Scott Zimmerman, President of TeleVox, recently spent some time at lunch with Keith as his prize for winning the "RMA Idol" contest in our second pilot class of Relationship Masters Academy. Below he shares some of what struck him during that conversation. Scott currently serves as an RMA Ambassador and can be found at http://twitter.com/scottzsays.-SG

Would you find it troubling to learn that most people do not make a significant new friend after they reach the age of 32?  It doesn’t take long to identify why.  Certainly, as we grow older our lives are filled with additional obligations (e.g. marriage, children, career, etc.) that take time away from the personal relationship building process.  In childhood our relationships are fostered through significant time together, and it is in spending that significant time in shared experiences that quality relationships are built.  Upon reaching adulthood most people get into a comfortable rut and therefore are not on the lookout for the kind of new relationships which could expand their experiences. They also fail to create an environment that allows the new people they do meet an entry into their inner circle of existing friends.  And while the list could go on, one of the biggest obstacles to changing this is that many people simply don’t have their own house in order.

What I mean is that many grown adults are hampered by their lack of self-esteem.  These insecurities play a substantial role in their ability to develop adult relationships as they consciously or unconsciously live in constant comparison to others.  We all know people who are living from this state of being - frequently gossiping, tearing others down, judging others choices, and even comparing the behaviors and successes of their children.  Sadly, these behaviors lead to plenty of superficial relationships as the genuine relationships they seek remain elusive.  From a detached perspective, it makes sense that quality relationships can only be fostered through mutually supportive friendships and withers in environments built around comparison, judgment and righteousness.

How do we find healthy, mutually supportive relationships… lifeline relationships?  In my discussion with Keith a few weeks ago, he gave me simple, but profound direction:

1. Get clear. Seriously ponder what greatness would look like in your life and in your personal relationships and determine which people around you are the best people to invest your efforts in based on what you can gather about them, including aspirations, value system, etc.  Ask other people who are already lifelines in your life who they would suggest.
2. Never Eat Alone. Begin engaging these individuals by scheduling time to connect for breakfast, lunch or dinner.  Finding folks who will have your back and support you for flying higher vs. tearing you down will require a number of long, slow dinners (LSDs).  Use these LSDs to build your own fraternity of lifelines.
3. Be prepared. Set the tone in your first meeting by modeling what you are looking for.  Be Candid and tell them you see a lot of superficial relationships around and that you are not interested in that.  Be Intimate (i.e. vulnerable) and ask them for their advice on how they would approach achieving that.  Be Generous by inquiring about their world (i.e. interests, passions, dreams, and aspirations) and finding a way you can support them.  Finally, Be Accountable by following through on your commitments and seeing if they follow through on theirs.

The final item in this list is important for two reasons.  One, it allows you to lay a solid foundation with Keith’s relationship mindsets.  Secondly, by gauging how well the other party reciprocates, you are getting a wonderful sense of whether this new relationship is a lifeline that could have your back.

Each of the items above represent intentional acts.  Being clear about your purpose and making the daily choices consistent with that purpose are just as important for your personal relationships.  Imagine for a moment how inspiring it is to know that the most treasured relationships of your lifetime can come during your 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond if you live “on purpose”.

Enjoy the journey!

Scott

What’s the best way you’ve found to really connect with people for high quality relationships?

4 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

“If you had a magic wand and could magically change the values of your company, what would you want those values to be?" – Tony Hsieh

Tony Hsieh’s Delivering Happiness was an extremely powerful read for me, and not only because I support his mission of connecting passion and profit in a values-based workplace.

In the book, he suggests that you can’t be happy without figuring out what your own values are. Because it’s harder to pin down your “true north” than you’d expect, he offers a couple exercises.

Here’s one – and I did this myself:

1. Make a list of all the people you really enjoy being around.
2. Make a list of all the people you don’t enjoy being around.
3. Review the lists, preferably with a couple other people who don’t know you that well. (They’re sometimes better at seeing patterns than either you or your friends.)
4. Look for connections: Why do you enjoy the people you enjoy, and not the others? Do they represent or exhibit certain values that you share?

