Three Steps to Kick Social Anxiety and Become Comfortable Approaching Anyone

Posted on August 19th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

keithinactionI was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. – John Keats

There are people who don't think twice about addressing a room full of new people, a table of potential clients, or an attractive single in a bar.

Then there are the rest of us. But in a world of relentless competition, you can't afford to let social anxiety hold you back. It's wasted opportunity. So what to do?

For many people, the fear of meeting others is closely tied to the fear of public speaking (a fear that consistently beats out death as the one thing we dread most). Some of the world’s most famous speakers admit to feeling similar anxiety. Marcus Buckingham, for example, who's addressed thousands as a speaker and millions as a guest on Oprah has said that he gets "throw-up nervous" before every engagement.

Try these three steps to tame your natural anxiety:

1.    Acknowledge that your fear is perfectly normal. You are not alone – and fear is not an excuse for inaction.

2.    Recognize that getting over that fear is critical to your success. The choice isn’t between success and failure; it’s between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.

3.    Commit to getting better. How? Some ideas:

•    Find a role model. Have your most gregarious friend wingman for you at a few events. Watch what they do, and over time, adopt their techniques as your courage builds.
•    Learn to speak. Join an organization such as Toastmasters that gives you the chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment, with an instructor who can guide and push you.
•    Get involved. You’ll feel most comfortable when you’re doing something you enjoy with others who share your enthusiasm. So become an active member in a club or organization, and ultimately take on a leadership role.
•    Just do it. Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you’ve never spoken with. You’ll
find that it gets easier and easier with practice.

As you reach out to others, don’t worry about failure! As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, “Fail, fail again. Fail better.” Fear debilitates. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person—no matter how seemingly beyond your reach—becomes an opportunity to succeed.

What are your tried and true tricks to bust through nervousness while speaking to a group?

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39 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Keith,

    Excellent topic. As someone who'd like to become more social yet chooses to hang back so many times, I find advice that comes from personal experience invaluable.

    I've found that every time I've really managed to build quick but strong connections - I've been completely committed to meeting the person, to the point of slowly walking over and sitting down.

    Also, Stoicism has a wealth to apply to our fear of initiating connection:

    “Today I escaped from anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions—not outside.” -Marcus Aurelius

    From "Stoicism 101: A Practical Guide for Entrepreneurs"

    http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/04/13/stoicism-101-a-practical-guide-for-entrepreneurs/

  2. Fantastic Topic!

    I have a fear of both public speaking and introducing myself to higher executives, but I force myself to do it in hopes of conquering this fear. Not too long ago, I introduced myself to our top executive (once in a lifetime opportunity) and let's just say I made quit the impression. I was trying to pay a compliment that I failed to communicate the way I envisioned. Luckily, he has a wonderful sense of humor and understood what I meant. It has taught me a valuable lesson to think before I speak because others may not be so forgiving.

  3. Keith:
    I first met you at THE Conference on Marketing in Vegas a few years back. I have both your books (bought a 4-pack of the second one for my dream team). Anyway, wanted you to know that you're one of the few folks I follow. I appreciate your genuine interest in people and desire to make a difference. Keep on keepin on!

  4. Keith,

    I find that as I get older I pull back more. When I was younger in my late teens through my 20's I would go up to almost anyone or speak publicly without being nervous. Maybe it was my stage training. Now I shake. I attend University of Phoenix, in every class we have to do a presentation,whether it be a group, individual or both presentation, I seem to get nervous in front of my peers. Maybe i know I am being graded but I start to really shake. Yet, when I am sitting in my chair I can comfortably speak about anything.

    I go into bars and I remain closed within myself. I wish I knew what is causing these fears in my late life. Thanks for writing such a great topic. It is good to know that such successful people have the same fears I do. By-the-way, it was rumored that Johnny Carson every night had to be pushed onto the stage because he had stage fright.

  5. Keith,

    I do believe this is a great topic. I would suggest that you pick your wingman carefully as too many times you get comfortable talking to your wingman and both of you are held back from the true purpose of the event. I say this because I took your advice found a great mentor/wingman someone I truly admire for the ability to fly off the cuff and we ended up spending the entire time talking to one another. (not all bad as we built a better relationship) my goal was to meet 15 people and I failed.

    Thanks for the books.

