Check out a few of the great posts on the myGreenlight blog this week:

• Cool New Apps to Fuel Your Job Hunt
• Is My Business School Equation Balanced
• We Have a Winner! - myGreenlight scholarship contest winner is announced.
• Relationship Roundup - the focus is on behavioral traits that create the type of productive, deep, and meaningful relationships you want in your life.

Enjoy!

0 comments // In Site News and Happenings

In Never Eat Alone, I argued against people trying to balance their home and work lives. Instead, I advised blending – integrating the two worlds so that you’re not constantly faced with choosing one over the other. Ideally, I want you to have close, personal, and authentic relationships with people in the work place – so why create a false divide? The title of the chapter clearly stated my feelings: “Balance Is B.S.”

Of course, plenty of people disagree. They think that it’s blending that’s B.S. – your personal and professional lives should rarely mix, if ever. When The Wall Street Journal published a blog item on this issue, it generated considerable feedback, with more than 200 people weighing in on the topic.

“My personal life is on a need-to-know basis,” wrote one person, “and the people I work with don’t need to know.” From another: “My company actually grades you at review time on your ‘ability to keep personal life out of the workplace.’”

Earlier this year, The Harvard Business Review posted a blog item saying that business e-mails should never contain such personal niceties like, “see you at the Red Sox game next weekend.” The author’s reasoning: “Just as there is separation between church and state, so too do those barriers exist in business and our personal lives.”

It’s pretty clear to me that when we deepen the relationships in the different spheres of our life, blending becomes inevitable, and, ultimately, we lead a more satisfying life. But I recognize that there are times when this is more difficult than others. When work is incredibly stressful, we feel we need a refuge that takes our mind off it. Or when we’re boxed into a job that’s not quite the right fit that we’d like to work our way out of.

I plan to write about how to reconcile these tensions (can we?) in my upcoming book, and I’m eager to include stories from all of you.

So tell me: Is your personal life on a “need to know” basis at work and why? Has it always been that way? Or if you’ve had success in blending your home and work lives, let me know how you were able to accomplish that.

97 comments // In Relationship Trends and Research

Good news folks: You’ve got an “empathy hormone,” and you can control it with the sheer power of your thoughts. Science has proven it.

The hormone oxytocin plays a key role in influencing our ability to establish trust, act with generosity, and perceive others’ feelings. Research has shown that oxytocin reduces anxiety during public speaking tests – not surprising, given that it lowers blood pressure and stress hormone levels. During childbirth and breastfeeding, mothers produce more of it – nature’s way of making sure that they bond with their babies.

But what’s really exciting about oxytocin is that you can train your body to release it. There are several ways to do this, which I outline below, but one of the easiest is to flood your head with images and thoughts of someone you love.

Take my client, Paul. Every week, he dreaded his team meeting – conflict, drama, and resistance to critical feedback from his colleagues pretty much guaranteed an anxious experience. Then he decided to try priming himself before a meeting with an “oxytocin booster.” He took a few deep breaths and got lost in thoughts about his girlfriend, and the mental snapshots of the time they spent together on a recent New Mexico trip.

He felt the results immediately – instead of dreading contact with his colleagues, he found himself starting an open conversation about their current work challenges, with genuine curiosity. He was shocked: one coworker let down his guard to reveal the real problems behind his project; another listened openly to Paul’s ideas. Paul could trace the shift in the meeting to the tone he had started it with—the warmth, care, and empathy combining to transform the atmosphere.