As I was doing the exercise, I found I had to do it a couple times to figure out the underlying reasons I enjoyed hanging out with certain people. As I went through the second time, I realized that I had people on the list who were there more because spending time with them was a habit. Our relationships weren’t truly joyful or aligned with my values. Doing this exercise not only helped me reconnect with my core values, it also helped me see where I was living those values with my relationships, and where I wasn’t.

If you’re a fan of Delivering Happiness, buy the book first, then visit JOIN THE MOVEMENT page on Tony’s site to share stories and ideas to get even more inspired and involved!

8 comments // In Personal Development

This is a four-part series sharing lessons in joy, success, and even fidelity, that I brought back with me from a 2-week service trip to Thailand and Cambodia at the close of 2010.

Lesson #4: Transparency can be a saving grace.

Were you wondering when I'd get to talking about fidelity?  For years a friend of mine has had relationships with women outside of his marriage. He has always spoken to me of his wife as if they had nothing in common and didn't speak the same language at all; just co-habitants in the "dream home" he built.

We had dinner one night on this trip to Asia and I expected to hear more of the same. Instead I heard the story of a reconciled couple.  He didn't talk about the waitress, or his latest "girlfriend," but was honoring their relationship with respect and love for the woman he now saw as his true partner.

"What made the difference?" I asked. "We had a conversation," he told me. It started with him sharing his hope for a different future in which they were real partners. He didn't focus on what they didn't have but on what he thought they could.  And he listened. She shared similarly.  Over time, more was shared – including his indiscretions. Neither the world nor the relationship came crashing down. Their "conversations" had built a foundation of hope and trust again for the future.

As we head into the new year, do you have any relationships in need of redefinition?  Any conversations you have not had the courage to have?  Let's start opening ourselves up to hope for what could be. Then, listen with intent and wait for silence to figure out what you will say next.

Check out parts one, two, and three.

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To learn more about our service vacations to Guatemala, China, England... search "orphan" on this blog.  (A special thanks to Emlyn Lee at www.CulturalEmbrace.com for her support and arrangements around these trips for us!)

To Contribute to these amazing kids even the 20 bucks will change their lives meaningfully go here.

To join us in Guatemala in the spring with your family or work team, respond to kf@ferrazzigreenlight.com.

4 comments // In Philanthropy, Uncategorized

This is a four-part series sharing lessons in joy, success, and even fidelity, that I brought back with me from a 2-week service trip to Thailand and Cambodia at the close of 2010. Check back every day this week for the next three parts. -KF

Photo Courtesy of Asiacenterfoundation.org

Lesson #1: Choose your family wisely.

I saw this listed in a Bangkok gym as tip number ten to “live a long life,” but it struck me as particularly poignant as I was thinking about my trip during my last run on the beach in Thailand before going back to LA.

Let me start with the story of a brother and sister, whom Big Task Foundation now sponsors. (No pics of these specific kids at the orphanages’ request, to protect their privacy.) They were living in a trash dump, literally, with a prostitute mother and a drunk father who beat her up a lot – she drank a lot too.  During the day, they wandered the streets and at night slept on the trash among the rats. Then at the young ages of 5 and 6 they stumbled upon the Asia Center Foundation (AsiaCenterFoundation.org) and took refuge there, among people who cared about them, fed them, and got them into school and on the path to college.

In other words, they chose to find a family that gave them what they needed. The little boy, who wants to be a lawyer, still interacts with his mom although he lives at the safe house; the sister doesn't want to even visit because she’s afraid of being recruited to her mother's profession.  They’ve been through a lot, but they’re happy.

Even as children, they chose wisely. We should all do the same – and it applies to our professional lives. To be happy, you have to seek out the right partners, and be proactive about it. Frustrated by your work environment? Then find the accountability buddy who won’t let you fail.  Find or develop the team that cares so deeply about each other's success that they will out-perform better-resourced, even smarter teams because they have the passion.  Find the loving support that will give you the encouragement you need to see the potential and not the limitations. Why should you let anyone stand in your way of success when there are people out there who can give you all you need.  Find them!

