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Candor has long been an interest of mine. I make no secret about why: the most influential people in my life and career have been those who told me straight-up what was on their mind, even when what was on their mind hurt—as in, hurt me to hear and probably hurt them to say. Honesty can be uncomfortable.
Most corporate structures don't encourage frank conversation. In fact they actively discourage it. If it's a hierarchical, command-and-control type of culture, subordinates will take pains never to upset a boss. If it's an overly political and competitive culture, people worry that candor will come back to haunt them. Even in collegial office environments, people still worry that candid critique of someone's performance will be seen as overly blunt. It's almost as if they would rather see someone repeatedly fail than speak up and hurt their feelings.
Cultivating the kinds of professional relationships that can withstand candor is incredibly important. Studies have found direct links between:
strong relationships and revenue growth;
workplace camaraderie and productivity;
group candor and effective problem-solving.
To get you started, here are 10 tips for creating the kind of environment in which everyone feels enough safety and mutual commitment to say what they're actually thinking:
1. Make the first move.
The person who initiates the move toward greater candor and transparency has to give a preview of what it looks like. This does not mean launching into immediate criticisms but rather using intros like, 'This is hard for me, and I'm a little worried about how this is going to go over, but because I care about the work we're doing, I want us to start having more meaningful conversations."
2. Do it in person.
If at all possible, begin the move toward greater candor in person, when you can see how the other person is responding to what you're saying. Email is better for follow-up, and a perfect way to affirm someone by thanking them for their time and willingness to listen.
3. Encourage pre-meeting reflection.
Giving a brief “heads up” as to what you’ll be discussing can produce greater insight, help avoid groupthink, and lays a groundwork for fruitful conversations that culminate in action items. No one feels blind-sided, and concrete next steps are formulated more quickly. It's a time saver and builds trust. Read more →
CONTROVERSIAL CURRENCY UPDATE: To read and react in comments to Keith's response (March 14's email tip), click here!
** UPDATED BELOW **
You may think saying "you’re welcome" is the best response to a thanks. But you can do better! That’s according to Internet entrepreneur and author Guy Kawasaki, who has a new book out, Enchantment, that I recommend you get. After the tip below, there are some links to some fun ways to get involved with Guy's launch.
Guy Kawasaki: "I once had lunch with [author] Robert Cialdini. We got to discussing what you say when you've done somebody a favor. What should you say when they say thanks? He told me that just saying 'You’re welcome' is suboptimal. You're not getting the full benefit of what you've done. Actually, the best answer for when someone thanks you is, 'I know you would do the same for me.'
By saying that, what you're doing is telling the other person, 'I think you are an honorable person. I think you understand that I did you a favor. Because I trust you, I like you and you're an honorable person, I know you would do the same for me. So it's not a big deal.' That's one thing you're saying with that response. The second thing you're saying with that response is 'You owe me.' This is just the velvet hammer. You're both telling the person 'I think you're honorable' and you're telling the person 'You owe me something. Someday I hope you pay me back.'"
ED UPDATE: Keith's tip was meant to generate productive conversion. And it did. Nothing has changed about his belief that generosity isn't about keeping score. However, Guy's/Cialdini's comment gets at something else that's equally important, and equally a part of Never Eat Alone: Reciprocity. It says to the thanker, "We are both honorable people. Honorable people do well by each other." This is in the spirit of reciprocity; mutual awareness of our generous network is not the same thing as manipulation. Look for an update/comment roundup on this post from Keith himself Thursday!
Today I have a video to share with you – it's me telling the "Big Wheels" story from Never Eat Alone, in support of Peter Guber's great new book, Tell to Win.
This is the story of a life-changing incident with my pop from my childhood. It was the moment I realized that both giving and receiving are critical to our happiness, and it's a story that's been central in my leadership.
Hope you like it! Do you have yourself on video telling a story? Make one and share the link in the comments!
FG Analyst April Lisonbee recently saw Deepak Chopra speak on his new book. Here is what she learned.-KF
I help create and coordinate Ferrazzi style parties and engagements, and whether it’s in person or on RMA, people always ask me: “How do you get folks to engage with each other over dinner?” Our party guide suggested using probing questions and we really like TableTopics. Well, recently I went to see Deepak Chopra talk about his new book, Soul of Leadership, at the Drucker School of Management, and he brought up some thought-provoking questions that one might ask to really get to know another person. Being a relationship forward person, I couldn’t help but see the parallel with our work and how anyone could use these questions to help accelerate a relationship.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What’s your purpose?
What contribution do you want to make in your business, your family, your community, etc.?
What will your legacy be?
What is your definition of a meaningful relationship?
