The Rule You Need to Break to Become the Jon Stewart of Small Talk

Posted on September 21st, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
- Oscar Wilde

jon-stewart-cc01-1When it comes to making an impression, differentiation is the name of the game. Confound expectation. Shake it up. How?

Small talk experts claim that when you first meet a person, you should avoid unpleasant, overly personal, and highly controversial issues.

Wrong! Don’t listen to these people! Nothing has contributed more to the development of boring chitchatters everywhere. The notion that everyone can be everything to everybody at all times is completely off the mark. Personally, I’d rather be interested in
what someone was saying, even if I disagreed, than be catatonic any day.

There’s one guaranteed way to stand out in the professional world: Be yourself. I believe that vulnerability—yes, vulnerability—is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today. Too many people confuse secrecy with importance. Business schools teach us to keep everything close to our vest. But the world has changed. Power, today, comes from sharing information, not withholding it. More than ever, the lines demarcating the personal and the professional have blurred. We’re an open-source society, and that calls for open-source behavior. And as a rule, not many secrets are worth the energy required to keep them secret.

Being up front with people confers respect; it pays them the compliment of candor. The issues we all care most about are the issues we all want to talk about most. Of course,this isn’t a call to be confrontational or disrespectful. It’s a call to be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to genuinely allow other people into your life so that they can be vulnerable in return.

How many negotiations would have ended better if both parties involved were simply honest and forthright about their needs? Even when there is disagreement, I’ve found people will respect you more for putting your cards on the table.

Whether at the negotiating table or at the dinner table, our penchant for inhibition creates a psychological barrier that separates us from those we’d like to know better. When we leave a formal, hesitant, and uncomfortable conversation where we’ve held back our true selves, we console ourselves by dismissing the encounter, or more often the person, by thinking, “We had nothing in common anyway.”

But the truth is everyone has something in common with every other person. And you won’t find those similarities if you don’t open up and expose your interests and concerns, allowing others to do likewise.

Bonus: Once you know heartfelt candor is more effective than canned quips in starting a meaningful conversation, the idea of “breaking the ice” becomes easy. Too many of us believe “breaking the ice” means coming up with a brilliant, witty, or extravagantly insightful remark - we think we need to be Jay Leno or Jon Stewart. We don’t. When you realize the best icebreaker is a few words from the heart, you’ve got everything you need.

Question: What makes small talk hard for you?

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10 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. I agree that people hold back on too much. They are scared of saying something about religion, politics or other subject.... but just because people old different beliefs does not preclude them from being great friends. Sharing your opinions in a RESPECTFUL manner is not dangerous to a relationship. It is when people think every encounter is a competition and they must WIN that they get in trouble.

    Too many people look at others as "out to get em", so they hold themselves back... never opening up. The truth is that if we stop thinking that the other guy's success takes away from ours and find ways to assist them.... it all comes back around.

    It all starts with the first encounter and being willing to open up, and being accepting when the other person does the same.

  2. Keith, I must say that this is one of my most favorite blog posts as it truly resonates with me. I agree, vulnerability is a core value that seems to get shunned in the business world ... but when approached properly, it can open up relationships that will go beyond just business. It will increase your level of present moment joy ... and isn't that what we all want? ... the most moments of joy possible in every day.

    I thoroughly enjoyed "Who's got your back" as it not only reinforced my thoughts and beliefs about relationships but taught me one big thing ... to not only be more vulnerable but to state "vulnerability" as one of core values to my clients. I love the look on my client's face when I start articulating what vulnerability means to me and how I incorporate it into all of my relationships .... Immediately, I gain trust and credibility. Stating vulnerability as a core value also gives me the opportunity to ask my client if they can honor this value as we work together ... they have always said yes with a warm smile ... paving the road for the extraordinary.

  3. What makes small talk hard for me? When someone "throws" me by asking about me first. I've learned so thoroughly to focus on the other person first that when someone focuses on me first, I have to take a moment to catch up. But then I enjoy the experience.

    I sent this post to a client because we were discussing this very topic in a session today. We agreed that he needed to be himself. If people don't want to work with who he really is, then he doesn't want to work with them. We can only hide our true selves so long. Better to get it out in the open early on.

  4. If only sales people could learn this little piece of wisdom. I've heard so many salespeople drone on about themselves, their product, and what they want...it's like Carnegie said, the most interesting subject is me, and people's favorite word is their own name.

  5. I actually have a follow on to your point about vulnerability.

    I had some bad news early this week, and was still reeling from it yesterday when I reconnected with someone about a referral. It had been months since we'd talked, and she asked me how I was doing. I could have "been tough" and said everything was fine. But she caught me at a vulnerable moment, and I found myself telling her what was going on. It turns out that a part of her business I didn't know about can help me. Suddenly, I have options I didn't have before!

    Not only can she help me, but she may be able to help two of my clients as well. So my allowing myself to show some vulnerability gets her potential business. It gives me options. And it may give two of my clients options as well. That's a lot better outcome than if I had said "Oh, I'm fine."

  6. Jacqueline Reitnauer says:
    September 23, 2009 at 4:31 pm
    Reply

    The hardest thing for me in small talk is when I ask people "how are you doing?" or "anything new recently?" and they don't answer honestly. I then can't think of another leading question - I don't want to talk about me, but sometimes there is no other option of what to talk about because they won't TALK.

    Another problem that I have is that my "superiors" (I use that loosely and in quotes, because I do not believe they are superior to me, even though the corporate structure says they are) have always told me to bring LESS of myself to the workplace. Leave home at home when you come through the door, they say, so I have become paranoid any time I end up having even a semi-personal conversation with a co-worker.

  7. I agree! Vulnerability is key to any relationship - ANY. Talking to others about "hot topics" is great to open that up and being honest is a must. In sales, no matter which level, honesty (especially when you say 'I messed up') is so important. If you are honest and open you will create a strong relationship built on trust. Even if your product might not be as good as some other products, if you are honest, and can follow through and back your product up, you end up with a better relationship that will be harder for some competitor to break.

  8. Weird but only fifty percent the post is displaying up for me. Is this the internet website or my internet browser. Should I restart my on-line browser?

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