Here are five ways that scientists have shown that you, too, can get the empathy juice flowing to improve all your upcoming interactions:

1. Daydream about your significant other. Before you approach a stressful social situation, make like Paul and think about your most supportive relationships and connect to the feelings of positivity associated with them.
2. Hug someone you care about. Make contact with someone who makes you feel really good, and set your mind to transfer good feeling to someone with whom you are developing a relationship. That contact has been clinically shown to increase oxytocin levels, and the oxytocin will give you confidence and a brighter outlook.
3. Spend a few minutes with a beloved pet. Making contact with pets has also been shown to generate oxytocin. Use this to improve your ability to relate with generosity and to create more mutually fruitful relationships.
4. Listen to your favorite music. Stimuli for all the senses—even smells—can boost oxytocin levels to prepare you to interact with more elegance.
5. Get down, make love. If the researchers say to do it, and you have the flexibility (and the partner) to schedule it around important meetings, who’s to argue?

Try one of these out before your next meeting, or any interaction that tends to be stressful. This is great stuff to prep you for meeting new people, too. Do it before a networking event and maybe you’ll even be able to skip that cocktail that provides your usual social lubricant. Go try it!

Have you tried and had good results with any of these?

12 comments // In Relationship Trends and Research

Ada Chen Rekhi is head of user growth for Connected, which provides contact management without the work for busy professionals. She can be found on Twitter at @adachen and also writes about productivity and networking at Connected Life. -KF

ADA'S REVIEW:

Inspired by Sara Grace's earlier post about Let's Lunch and Let's Do Lunch, I gave Let's Lunch a go for a week, and shared my experience.

First of all, what is Let's Lunch?

Let's Lunch is a service which helps busy professionals network with one another. Currently they are only available in San Francisco, Silicon Valley and New York. You tell them when you're available and what type of people you'd like to meet with, and Let's Lunch does the rest.

Signing up for Let's Lunch is painless

The signup process for Let's Lunch was easy as soon as you get accepted. You start by submitting an application to join. While it was a little strange to wait, I'm assuming that they are doing good things by having a human on the other side confirm that my profile is yet another human.

They sent me an email to confirm, and made it very easy for me to set up my account by connecting my LinkedIn profile and typing in my Twitter user name. Then I selected a geographic area that I could have lunch in, and a checked off some interest areas.

All of this took me less than 30 seconds. So far so good, Let's Lunch team.

Taking the dive with scheduling lunch

To really try out Let's Lunch, I decided to take the dive and schedule three lunches for the week.

I set up my calendar for lunch on Monday, Wednesday and Friday in downtown San Francisco for the following week.

This is where the experience really began to deteriorate. On Saturday, they emailed me to tell me there wasn't a lunch partner available on Monday. The lunch alert emails also included the reason and claim, "We could not find a match this time, but try again, our match rate is above 90%".

By Monday, despite the 90% match rate claim, I was batting 0 for 2 on lunches available in my area.

Then on Wednesday... score! I finally had a Friday lunch scheduled!

My Let's Lunch lunch experience

Let's Lunch sends an email to each of the lunch partners and asks them to accept and confirm a time. The first to confirm also gets to choose a location, and optionally send any messages they need to coordinate.

They are pretty good about trying to make sure that each of the potential partners can maintain privacy around their contact information unless they actually want to share it.

I had a very mixed experience, however. The original person that matched cancelled, and I got a last-minute message the day before that my meeting had been switched to a different person named Igor. I showed up to our lunch venue -- a creperie -- and it turned out that the business was no longer open.

Igor and I did manage to meet and enjoy lunch together. We had a great conversation and it turned out that we even knew a few folks in common. I walked out of it having learned something new, and was even able to make some intros for Igor for potential new business.

All in all, despite a few hiccups, Let's Lunch came through.

Conclusion: Let's Lunch has promise

The premise of Let's Lunch solves a real problem by busy professionals meet and connect with each other. It's hard enough to meet and schedule with people whom we do know, but they've made it very easy to schedule meetings and actively meet new people. After all, like Keith Ferazzi says, you should never eat alone.

Their product is still pretty early and could use some work. Despite the density of contacts in San Francisco, I was only able to schedule one lunch out of three. It would have been helpful to get some indication of how I can increase my chances of a match, whether it's by selecting additional interest areas, expanding my geographic location, or simply helping me decide which days and times are most popular.

