Warming Up Meetings and Interviews: Five Tips to Disarm with Charm
The best portion of a good man's life - his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. ~William Wordsworth
Never ever, walk into a meeting cold. Because cold is how you'll leave it.
Instead, walk in ready to spread around what I call “universal currency” – ways to be generous and spread goodwill to anyone that we meet. Generosity is the first step to warming up to a relationship.
Universal currency is particularly important at first meetings and interviews, where even if you do your homework, you may be limited in your background knowledge.
Here are five forms of universal currency and suggestions for how to put them into play.
1. Give compliments and admiration freely. Make sure they are genuine. Not genuine = Not generous.
2. Be a knowledge broker. Read everything, talk to everyone, be everywhere – particularly in regard to your business or industry. Don't rely on others or be passive about it; become an absolute expert by taking the lead.
3. Share hobbies and passions. Yes, sharing what’s important to you is a form of generosity. Not everyone is brave enough, or thoughtful enough, to divert from business as usual.
4. Discuss current events. Focusing on what’s happening in the world at large can provide a welcome dose of perspective, as well as some connective tissue between you and a new contact. Know what’s going on!
5. Share humor. It's a cliche that in potential mates, woman are looking for “someone who can make me laugh." But it's true! And it’s no different in the business world. Make someone laugh – especially when they don’t expect to – and they’ll do what they can to give you a primetime slot!
What’s your best tip for getting past business as usual quickly with a new contact?
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Keith Ferrazzi is an expert on relationship development, a world-renowned speaker and the #1 New York Times Bestselling author of Never Eat Alone and Who's Got Your Back.-
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As usual there is some really great advice here. I'm so gratreful for everything I've learned from you Keith. Your knowledge has been one of the building blocks in building my company! One day I'd love to invite you for dinner and tell you how much you've helped me without knowing.
My tip for warming "cold" meetings: Get in a positive state and enter the meeting with a positive attitude. This can be done by getting by visualizing successful events or meetings with good friends when you had a good time.
Moreover you can use affirmations like "I like you, you like me, we're gonna have a really good time together.".
All the best from Germany!
Bastian
Thanks Keith, great tips. Couple more suggestions
6. So spend 70% of your time asking questions, listening and taking a genuine interest in the other person.
7. Get into the habit of asking "....how can I help?" (be it a a goal, challenge, or desire they've shared with you)
I agree with Sital on item 6. Spend 70% of your meeting time listening. Ask questions in the other 30%. Make notes, if appropriate, of what the other people are saying and feed what you hear into more questions for greater understanding. Don't be afraid of silence in the conversation. Give them time to think. Use the time to look at your notes. After all, you are reviewing what they said. There is nothing more flattering than being genuinely interested in what other people are saying.
Such great suggestions Sital. We succeed when we help others succeed!
And I forgot one very important aspect: Conduct business meetings in a non-business context. If I invite people I create a positive and comfortable atmosphere first or I meet people casually in a beer garden and have fun with them.
I find it much easier to warm up such a meeting than spending time with each other in an unappealing conference room or office.
Hi Keith, may I suggest that you add the following points to your five;
Be careful not to appear to be a "know it all" showing off how knowleageable you are, avoide, subtle putdowns of the contributions of others
Know your audience well enough to avoid jokes that may be culturally or racially offensive, or may evoke personal painful memories
Be very, very, careful.
Ooooh. I like the idea of meeting in a beer garden...surely there's one or two here in the exquisite city of Charleston, SC.
Most of my meetings are by phone and I think it takes energy to project yourself when you don't have the visual clues that enrichen the face-to-face communication flow. My advice is simply to breathe deeply before you start and focus on the other people -- using all the suggestions above.
Great post today. Thanks so much. It's so true.
Here are my additions.
8. Bring energy into the room. Stand tall and walk briskly. Smile. Greet people by name. Be happy to be there Light up the room and everyone's soul who is there.
9. Be there fully and completely. Avoid daydreaming. Focus on the subject at hand. Listen intensely. Remember what people say.
10. Build constructively on others' suggestions. Try to construct a solution together. Find heroism in teamwork.
Great advice, Keith. My tip is give something away--a suggestion, the promise of an article. Generosity in action! Dawn
Good advice as usual, Keith.
I want to second what Sital said above about the importance of listening vs. speaking. Especially in new client or prospect meetings, I've often overcompensated for my initial insecurity by talking too much. Extroversion is fine, but the fundamental lack of knowledge at the outset of these sessions makes it likely that one will suffer from "hoof and mouth disease", i.e., open mouth, insert foot!
It's usually better to follow the 5 commandments above, and then listen far more than talk.
I've found the best way to start meetings/committees is to honestly get to know the people working with you (or for you, whatever the case may be). You don't need to know every detail but a good understanding of what makes them tick has always come useful down the road (i.e. compromises, additional support for an idea, etc.)
6. Don't be born autistic! You won't get the nonverbal communication right. You will mess up even if you think you're doing the right thing. For example, you may sincerely give a compliment and offend the interviewer. Your social intelligence will be nearly zero and your empathy will be exactly zero. So, you won't be able "read" your interviewer's mind. Even if you're the best-qualified on paper and in almost every other way, someone more socially intelligent will likely get the job. If the job is a promotion in your organization, unless your interviewer really wants to promote you, forget about it.
3'. Some of these questions are illegal. If your passion is your family, it is illegal for the interviewer to ask about your children.
4'. Don't be an economist. Even though you'll understand current events better, your understanding will be far from the common understanding.
5'. Don't have the wrong sense of humor. Americans generally don't appreciate British humor.
And American humor is getting worse by the day.
Especially with Brit exports like Russell Brand!
Regarding number 3, it's not illegal to ask, it's illegal to discriminate in hiring or other personnel decisions based on the your knowledge of race, religion, et.al.
And, I love British humor and I'm an American.
Great tips from all above. Thank you. I have found that visual clues always provide much to me in the way of conversation lead-ins and just plain psychic bridges to the person(s) that I am about to meet. Whether it's a million dollar landscape job or mud/gravel in the entryway, or, whether it's a three-story lobby or a little league award hanging crooked on a tattered wall of a tiny foyer along with dog-earred magzines on a chair where you wouldn't dare sit, these give me clues and insights to the people that I am about to meet. Finally, and most important, I always discreetly scan the office of the person I am meeting with to gain clues and personal connections with their lives. Just yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with a client about a particular company's outwear gear after I noticed a jacket on the back of his office door that was the same as mine. Thanks again, Keith and everyone. gerry
Chuck,
Did you really mean to write #6, "Don't be born autistic????"
As the parent of an autistic child, I am truly amazed the someone would write something like that, especially in a blog like this one. Please, please choose your words a little more carefully in the future. You can make the same point just as effectively with different words.
Best Regards,
-Doug
I am autistic. I meant exactly what I wrote. Job interviews are precisely the place in which neurotypicals shine. I speak from my lengthy experience. There's nothing wrong in being autistic. Unfortunately, the rest of the world hasn't quite figured that one out. We're different, not defective.
I completely agree--you are different but not defective. My son helps me to appreciate things in ways that I would never have dreamed and I am so thankful for it.
I guess as I parent of a different child, I am a little hypersensitive Online environments like these don't make it very easy for us to understand how something was intended.
In any case, I understand your points and appreciate your input and participation. You do bring a very valuable perspective to all of us.
Best Regards!
Some interesting tips I have learned from reading Keith's book - Never Eat Alone on relationship that can be extended in a meeting environment are:
6. Taking a picture of the person you have met, tag-it, and e-mail it back.
7. Ask his or her favorite song and send a link of the song back.
Have your profile available on one of the professional social networking site such as LinkedIn or CEgdl.com where your profile information can be easily found. At the CEgdl site you can upload photo or song to be shared with the person you have met to deepen the established relationship.
Keith...A terrific posting with great comments.
I believe "warmth" actually starts with the agenda. Share it in advance and take a minute or two to review before the meeting starts. Then -- and this is really important -- ask if anyone has any items they want to add. And offer up the opportunity to leave the meeting if that either (1) don't have anything to add, particularly if they have another key deliverable that's waiting because they were invited to this meeting.
With this approach, everyone is engaged from the start and, if you stick to the agenda, a lot gets accomplished (particularly if you then publish deliverables and key notes). If you take this strategy on a consistent basis and get a reputation for respecting everyone's time, you'll be amazed at how "warm" the environment is for your meetings.
-- Peter
Bulldog Simplicity blog: http://www.posborne1.wordpress.com
thank you everyone, great insights!