What is a unique talent or skill?
Who are your heroes and/or heroines?
Have you had a peak experience?
So next time you meet someone, skip the small talk and focus on really getting to know the other person. Focus, not on what they do, but who they are. Then, tell us about it!
What do Deepak Chopra, Pat Riley, and Steven Spielberg have in common? They’re all great storytellers, and it’s dramatically influenced each of their success. Also, they're just a few of the fascinating characters that come together in Peter Guber’s new business book Tell to Win: Connect, Persuade and Triumph with the Hidden Power of Story. The book is as entertaining (I actually couldn’t put it down) as it is informative and transformative.
Here's a clip from the interview I did with Peter - hear how the story of ham radio launched Peter's career. If you didn’t already know, he produced films such as Batman, Rain Man, Gorillas in the Mist, Flashdance, and The Color Purple – and that’s just a thin slice of his professional resume.
If you order Peter’s book now, before the March 1 on-sale date, you’ll get a digital gift bag full of leadership, marketing and social media resources – including the 30-minute interview between Peter and me about Tell to Win.
Here are a few more links to prior articles I've written on Peter's storytelling methodology. It's great stuff, and changed the way I approach my leadership.
In the comments, I'd love to hear how you're using the power of story to "emotionally transport," as Peter would say, the people whose POV is critical to your success.
This is a four-part series sharing lessons in joy, success, and even fidelity, that I brought back with me from a 2-week service trip to Thailand and Cambodia at the close of 2010.
Lesson #3: Your fate is not controlled by the prejudice of others.
Happiness is in you and those you choose to hear. I was reminded of this while visiting an organization called Baan Gerda. In Thailand, there is still a huge stigma against those with AIDS. Baan Gerda was founded by a German chemical executive stationed in Thailand, and started out as a place to take care of orphans dying of the disease – to give them love, respect, and comfort in their last days. These kids’ parents had all died from AIDS, and passed the disease to the children at birth. Their relatives had typically dropped them at mass centers where they would die untouched, unloved, and uncared for.
Then as new drugs came along, Baan Gerda’s mission changed to helping find a way for these children to live beautiful, productive lives. And they do. The story is amazingly told in a movie yet to premier. You can watch a trailer of the film and buy the DVD at the website www.livingwiththetiger.com. (If you have any way to help the movie maker bring the movie and story to the world, let us know.)
As I met with Baan Gerda’s director, Mike Thomas, I was struck as he told me about the children’s active decision to lead normal lives despite so much prejudice against them. Their decision to look to a future when they can marry and live productively among society. How did they find the strength, I wondered?
I think I saw the answer as I watched these children in their daily routines. They are actively serving others – they volunteer to help the elderly and they care for new children entering their home, many of whom are very sick because medicine hasn’t been available. At so many orphanages, I’ve seen children saving their food to give to others. Generosity is healing, even when we have almost nothing.
These children gave me hope that we can stand tall in the face of others who’d like to tell us who we are and what we can become. I'm the first one to advocate listening to feedback, but I'm also the first to support your right to listen or not if you feel you have been thorough in your own self-assessment. Then find those who will feed you toward the direction your heart knows you should go, as the kids at Baan Gerda have.
“We’re wired for storytelling!” says Peter Guber, the Oscar-winning producer and business author. I interviewed him recently for RMA about his terrific new book Tell to Win: Connect, Persuade, and Triumph with the Hidden Power of Story – everything you need to make storytelling the centerpiece of your leadership toolkit. Stories, more than any other business tool, create “emotional transportation” that allows you to change people’s minds and to teach effectively.
Here are my favorite tips from Peter from the interview.
1. Put Your Heart on Your Sleeve: “Hits are made in the heart, not in the head. Often when you make movies, folks don’t even remember the plot. But they remember emotional nodes of the story.”
2. Face Time Matters: “Tell it in the room, face to face, where you’re breathing the same air. There’s nothing yet that can replace that. When everything depends on you getting it done, being in the room face to face is the game plan.”
3. 100 Percent Authenticity: “Do you really believe in your message? Can you own it completely? If you can’t, you better be the greatest actor. The greatest.”
4. Clarify Your Own Goals: “Intention before attention. Your intention should be aligned – what do you want, and can you own it. Don’t worry about motivating them – make sure you’re in state.
5. Tell But Also Listen: “A good storyteller is an active listener. As a teller, you’re listening to the response of your audience, whether it’s one person or 50, and making them feel heard too.”
If you’d like to listen to the whole 30 minute interview without joining RMA you’re in luck – we gave Peter a copy to use as part of the free gift that you get if you pre-order Tell to Win. Here’s the link to check out the resources and order your copy:
