What A Pole Vaulter Can Teach You About Professional Networking

Posted on May 18th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Here’s an insight about building intimacy that I shared on yesterday’s Relationship Masters Academy coaching call.

I was a pole vaulter in high school. Until you’ve done it, you think you’re never going to be able to clear 12 feet. You think it’s impossible. You think it’s insane. But the fact is, it’s really only hard to do right up until the moment that you do it. After you KNOW you can do it, it’s no sweat. You can land it again and again.

So it is with building intimacy in relationships. First off, remember that increasing true intimacy helps move you quickly to a deeper, more productive relationship. Why? A track record of intimacy and generosity creates trust and mutual understanding – and nothing’s more important to getting more stuff done, quickly.

The problem is, if you’re like most people, you wait to share anything truly personal about yourself until you’re absolutely positively SURE that you’re not going to be rejected. It’s like you want a red carpet and a line of paparazzi to announce, “Yes, you have arrived! You can be yourself!”

Well, imagine the power and the generosity of rolling the red carpet out for someone else. That’s what building intimacy in your network requires. Take a risk! Assume you have permission until you get shot down. And then smile graciously and move on.

Finally, once you’ve built that intimacy, don’t regress. I see people all the time who take a relationship to the next level – say, with a long, slow dinner or a serious conversation – and then they immediately revert to their old, business-focused relationship and forget to nurture the newer, deeper relationship. Creating a lifelong community of colleagues, contacts, and friends means committing yourself to a relationship to the entire individual, not just the business you’ll transact together.

If you want to create a really dynamite network, you have to really follow through when you say, “I’d like to get to know you.”

What have you learned from playing (or watching) your favorite sport?

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  1. My best friend was a pole vaulter in high school and she would say what you said. I was more the long distance runner (2 miler) in HS. Having just finished running my first 1/2 marathon, I have learned that there are often reserves of energy that can propel you forward. And the pain of moving forward is much less than the pain of quitting -- usually :) (insert crazy pain from injury discalimer here!!!) And the momentum from fellow runners along the way can keep one moving and one can help others in the race the same way... Continued success with your Relationshp Masters Academy!!

  2. Thanks for reminding us of the lessons we can learn from sports. My current sport is a little unusual: I'm a dog agility handler. After two years of competing I'm am just beginning to discover what the sport is teaching me. Of course, working with a strong-willed critter is a lesson in patience (for both my dog and me), but those shining moments when everything clicks between us makes me forget all our blooper-reel runs. More importantly, I've discovered how the depth of my personal relationship with my dog translates onto the agility ring. As a result of our close day-to-day bond, Guinness is not just enthusiastic about agility, but about running the course with me. Her motivation and responsiveness to me are far greater than those "professional" handlers who run dogs they don't own (or those that don't treat their dogs as pets first). Plus it makes winning all the more fun for both of us. I think those are valuable lessons to take forward into my business & networking activities.

    • I'm sure you're right - it's no differently than in the workplace really. If you're working alongside a true friend and ally, you both care more about getting the job done well. And enjoy the process more too.

  3. Ethan Bell says:
    May 18, 2010 at 9:41 am
    Reply

    Thanks Keith for this information. I always find value in your posts.

    In every sport that I have played two common denominators have always been: openness and effective communication.

    I find these two characteristics to be invaluable in establishing and maintaining relationships.

  4. More like chess. Oh? Chess isn't a sport? Don't tell all those who are not prone to outdoors and avoid the jock territory. Chess is a sport of mind.

    Chess teaches us to listen, read between the lines, don't be in a hurry and consider the consequences.

    The relationship builds from respect and also from showing patience while the "opponent" moves. On a chess team you play "against" team mates for position and then team up to win as a unit.

    There is fear of loss with both rejection and a chess match. You certainly don't want anyone knowing what you are thinking or feeling if you want to win.

    If you want to create a really dynamite network, you have to really follow through when you say, “I would like to be of value because I am smart enough, I am good enough and by golly, I'm OK.” :) (Isn't that from a Saturday Night Live segment?
    Think so.

    Michael Hartzell

    PS
    There are those in the room who take a little too much energy to get to know. It is not rejection they have of another rather than protection of self from fear of being worn out too quickly. :)

    Always good stuff Keith. Thanks.

  5. Keith, I don't really have a good sports analogy to match with yours, but your message resonates loud and clear with me. I think we all start out willing to be intimate with sharing ourselves. I've watched this with my own children. But along the way we learn that it's painful to share intimately only to be rejected. It's like putting a shock collar on...we quickly learn our lesson to keep things to ourselves. So relearning intimacy in relationships means rediscovering courage. It's the courage to race down the runway with pole in hand, ready to scale that 12 foot barrier.

    Thanks for prodding me reflect on something that I've come to realize needs some work in my life and career. As always, I appreciate the inspiration.

  6. Ed Thacker says:
    May 19, 2010 at 12:26 pm
    Reply

    Keith, My sport is sporting clays- shooting with a shotgun and trying to break clay disks - "birds"; in simulated hunting situations. The thing about shooting at flying "birds" is that when you miss or fail, you don't know why because you can't see your shot in the air. I've learned that if I keep missing at a certain stations bird I need to do something different ...shoot with more lead, less lead, faster etc.
    This transmits to life..if you are failing at something don't keep doing the same thing!.... change! If you are successful figure out why and keep doing it, don't fall into old habits that lead to failure.

  7. Football:

    You have to call attention to yourself (i.e., showboating) to get lots of money (see Terrell Owens). A very good player playing a visible position will get more attention than a better player playing a less visible position. For example, Wilbur Marshall got plenty of attention as a weak-side linebacker for the Redskins. They then switched him to the strong side, where he was even better, but netted only one Pro Bowl. Lining up over a tight end reduced his sack count, even though he shut down the strong side rushing game.

    Different rules have tremendous consequences. In Canada, if you don't have a quarterback, you don't have an offense. In the NFL, at least you can try to run the ball.

    Leadership is critical. An owner who hires the best front office people he can will do better than a meddling owner who plays favorites with his players. Contrast Jack Kent Cooke (3 Superbowls) with Dan Snyder.

    Basketball:

    The true test of greatness is how well a player improves his teammates. A bunch of good players whole play together will beat a bunch of great players who play apart. (Think of GMU vs. UConn in '06.)

    Golf:

    Every shot, even a bad one, presents a new problem to solve. Even the best players are not perfect. The top players routinely make mistakes: they miss putts and tee off into the rough. I once saw Tiger Woods badly misjudge a putt and send it into the water. Thinking about the outcome of a shot rather than concentrating on its execution will spoil the shot. I once saw Shaquille O'Neal shank a tee shot and cuss. He was thinking about the outcome.

  8. Hi Keith - what a fantastic analogy, thank you for sharing! I really liked your idea of "rolling out the red carpet for someone else" - great way to look at relationship building. It's like how I encourage professionals to not show up to a networking opportunity announcing "here I am!", but instead announcing, "there you are!".

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