    Woody

  6. Susan Peters says:
    August 19, 2009 at 5:44 am
    Reply

    I also used to psych myself out when needing to approach or connect with someone that in my mind was "above" me, whether in economic means, social status, or in the company hierarchy. What helped me move beyond that was realizing two things…1) it was in my mind, and 2) that these individuals are just other human beings on this planet trying to do the best they can with what they have – same as me. They all have good days, bad days, hopes, dreams, family tragedies, illnesses, fears, frustrations and moments of insecurity. They have just had different opportunities and experiences that have led them to different places. Underneath those things that are a bit superficial – attractiveness, job titles, positions, bank accounts – in the grand scheme of things, we are all just people in search of connection, acceptance, and finding meaning in our worlds. Once I adopted this new perspective, it has been much easier to approach anyone, and I have very rarely been disappointed by someone’s response.

  7. Ben Ekejiuba says:
    August 19, 2009 at 5:51 am
    Reply

    This is indeed a most important topic and is vital to our success in all aspects of human endeavour. It is indeed a subject that is worth imparting to people especially the young ones as early in life as is possible. QUITE EDUCATIVE AND EYE-OPENING!!!

  8. This comment is for Steve, a couple of comments above:

    Steve - our research at Adaptiv Learning Systems shows that as we get older, our lives do tend to get "smaller" unless we push against that tendency. It seems that the longer we spend on the planet, the more our dreams, expectations and overall optimism take hits, and the tougher it can become to continue reaching out. The best way to re-build self confidence is to get some fresh points on the board. Sometimes it can be as simple as remembering a time that you felt really good and did really well in a social situation before going into the bar. Finally, although I rarely ever recommend a medical solution, I've found that taking 10mg of Propranolol about 30 minutes prior to a high stakes meeting can really help. It's a beta blocker - sometimes called the stage fright pill - that reduces the anxiety response, e.g., sweaty palms, dry mouth, racing heart, long enough to let you get into your presentation, sales call, etc. Hope this helps.

  9. Keith,

    Thank you for the tips on overcoming this fear.

    I find that speaking in front of a group is easier than introducing myself to someone new. I think it's because I can mentally hide behind my message when I am speaking on stage. By focusing on the audience and the message I am trying to deliver it seems to push the fear aside. I still have some stage fright, but much less when I am prepared.

    I have had particular trouble at social events like parties, or networking events. For some reason reaching out to someone new at these venues is a greater struggle. Perhaps, I don't feel like I have a message to focus on.

    Your exorcise to speak for two minutes on a life changing event, or something that I am truly passionate about was helpful and I am using it to overcome my fear. How do you recommend drawing a new acquaintance into a meaningful conversation from this starting point?

    I have very much enjoyed both of your books. I have recommended, or given many copies to people who I thought would benefit from reading them, as I have.

    Thank you.

    Glen

  10. In coaching my Authentic Success clients on this topic I remind them, "It's not about you." Whether speaking to a large group or meeting someone one-on-one, if we truly focus on the group/person and how we can help them (meet their need) we can forget about ourselves. We're all on this globe to help one another live full lives. You have something to give to others that no one else can.

  11. Keith,

    You are absolutely bang on and I find that I continually need to remind myself of that fact. When I'm actively engaging new relationships it feels great and I see results then if I stop for a period that first re-engagement becomes harder again.
    For myself and for others often answering the "Why" we should be doing something and the Why we are not is more important than revisiting the What we should be doing. The Website listed is a link to a blog on the topic.

  12. @Kevin - committing yourself 100% is the only way to go. Thanks for the tip - I'll check out Tim's new stuff!

    @Liz - brave one! Do you think he likes you even more for your gaffe? That happens. Good lesson tho.

    @Jim - Thank you! Four years seems like so long ago, and yesterday.

    @Steve - We do change as we grow older - Dean's comment below gives some perspective. But presenting in an educational setting is it's own kind of stress. (Did you know I did UoP's big graduation? That was amazing!) As for bars, who needs 'em? Make new friends by following passions and sharing activities. It'll help.

    @Woody - Such an important point. We have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone.

    @Susan - Your comment reminds me of a great quote, I can't remember who, "Be kind, for we are all fighting our own battle." Make a choice!

    @Ben - Thanks for the comment!

    @Dean - Interesting - are there side effects?

    @Glen - Do you remember the steps to instant intimacy from WGYB? Also here's what I wrote a while back on the topic for Fast Co: "Just approach them like you would a pool of cold water -- one step at a time. Put your toe in and see if you can handle that. Then you might wade in until the water's up to your knees. At some point, you'll get sufficiently comfortable, bold, or probably both and decide, "You know what? I'm just going to dive in.""

  13. Listen to a few kick ass songs to get you into your groove. If your body isn't moving and you're not singing... then find better songs.

  14. I have that same fear, only with a slight twist. I can speak publicly or privately inperson, but put me on the phone and I stumble all over myself. A fear that I have to get over, since my lively hood is in sales.

