Get Intimate at Work – I Think You’ll Find It’s Productive

Posted on March 30th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Did anyone else catch the Scientific American Article, “How Science Can Help You Fall in Love?"scientificamerican

The authors give us 10 new “technologies” for building intimacy. I took one look and realized they could be easily adapted to creating intimacy in any relationship, not just romantic ones.

Remember, the more you can deepen intimacy in a professional relationship, the more that person will want to help you, and the more you’ll want to help them. Deep reciprocity is an unstoppable force that can transform your career and your life.

Here’s my top five favorite technologies for building intimacy, adapted from the article.

1.      Arousal

No, I’m not talking about the bedroom. Studies by researchers such as psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University show that people tend to bond emotionally when aroused, say, through exercise, adventures or exposure to dangerous situations. Roller coaster, anyone? I like to bring people into Barry’s Bootcamp in LA for an over-the-top workout, followed by brunch. It’s a great way to quickly escalate intimacy.

2.      Proximity & Familiarity

Studies by Stanford University social psychologists Leon Festinger and Robert Zajonc and others conclude that simply being around someone tends to produce positive feelings.  In the old days I would “stalk” my targets – in a good way – by following them around to different conferences and always being there to speak to them, before they went on stage.  If you can’t be with the person physically, then connecting with them and engaging them via social media is the next best thing.

3.      Humor

Any experienced sales person can tell you about the power of humor in sales.  Humor puts people at ease, they let down their defenses.  Research has shown that the simple act of smiling elevates mood and disposition.  Humor can be tricky though, because you run the risk of offending someone if you cross over the line.  You need to gauge the other person’s tolerance and adjust your humor accordingly.  Now go and make someone smile!

4.      Novelty

Psychologist Greg Strong of Florida State University, Aron and others have shown that people tend to grow closer when they are doing something new. Novelty heightens the senses and also makes people feel vulnerable.  Getting someone out of their regular environment is a critical part of how I accelerate intimacy during meetings.  Even if it’s just to go grab a cup of coffee – invite the other person along. Do something out of the ordinary together.

5.      Self-Disclosure

Research by Aron, Sprecher and others indicates that people tend to bond when they share secrets with each other. Once again, the key here is allowing oneself to be vulnerable.  Instead of bragging about your achievements, discuss the struggles you’ve overcome. This allows people to see that you’re human and they will feel less guarded around you.

So go ahead – get intimate at work! I think you’ll find it’s productive.

Which technologies have you used in the past to create intimacy?

Also, got ideas for “Great Relationships” images I can use on the FG site?

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14 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. This is a great start. But how about Empathy? Unless you can sense the emotional state of another, it's tough to connect with them. Our research shows that managers/leaders who know how to 'walk in another's shoes' will outperform their less empathetic peers - and feel better to boot! The great news is that, like the other items mentioned above, Empathy can be learned.

    Best,
    Dean

  2. Constantly give out referrals without expectation for recipication. It will get you on the dinner party list and who knows who you will meet there.

  3. Yet again another great article. BTW the link in to Scientific America has an extra http//. I also enjoyed how "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" also has sales == falling in love.

  4. For a long-term relationship, a track record of kindness and patience is essential.

    Falling in love is the easy part. Maintaining love and trust is the challenge, and much of that boils down to character: kind and giving, or selfish jerk? It also requires time and commitment.

    Final tip for those intrigued by "How Science Can Help You Fall in Love?" No, most women don't find white lab coats to be sexy. Sorry.

  5. Great article! I think that adding value to the relationship is important. That could involve giving your best; your best time, or your best self. Being present during the encounter. Many times we are mentally in the next adventure while we are currently in the midst of a present event and we miss what is actually occuring in front of us.

    Thanks! Keep giving good insight. I found out about you through Walden College's MBA program. I haven't decided if I will attend. Still pondering.

  6. Hey Keith,

    I love this post. First off on the arousal component, as an avid surfer, I think that finally explains why surfers develop such a bond with each other. We are continually experience heightened states of arousal. I also think that there's alot to be said for self disclosure. I'm known sometimes to to have "no filters" when I talk to people I've just met. But I've also found that it makes people who do end up liking me, like me much faster than they ever would if I tried to fit some sort of mold or be on my best behavior. Thanks for sharing this. Look forward to more great stuff from you Keith.

  7. it is great. i read some of this tip in "never eat alone" and "who's got you back. i use this idea in my life. many people feel closed me more. but....to be honest, i don't know how my doing. after time, they are not still closed me more. it just the first feeling. my relationship was broken (a part of it). i try again. but it is not better. many people said that" the friends in need is the friend indeed."^.^...
    love!

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  9. March 30, 2010

    Dear Sir,
    I was trying to find which Scientific American issue this came from, because I have March, and April issues, and It is not either one of them.
    Thank you,
    Chris Webb

  10. Juli Capinera says:
    March 30, 2010 at 6:56 pm
    Reply

    I agree 110% with Dean Becker! It's ironic that I saw this today because I'm almost done reading "Just Listen", which you did the intro for, and empathy's the main undercurrent in that book. Great article, Keith!

  11. Juli Capinera says:
    March 30, 2010 at 7:00 pm
    Reply

    Keith, in regards to images for "Great Relationships", you should totally put pics of animals snuggling or something - something that's both platonic and intimate at the same time :)

  12. Great tips! I would also recommend to try to have eat with someone different everyday, so you get to know as many people as possible

  13. Keith - I agree with points 1 to 4, but I would use 5 with caution. A certain degree of self-disclosure is great for networking, but I think constantly talking about one's failures doesn't always paint a good image of oneself! Talking about your achievements all the time makes you a bragger and talking about your failures always makes you a pitiful case. I'd say it must be a balance, and most self-disclosures must be non-work-related. Just my 2 cents.

  14. A quagmire for working moms- Will people still think you're a kick as leader when they find out you're also brownie baking mom who kisses boo-boo's?

    I'm all for having close personal relationships and I think that knowing people on a deeper level at work makes you more effective, more successful, and makes work more fun.

    Here's my challenge, as a woman with two school age children I find that when I mention my kids, and people see my obvious enthusiasm for them, they start to think of me differently. It's not that they think I'm any less smart, but I find that when a man discloses how much being a father matters to him, it enhances his professional credibility, but somehow when a woman does the same, it's like all of a sudden she's a mom, and therefore not the astute decision maker who can lead the charge to conquer new markets.

    Is it just me, or do have other people observed a subtle shift in perception when you find out someone is a mother?

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