Check out parts two, three, and four.

8 comments // In Philanthropy

New year, new drive, new goals. The first step to actualizing your goals is writing them down – that's why it's the first step of RMA's Relationship Action Planning tool.

RMA Ambassador and consulting associate director Aimee Lucas is leading the pack on the forums in putting her thoughts for 2011 into action.  Inspired by our own FG analyst Joe Nigro’s challenge to RMAers to the write the ‘Top 10 (or 5) Things to Accomplish for 2011’, Aimee finally put down on paper what she’s been throwing around in her head.  She will use the next couple of weeks to create action plans for each step.  Great work, Aimee and Joe!

What's one of your goals for 2011?

4 comments // In Goal Setting

A few weeks ago I was speaking at an event and two fans of our work shared their personal concern, and I could tell disappointment, due to a series of marketing emails that were sent in the run up to the launch of the Relationship Masters Academy. One lady said that Who’s Got Your Back had saved her life and she felt she had to come and see me in person to understand what was the truth – was the real Keith the one in the book or the one in the pushy emails?

That feedback came in the midst of a week of emails, blogs, and tweets echoing the same. I’ve been thinking about the situation ever since. First up, I need to say I’ve been listening. I am truly grateful for such vocal generosity in letting me know that I let you down. Exactly the behavior we all need to practice with those we care for.  Thank you for caring.

So let’s talk about how a guy who believes in authenticity, candor, and generosity above all ends up sending out a bunch of crazy-Eddie "act now or else" give away-style emails to his fans and clients.
I think the details will just feel like excuses and are frankly not that important for the purposes of passing on what I’ve learned.  But basically, we hired outside experts who have made a science of how to hit the numbers in email campaigns.  And our team, new and under pressure to succeed right out of the box in the online consumer space, thought we could control and customize their techniques to avoid messaging that wasn’t in line with my identity. The campaign was a financial success and at the same time we utterly failed.  And I am sorry.

As you guys were quick to realize, those emails were just not me. Ironically, even though I didn’t craft them myself, they had a voice and tone that was weirdly reminiscent of that kid I once was at Yale who, in unfamiliar territory, tried to fit in by working hard NOT to be himself. Thank God that back then, enough of me shined through for many to forgive my occasional lapses – maybe some even understood where they came from – and ultimately look to me as a friend and leader. Well, I'm hoping for the same again.

I’ve always said that marketing is really just another word for relationship-building at a distance.  With e-mails it’s in a virtual environment, but it’s all about figuring out what people need and offering value (by giving generously), confidently treating people with the utmost of respect (by speaking authentically and candidly) so they will listen to the story you have to tell (sharing deeply and intimately), and finally, making clear promises and then keeping them (by being accountable).

Together with my team, we put together a list of things we learned in the last month, which anybody can benefit from. I’m also hoping you’ll contribute your own rules and insights in the comments section to benefit others.
-KF

Six Rules for Building Relationships Online -- And Off

1. Define your values clearly, both to yourself and to others. The older I get and more success I experience, the more I believe that we win when we authentically believe in what we are selling (products, ideas…) and represent ourselves in a way that makes us proud.  That said, the tough thing is that you have to be self aware enough to know exactly what you care about, and then do your best to be true to that.  This can be especially challenging when you’re growing and developing your business, but you can’t let others bend who you are. Commit to an ongoing process of self-evaluation.

[Click thru for the next five rules.]

Read more →

41 comments // In Giving Feedback

I taped Dr. Oz last week - weight loss tips with a focus on buddying up for accountability and support. Working out and staying healthy is absolutely key to being able to keep up with my hectic schedule.

Since tweeting about it, I’ve gotten a lot of requests for health and workout tips.  Happy to oblige even though I don’t know I have much to say that you haven’t heard before:

You can eat as much as you want  - if you burn it off.  Calories in calories out.  Some of us burn more in a given day.  I'm not a very sedentary person so that works in my favor.

Then you need to think about where you want to compromise.  I gave up starch and white carbs like potatoes and bread etc. I "save" up my carb intake for the good stuff like wine and chocolate!  Seriously, alcohol is a huge hit to your diet so if you are going to drink, you NEED to workout more.