All in all, however, lunch with Igor was great and it was thanks to Let's Lunch. If you’re in San Francisco or New York, I’d say try it – it’s easy to use and you have to eat anyway.

Would you give Let's Lunch a try?

0 comments // In Meetings, Technology

We are in charge of developing our own networks - and doing so is the difference between success and failure; happiness and angst. A study by Gallup provides amazing, jaw-dropping proof. What they're calling you're "social wellbeing," I'd just go ahead and call it youranetwork. They're one and the same.

As you'll see in the article, your relationships affect everything from surgery recovery time (you heal more slowly if you're fighting with your spouse!) to simply whether you have a good or bad day.

Here are some intriguing highlights:

1.    Relationships matter. Relationships protect us during hard times, which improves our cardiovascular functioning and decreases stress levels.  People that have very few social ties have nearly twice the risk of dying from heart disease and are twice as likely to catch colds (even though they are exposed to fewer germs due to being less social).

2.    Support matters. Being in a tumultuous relationship can extend the time it takes for you to recover from surgery or a major injury.

3.    Proximity matters. A friend who lives three blocks from you has dramatically more of an affect on your well-being than one who lives just three miles away.

4.    Mutual friends matter. Your whole social network affects your entire well-being, which means that mutual friendships matter a lot.  If you invest in these relationships you'll see a high return.  Improving their well-being will improve your well-being. As I wrote in WGYB, lifelines have a DISPROPORTIONATE effect on your quality of life.

5.    Time matters. If we achieve at least 6 hours of social time a day it increases well-being and decreases stress and worry.  That 6 hours is definitely attainable because it includes time at work, talking on the phone, emailing, talking to friends in person, and social media.  Even having 3 hours of social time decreases the chance of having a bad day by 10 percent.

6.    Work friends matter. Thiry percent of people have a best friend at work.  Those that do are seven times as likely to be engaged in their jobs and produce higher quality work.  Those that don’t have a best friend at work have a one in 12 chance of being engaged – yikes.

Can you think of a time your network affected your health?

4 comments // In Relationship Trends and Research

A favorite inquiry in cross-cultural research: Study subjects are asked to complete the sentence “I love my mother but . . .”

In Southeast Asia, the typical response is “I love my mother but . . . I can never repay all that she has done for me.”

Any guesses on what the typical response is in Western countries? I'll post the answer later in comments.

8 comments // In Personal Development

Jim Mourey

Interested in the science of relationships? Jim Mourey, the PhD candidate who heads up FG’s Greenlight Research Group, is here to tell us what’s going on in the brain in the various stages of making a connection. These stages are true for any kind of positive relationship bonding – romantic, professional, personal.

The Approach: The thought of a relationship releases dopamine in the brain (yes, think "dope"), which makes people more excitable, more sociable, and more engaging.  We're wired for socializing!

The Connection: The actual "connection" of a relationship releases endorphins, the same peptide hormone responsible for that "happy" feeling we get after exercising.

The Encoding: We encode our "relationships" much like Pavlov's dog through classical conditioning at the brain level.  That is: presentation of relationship occurs simultaneously with presentation of "happy feeling" chemicals, so we associate developing relationships with that "happy feeling" and want more of it.

The Maintenance: Physical touching, sex, and even childbirth triggers the release of oxytocin and vasopressin in females and males respectively, which are chemicals shown to secure lasting bonds in all kinds of relationships – romantic, parental, and friendly.  Researchers believe this helps us maintain our relationships.  In fact, when scientists artificially prevent these chemicals from occurring in animals, the animals become polygamous, don't spend time with their partners, and often spend time alone.  When scientists artificially increase these chemicals, lab animals become monogamous, prefer spending time with others rather than alone, etc.

The Addiction: We want relationships SO much, and the resulting neurochemical effects are SO strong, that relationships truly are addictions.  Love and relationships activate the same brain areas associated with addictions of other types.  Humans are innately addicted to relationships!