  15. Josh Phanco says:
    August 19, 2009 at 8:13 am
    Reply

    I have been making a conscious effort to volunteer to speak at events and meetings that are less intimidating. For example, I'm actively involved with my church and so I have been intentionally making an effort to speak in front of fellow church members about issues related to our church. This is a much friendlier group than most and they are much more accepting of my amateurish speaking abilities. But the more I do it, I find myself getting better with my presentation and delivery which will better prepare me for the more difficult speaking engagements. My suggestion...examine your current affiliations and see if there is a group that you are very comfortable in and start speaking their first!

  16. Keith - as always, excellent tips! I have found that in most cases the person you're afraid to walk up to is just as afraid as you are. By making the first move you're relieving their anxiety too.

    To Steve - regarding public speaking, I used to get very nervous and couldn't sleep a wink the night before a big presentation. I realized that by focusing more on my content and less on my delivery I became confident and relaxed on stage just like your comment about speaking from your chair. Don't get me wrong - I still get nervous beforehand, but within a few minutes of being on stage, I'm in the groove!

  17. Howard Tucker says:
    August 19, 2009 at 9:18 am
    Reply

    About ten years ago, I was well-rewarded at a testimonial baseball dinner where several Hall of Famers were the guest speakers. During the cocktail hour, the guests of honor were mobbed and there was no hope of getting close enough to meet them. So, I approached an elegant woman standing alone nursing a drink, and assuming she was another paying guest, introduced myself. Lo and behold, she was the wife of the keynote speaker, and I knew enough about her husband (who was Rookie of the Year the year I was born) to create an impression. She invited me to have a drink with the two of them after the dinner, and I did, and we still remain in touch today.

  18. For initiating conversations with people you don't know it helps me to remember that my objective isn't to get the person to do something for me. Instead, my objective is to learn about the person and identify ways I could help and serve that person.

    Also, one more suggestion is to act normal and SMILE at the person as you talk with them. I think one of the first objectives after you get the guts to talk to the person and smile at them is to get them to smile back. If you are both smiling and talking with eachother I think that is a success.

  19. Keith,
    I am a new member. I had the pleasure of watching you and shaking your hand afterwords in Minnesota. I will try to keep this brief. A few nights ago I was watching a old DVD I picked up at the pawn shop for a buck. The name is "Never been Kissed", staring Drew Barrymore. The jest is this, She had to go undercover as a high school student and get a story. She was a total mess when she was actually a student prior. She kept having flash backs of the "old self".
    I think, as a people, we are more critical of ourselves then others ever are. The movie got me to thinking, and, I have to add, you touching on this subject is refreshing. I think it's a safety, self preservation thing as humans for us.
    After your talk, I made myself go up and shake your hand. I could see you were in a hurry to be out the door. I did this because it was the scariest thing I could think of. You had spoke about challenges in life. I think, a few other posts here did as well.
    We cant see ourselves as other do. I think its great that you have started this program. Not only, to hold others accountable to the truth, but ourselves as well. This helps us as people grow and learn. Good luck, I think your a wonderful inspiration.

  20. Shannon, thank you for coming and meeting me in Minnesota. I was in a hurry then but I say to you now: WELL DONE! And you are right - we are our own worst critics, always.

  21. "my objective isn’t to get the person to do something for me. Instead, my objective is to learn about the person and identify ways I could help and serve that person."

    Matt, couldn't have said it better myself.

  22. This is a great topic with helpful tips. I decided this year to 'just do it' - mainly telenars, but at least I'm getting 'out there' and learning how to get the knowledge that's in my head, out of my mouth, in hopefully, an easy, understandable way.
    Thanks so much,
    Gina

  23. Keith,

    Thanks for your great suggestions. Oh, social anxiety and public speaking, the forever timely topics.

    I used to be painfully shy before college; turned tomato red if someone spoke to me! Taking theater classes, specifically "Improv Theater" at the Conservatory of Theater in SF, a public speaking workshop, Toastmaster and the National Speakers Association have all helped me during different stages of life. The honor of giving a commencement speech at the UC Berkeley Greek Theater in front of 6,000+ inspired me to prepare like never before and really enjoyed myself! Why? I had an important message to share! After more than 20 years, I still do my breathing and theater warm up exercises before a major speech or client presentation. Ironically, my success have always depending on my connecting with my audiences of one or thousands, current and future clients, whether I am a keynote speaker, strategic marketing and innovation consultant or the many years I was marketing executive at Fortune 500 companies.

    Twitter: @kcInnovation

  24. Keith I truly enjoyed your program this evening in Omaha. Back in the early 1980's one of my circle told me that you need to tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear if you are going to be successful. Today you re-confirmed that message. I also had the opportunity to network with three talented individuals thanks to UOP and your presentation.