Then on the exercise, I do a mix of cardio and weights. They key is find something FUN you enjoy!!  I do www.BarrysBootcamp.com in LA which has great music and always mixing it up. I always try to workout with people, for example in bootcamp but I also use trainers a lot. When I land in a city my office has already set up a trainer with the concierge of the hotel before any appointments or dinner.  Every day I'm not physically traveling, I get a workout, so about 5 days a week. For example, I won't workout today because I have appointments till 10 starting at 6 AM then catch a flight to NY and land too late to workout. But its on my schedule tomorrow.  I workout as a buffer from a long day BEFORE my evening meetings and meals. It’s a refresher. I find when I want a nap, I workout. It does the same thing for me!

Hope this helps!  Questions?

2 comments // In Personal Development

I threw my hat in for the GMA advice guru gig, which was “come one, come all” for entering.  They’ve got some other entrants’ responses up on the ABC site today.

I thought I’d post a couple of my responses on the blog this week.

Here’s today’s. I hope you guys enjoy the shift from my usual workplace-relationships focus. But since business relationships are just personal relationships in more formal clothing, it’s not much of a detour at all.

1)    What would you tell his person: "Whenever there is an issue between my mother-in-law and me, my husband refuses to stand up for me. How do I get him to value our relationship more than the one with his mother? (150 words or less).

Okay -- first, stop draining yourself by competing with your mother-in-law.  I bet most of these fights are pretty unimportant – be honest, are you creating any of your own drama here?

When conflict is unavoidable, you have to get your husband thinking less about "choosing" and more about sticking up for you when he thinks you’re right.  Your husband deserves his own opinions, but when he agrees with you but sides with his mother anyway, there has to be clear accountability.  Say something like, "If you don’t have the integrity to support me when you actually feel I’m in the right, then I’m going to spend less time with your mother," or whatever consequence makes sense in your household.

Bottom line: you don’t have to be a victim here.  But you do have to be a little harder on your husband -- and a little gentler with the monster-in-law!

How did you improve your relationship with a monster in-law?

1 comment // In Relationship Development Skills

Michael Eisner's terrific new book, Working Together: Why Great Partnerships Succeed, is out, and I had the great pleasure of interviewing him on the topic at the Drucker Forum in LA last week. As soon as the video is online, I'll link it here.

Working Together is a compilation of stories of what Eisner calls "magical partnerships."  Aside from being enjoyable and inspirational reads, they shine a light on some of the traits of business' great collaborators: Shared passion. Patience. Trust. Lack of ego. Love. (Yes, love!)

Only one critique here about language: "Magical partnerships" makes it sound like Harry Potter has to send one to you by owl or you're out of luck. No way! Helping people learn what they can do to make these incredible working relationships happen is the heart of what I do.

But that doesn't make Eisner's book any less significant, or enjoyable. Working Together is a fine tribute to my favorite expression: "Business is human. Relationships power growth."

When Eisner came on at Disney, Stanley Gold and Frank Wells originally suggested that Eisner and Wells would share the CEO title. When Eisner said no, Wells stepped aside and offered to act as his COO.

Here was Eisner's reaction:

What kind of person would spend his life so successfully climbing his way up the corporate ladder and then, at the very top, step aside for someone else - and someone else, for that matter, he didn't know very well?...an executive who could cede power just like that, and be as comfortable as a number two as he was as a number one.  Could that really be true?

I was about to find out....We were headed into the toughest challenge of our professional lives, together.  For the next ten years, that journey would be as exciting, enjoyable, rewarding, and triumphant as either of us could have dared to hope.  From our first day in the office that fall, my partnership with Frank Wells taught me what it was like to work with somebody who not only protected the organization but protected me, advised me, supported me, and did it all completely selflessly.  I'd like to think I did the same for Frank, as well as the company.  We grew together, learned together, and discovered together how to turn what was in retrospect a small business into indeed a very big business.

For more on Working Together: Why Great Partnerships Succeed, check out www.michaeleisner.com.

4 comments // In Team Building