I would add: always come very prepared. Do your research about the person you're about to meet as well as about their company and product. There's nothing worse than if you are asked "did you see my ________ " and you have no clue what they're talking about. Lying is not an option. Admitting that you didn't look them up online is horrendously embarrassing.
While I like most points mentioned above, I would also be careful about point 2 - being a knowledge broker. this only works if the person you are meeting is also very well informed - if not, you will put them on the spot.
Otherwise great stuff everyone!
- Astrid Mueller
In the knowledge broker role, come prepared with some suggestions of people that someone in the meeting might like to connect with or identify some during the course of your discussion, and help them get connected. If you have your smart phone or computer handy and can look up the contact info for someone and share it on the spot or in an immediate follow-up, that's excellent. Give generously without thinking what's in it for you, and you'll be delighted with the results in the long run.
Keith, many thanks for what you do and share!
Great article and great feedback. I would like to add that I always try to decide on the outcome that I am trying to achieve before I step into the meeting. Set the intention and then I can really focus on the individuals and not get sidetracked by one event. It's all about meeting the clients needs so I like to remember what it is they wanted to resolve before I start. If I'm not sure, then I clarify at the outset. Lets them speak and me make sure that we are on the same page. Keep up the great work!
One suggestion that I have not seen mentioned, is follow-up. If you have a great connection with someone follow-up a day or so later with either a handwritten note or an Email expressing your sincere pleasure in meeting them. It is unexpected and definately sets you apart. Also, go to a meeting expecting to share something with a new contact. It maybe an article or a piece of information or lead that will be helpful to your new acquaintance. These small jesters are not soon forgotten.
Great tips, Keith. I have to emphasize humor for me. There's nothing worse than being nervous and going in front a crowd to speak. Now they're nervous, too. The quickest way to break that is with a short story or anecdote, usually self deprecating, that gives the audience permission to laugh and relax. That always helps me, then I end by asking how I can help them (usually career advice or financial help (like should I roll over my 401k or cash it out to get by...)
Keep them coming, Keith!
Thanks~
@ Doug ... perhaps Chuck is Austistic (Asperger's?) and perhaps this is something he works through every day. Keith's tips are great .. but are difficult for people who do not pick up on social and personal cues to implement. This would also explain Chuck's choice of words, phrasing, and sentence structure. I think this was more of an attempt at humor (poking fun at himself for "being born Autistic") than anything else. It is a good insight though, and reminds us that in the social and personal insights field, not everyone gets blessed with relationship acumen and savvy, and have to work harder than the rest of us to connect with others.
Great blog, and really nice insights from everyone else.
How could you tell? Before my diagnosis, I read _Never Eat Alone_ and applied some of the material with mild success. WGYB came out after my diagnosis and is really beyond me. When I look at this blog and greenlight.com, my reaction is often, "That's easy if you're neurotypical." For example, Keith, in another entry, wrote, "Make them like you." A lot of comments responded positively to this. My reaction was, "How?" There is very much social information embedded in Keith's sentence that I can't access.
One way I handle information like this is to systemize: create rules and scripts to apply to various situations. The problem is that what works in one context may not work in another and, worse, I don't know that the context has changed.
Here's an analogy I made up last night for my basketball-playing daughter. Imagine playing a basketball game in which you don't know the rules. When you think you have them figured out, they change. You may get the ball and pass to a teammate and then find that he's become an opponent.
And now for a shameless plug, please visit my website and look at my CV. You may see a way in which my skills can benefit you. I've been told that I'm very nice and have a wife and children and friends from around the world. My cynicism is born of experience and is, unfortunately, constantly reinforced. I wish that were not so.
And, Sarah, you intentionally provided an example of how my humor is all too often unappreciated by Americans. This illustrates my point 5'.
Hey Chuck, thanks for posting about this. If you'd like to do a guest blog on some of what you've come up with for the "how" - your rules and scripts - I'd love to post it on Keith's blog. It may be surprisingly relevant and helpful not just for other autistic individuals, but others for whom these things don't come easily. Let me know! Sgrace at keith ferrazzi dot com.
You know it's funny, i think one of the best ways to be charming and give to a room is to be truly curious about the people there and just a little bit off beat for fun. By starting a conversation on a different fun note you provide a breath of fresh perspective become truly memorable, and by being truly interested in what makes people happy and trying to learn what drives them, you will be giving them the gift of being able to truly open up to someone. That's my favorite anyway
thanks for the great post
As always, both the blog and the comments are great. I especially agree with the comments on really listening to the other person - remember that we have 2 ears but only 1 mouth and should use them proportionately! You should also look directly at the other person and really focus on them and what they are saying, as opposed to looking over their shoulder to see who else (someone more "important") is in the room. Apparently great communicators such as Bill Clinton (whatever you may think of his politics) have the gift of making the person they are speaking to feel like the only person in the room. A genuine smile goes a long way to breaking the ice and following up with an article link shows the person that you were paying attention when they spoke and took the trouble to remember your discussion, which is very flattering and validating. We always make an impression but only we can ensure that it is a good one.
So many great suggestions here. Many of you are diving into the other two kinds of currency, professional and personal - a great instinct to work up the ladder to be as valuable as possible. As for Autism, I've mentioned this before here but Penelope Trunk has been doing a great series on how Autistic individuals can manage their challenges with social skills in the workplace. I am the first to admit that my advice is much harder to follow without a certain sensitivity to social cues. (A sensitivity that most people can develop, however, which is something we help people work on.)
Thanks for supporting each other with all the great comments as usual. Keep 'em coming.
I've seen Penelope Trunk's blog before and just had a look at it. It's really not that relevant to me. I'm one of those autistics who can pass for neurotypical, so my workplace issues are more subtle and are really have more to do to my having received my Ph.D. at the trough of the market for economists. (I'm working in demography.)
You made an interesting point about developing "sensitivity to social cues." Specialists in helping people with this exist: social intelligence coaches. Daniel Goleman in his article in the Harvard Business Review about social intelligence pitched them. The problem is that few companies offer them. The coaches often do this as a sideline to their usual duties after having been identified as very socially intelligent. A lot of companies do have job coaches, but they're different: they focus on helping you do your job better and further the business's aims rather than addressing underlying difficulties. The federal government is similar: social intelligence coaching is unheard of and the mentoring programs solely exist to produce managers. Needless to say, I am not management material.
As an aside, you work emphasizes the value of relationships. Point very well taken. A problem we autistics have is that it is difficult to establish and maintain these relationships. We often don't even know who our friends are. I personally find it easier to network with other autistics. They're often very nice people, but of little help for finding work. To give an example of these difficulties, Simon Baron-Cohen and colleagues in England developed a series of tests for autism. I could fake all of them except the Friendship and Relationship Quotient on which I score in the autistic range.
Great advice everyone! This blog never disappoints! Let's add to these: 1. Send a hand written note with something you learned about the person (how is your mom feeling, hope your meeting later in the day went well, etc.) 2. Turn your cell phones OFF - I have been to networking events recently where others are constantly checking their messages - NOT a good "I'm in the moment" gesture. 3. Invite the people you meet into a meet and greet tour of your business - and if service related - offer them something for free - it will come back tenfold. If they are business people - you just expanded your outside sales force!
Keith - As always, thanks for your keen insight into the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. When meeting with people on a consulting basis or when interviewing for a position, I find it extremely helpful to make the other person feel at ease. This may be accomplished by offering to help on a project with which the group is grappling, finding common ground, bringing cheer and knowledge into the room, etc.
People we meet with most often give out clues. We just need to look and listen to find common ground and then great conversations follow.
Keith, thank you for sharing these tips with us. I have found that listening to the other person is so important. It's so easy to make a conversation all about you but it takes hard work and effort to fully focus on the other person.
Thanks for the tips Keith.
When meeting someone for the first time, there may be some relationship “tension” because neither of you know each-other, so the key in the art of conversation is to start small “wow-how do you like that weather out there?” We all know the safe starters: sports, weather, current events, etc.
Conversation is horizontal at first (somewhat superficial but still sincere) and then becomes more vertical or deeper as trust builds, and one of the best ways to build trust and reduce any possible relationship tension is to look for commonalities. Ask questions, and then listen and relate!
And if in someone’s office glance around at books, artwork, family photos, mementos and key off of those items too. Most people love to talk about themselves and their interests.
As relationship tension subsides, then the task tension starts to build, now that we know we like each-other and/or trust each-other, and get along, let’s get down to business.
Several people brought up listening. Seems like that's not only a great kind of generosity, but also a way to catch more of those cues that tell us what will make the person laugh, smile, or feel good. Other ways to be more sensitive to the cues, anyone?
I've thoroughly enjoyed all the above comments. This topic is becoming an issue for me since my third novel has been published. First of all, and like many others, public speaking is not my favorite thing to do. I paint and write and the selling etc. is best left up to others. I was asked to speak at a local university on creative writing recently and felt somewhat insecure in doing so. Along with my books, I took a mental image of how the morning would progress and the items I would cover. On arrival, I found no need for introduction - they knew all about me - and told me so. Ah, the glory of computers. My best-layed plans were soon forgotten due to the enthusiasm and input from the students. I decided to "wing it" and told them how I came to write the first book - being put off by explicit sex on the second page for no specific reason. I wasn't against it, just didn't want it spelled out in a non-literary way. With this comment from an 80 year old author, the ice was broken and we had a marvelous time. I tell you this only to point out the importance of humor and engaging the audience. In my next life, I may take up motivational speaking. I plan to be around a long time, so keep your good advice coming.
Keith,
Thank you for your insight on this. I had a very important meeting recently (this morning) and the circumstances were a bit different from business as usual.
I contacted a local CEO who operates one of the largest business' in his trade in the nation and he agreed to meet with me even though he had no idea who I was. He was a member of the same fraternity in college, although a few decades apart in age, and I was a little worried that I wouldn't have anything to talk about. Kieth, your advice on this topic was very helpful...be generous.
Specifically (Because advice is sometimes difficult to visualize) I paid compliments to the mans stellar career, talked about mutual hobbies and interests, talked about current events, and PAID for the meal...this was a breakfast meeting.
Doing your homework is paramount in an important meeting (this particular meeting was important to me because I genuinely respected and wanted to meet the individual, basic networking) in this case I was able to reference specific job sites that he was working on and offer insight into some events that led to the job, talk state and local politics (big discussion here), and economics of the industry. I wouldn't have known he was working on the WTC if I wouldn't have done some homework.
Listen to Keith!
-Be Generous (pay the bill, pay honest compliments, and give information freely!)
-Do your Homework - study the company and the individual(s) with whom you are meeting.
-Know your industry, and current events!
-Share hobbies and Passions - Golf, Tack and Field, college football...Volunteer organizations...
-Share Humor - Be careful here...if there is an age or demographic gap your humor may not be funny. If you have some good clean jokes that are acceptable to all audiences then share away...but at first meetings you may not be able to gauge the sense of humor of your audience.
Thanks again Keith...
Sharing humor can be tricky, but it’s a great one. I personally love to work with people that make me laugh and I feel comfortable around. Don’t be too uptight, let loose and have fun with it (business deal, interview etc).
I feel that a cup of coffee it is a good start since it make us get sharper in our thoughts, so it is a good idea to have a coffee maker nearby. I go also for a nice sounding laugh to release that tense energy that most meetings seem to bring with. so when approaching to the room take a few seconds to think about a funny story you have witnessed like the day when my mother unintentionally fartted during the prayer of thanks giving dinner. It was hillarious and that will bring a broad smile while entering the room. Have fun people!!!
On top of all that, before I got to a party or a meeting, I decide that I'm going to have a great time. I CREATE that experience before I enter, and, I always have a good time.
Secondly, I add, on top of Keith's good tips, be PRESENT, in the moment, with everyone you meet.
Great tips Keith, again.
I would add one thing. If you can learn a few things about your new contact before the meeting, it makes an impression when you offer them their favorite drink or a piece of chocolate if they're a chocoholic. A boutique agency impressed Warren Buffet and got a new account by knowing he loves Cherry Coke and having plenty on hand when he came to call.
For me, a good combination of 2 and 5 goes a long way. Being humorous (to break the ice) and yet very informative (to showcase your expertise).
Such great advice! I enjoy reading the comments almost as much as the actual article.
Thank you keith for distilling wisdom on a simple level that anyone can understand and yet only the most savvy will actually take advantage of. Which of course are your readers!
Sincerely,
Heidi Richards Mooney, Author
Quirky Marketing Calendar: 365 Ways to Promote Your Business Using Zany & Non-traditional Holidays
Thanks for sharing, I stumbled upon this particular article whilst searching for infomation for my term report, interesting comments and excellent points produced.