  25. Some one I know who is a great public speaker but had been very shy as a child shared one of his strategies. He says he goes to events a little before time and makes it a point to introduce himself to people as they arrive. This takes away the anxiety of being with strangers.

  26. Those are 4 of my top tips too - the role modeling tip is very strong, and it doesn't have to be someone you know personally as-in a TV personality.

    Then the just do it suggestion is more powerful that most would estimate.

    A tip I would add is see yourself as connected to everyone and everything. In Martial Arts, we learn that all is one and this is not a lofty concept just for the dojo or the spiritually inclined because in fact, it's impossible to be disconnected from everyone/everything except in our minds.

    That means when you address that "scary sea of faces" you should see them as exactly the same as you, because guess what - they are!

    Hope that helps!

    Best,
    David Portney

  27. One thing that really gets in my way is adrenalin. I get such a big rush, even in fairly non-threatening situations like a phone-call, that lose my voice entirely. There doesn't seem to be a good way to control the adrenalin response naturally, although beta-blockers work great. However, I can't go through the rest of my life taking beta-blockers every time I think I'm going to be nervous...

    Any suggestions? I've read and heard that this is a real problem for many people. Breathing, yoga, visualizing, positive self-talk...nope. Still get the huge rush. Take a beta-blocker? I'm like a pro...no problem.

  28. Ernest Sickenberger says:
    August 20, 2009 at 4:24 pm
    Reply

    Keith:
    Maybe you could suggest some worthwhile techniques of becoming a more social person. I don't believe I am, MAINLY because I am a Traumatic Brain Injury survivor, and my speech and motor skills where severely impaired. I talk at a slower speed. This is a life-long battle, which I am WINNING! Ms. Karen Jashisky put me in touch w/ your blog

  29. Keith, great topic. I was feared meeting someone new (still get a little fear when it comes to telling my story to certain individuals) but now I can approach anyone. I think the fear can be overcome by acknowledging who you really are and what you really want. I did this by staring at myself in the mirror whenever I go into a bathroom that has a mirror.

  30. Alcohol always worked for me! Not too much, just enough to get me out there!

  31. great tips Keith. I also recommend if people are nervous about presenting- practice, practice and practice. Most nerves develop when we think we won't come across as credible to our audience. The more you practice, the more comfortable you will be with your program, the less nervous you will be.

  32. Parents can also help their kids grow up with comfort in public speaking by looking for and creating opportunities. I grew up in a religion where young people get opportunities to give short talks occasionally and that really helped. Scouting, various clubs, drama, debate all can give these opportunities. But you can create them in your own family and in gatherings with friends and relatives, where children are given experiences to contribute, to share a thought, give a little speech, act in a skit, etc. Practice and exposure lead to comfort.

  33. Keith,
    Thank you for your blog posts, your two great books and your fabulous presentations at the National Speakers Association Convention in Phoenix last month!

    One of my tried and true tricks to bust through nervousness when speaking to a group is to use a positive mantra. Rather than thinking negative thoughts before I begin to speak, like "don't screw up" or "what if I forget what I want to say?" I repeat my positive mantra as a means of boosting my confidence and focusing on the audience (because my speech should be about them, not me).

    I teach this technique to people who are anxious about speaking in public and encourage them to find a mantra that is personally meaningful and believable. It could be a song title (Aretha Franklin's "RESPECT" comes to mind), a line from a poem or anything that makes them feel powerful and confident. And it has to be strong enough to drown out the negative, "Joy-Sucker" voice in their heads that undermines their confidence and makes them less able to convey their knowledge and experience to the audience.

    My personal mantra is "You go, girl!" (accompanied by a mental fist in the air).

  34. Though I have not written out these steps and this is my first time reading them laid out like this. I have found in my own life as a motivational speaker that the jitters just come. However, I get my blood pumping just like in the gym (because that is where I get my best ideas) and meetings just take care of themselves. It doesn't hurt that I have kind of a ready, fire...aim type personality.

    Great article. Keep pushing it up!

  35. Social anxiety is not that simple. Most people with SA are 100% cognizant that their fears are irrational - that's why it's so stressful.

    Your "Three Steps to Kick Social Anxiety" may apple to people who are just a bit shy, not people with actual SA, which requires a lot more than three steps to deal with.

  36. I agree with Anxious M - it's not that simple. I am well aware of my irrationalities of shyness which borders on SA. I've forced myself many times to break through the fear but it has not ceased.

    On the other hand, aside from slight nervousness, I have no issue addressing a room full of people to give either an acting performance or a presentation and rather enjoy it.

    The two are NOT connected.

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