Go forth and bond!

4 comments // In Relationship Trends and Research

Today I was at Starbucks, Amazon and Microsoft giving talks. Interesting to see the different corporate cultures as reflected in their office environments. At Starbucks they've got cubes, but with coffee kiosks and seating areas where employees gather casually - pretty cool. They also have the Creativity Lab, a tricked out conference room for brainstorming.

Amazon's environs are super sparse, a cultural nod to the fact that Jeff Bezos furnished the original offices with used pieces and did all the handiwork himself.

Tomorrow is Facebook, where I'm told everyone is skating around on 2-wheeled skateboards. (Maybe I'll get a lesson...) I also know that they've named all the conference rooms in the new HQ after mashups of video games and condiments (e.g. 'Donkey Kong Chutney').

I'm so looking forward to my round table there, in part because I know that principles of authenticity and empathy are deeply rooted in their company culture. Last year while I was researching Who's Got Your Back Tim Kendall, the director of monetization, said this:

“One of our stated corporate values is to ‘practice empathy....That’s all about creating mutual understanding and respect among teams and individuals. We expend effort and energy trying to understand someone else’s job, it’s challenges, to then take the next step of seeing how a person or team can help that other person do their job better.”

How is your workplace culture and values codified in the office itself - layout, common areas, art, etc.? How would you like it to be?

2 comments // In Who's Got Your Back

Pauline Wiessner’s research on the !Kung bushmen in the Kalahari - see yesterday's NY Times piece, tells you everything you need to know for survival in a hostile climate, whether it’s the desert or Wall Street:

1.    Give gifts. (Preferably hand-made…)
2.    Tell stories. (Stories that make the people you know look good…)
3.    Visit friends. (Particularly if they offer a free place to stay…)

Not to reincarnate the noble savage, but tribal people do get something that First-worlders have lost and could stand to recapture: Depending on each other – for generosity, vulnerability, candor, and, above all, accountability –  is the best, the fastest, and maybe the only way to get ourselves out of the economic mess we’re in.

0 comments // In Relationship Management

Hello from Sara, Keith’s managing editor. A few SEEN AND OVERHEARDS from the Who's Got Your Back launch party at Arianna Huffington's in LA….photos TK later!

• Marcus Buckingham telling a group that multitasking drops your IQ a full 10 POINTS, compared to 5 from hitting a joint, and 8 from a losing a night of sleep.
• Steve Glenn explaining that his company, Living Homes (which makes stunning modern eco-dwellings), doesn’t have anything to do with the new green mobile homes coming on the market
• Greenlight Research Group’s Jim Mourey , Ph.D., explaining the number-crunching methodology behind FG’s rDNA Diagnostic
• Rob Long, of NPR's Martini Shot and Keith’s fellow Yale alum, getting candid about not wanting to get candid about his fears and vulnerabilities – an exercise Keith lead during the party
• Arianna, radiating loveliness, intelligence and wit, everywhere, all night long
• Guru Singh, declaring Keith the only author to turn his book party into The Gong Show (shortly after beating the gong himself – I didn’t even know a gong could make those noises…it may be responsible for me being up this early)
• FG’s Jeff Kaplan, telling his University of Phoenix colleague (UoP is the incredible generous sponsor of the WGYB Road Show) that fancy parties aren’t his cup of tea
• Ryan, Keith’s sidekick on the tour and consummate social media strategist (you’ll see a lot of Ryan on the blog very soon), trying to convince Marcus Buckingham that tweeting is a good idea; Marcus is a FB fan, where he likes to try out new ideas on an inner circle of people he trusts.
• Keith himself, heart right where it should be - on his sleeve – sharing with a rapt crowd gathered ‘round the pool how good it felt to no longer be feeling like he was drowning in the deep end, thanks to the constant support and butt-kicking of his lifeline relationships.

1 comment // In Relationship Trends and Research