Connecting vs. not connecting reminds me of a professor who taught my
fellow psychiatry residents of the difference between "experience near"
vs. "experience distant" language.
His point is that people's
minds are too cluttered to take in, much less implement, experience
distant language that they have to think too much about to understand.
They will very quickly begin to look like deers in the headlight of the
Encyclopedia Brittanica.
On the other hand most people are
hungry, if not starved, to feel and will open their minds to experience
near language that they can feel as soon as they hear it. A couple
months ago I met with Jeff Brenzel, Dean of Admissions at Yale University, where we were talking about our mutual friend, Keith Ferrazzi.
Jeff and I are admirers of Keith's best selling book, Never Eat Alone,
and Jeff pointed out to me, how each of the words in the book's title,
i.e. never...eat...alone are incredibly evocative of human experiences
that all of want to have eased.
What I like most about the book
is that it draws you in with the title via your right brain, but then
totally satisfies your left brain with all the sensible, practical
advice it contains.
Communication is in the ear…and body language of the beholder.
Never talk over people, rarely talk at them, at the very least talk to them, and try to talk with them.
- Talking over = diatribe
They’ll
leave at the earliest opportunity because you’re insulting them by
treating them as if they’re not there. They’re thinking: “What a
buffoon, I’m outta’ here at the next break.” Never do this.
- Talking at = debate
They
feel like you’re sticking your finger in their face. They’ll either: a)
hunker down in a submissive pose with their chin tucked into their neck
if they’re intimidated. It's as if they’re saying: “Please don’t be
angry at me;” or b) they’ll stick their chin out at you and narrow
their eyes if they’re ticked off. It's as if they’re saying: “You can’t
talk to me like that!” Do this only in a situation such as being in
overtime in the seventh game of the NBA finals, your players know you
respect them and you need them to execute, not think.
- Talking to = discussion
They’ll
nod from the neck up as if to say, “Yes, that makes sense,” and may or
may not follow through. This is the language of doing business as
usual. Use this as your usual mode of speaking.
- Talking with = dialogue
They’ll
relax their shoulders and neck as if you’ve moved over to their side
and put your arm around their shoulder like a loving parent or
grandparent. It's as if you've told them: “It’ll be okay. We can work
this out.” This is the language of intimacy. Aspire to this in matters
of the heart and when possible in matters of the world.
If you've got children, it'll be time well spent listening to Mark on the radio this Sunday morning. (If you're not a parent, pass this to someone who is...remember the three keys to loyalty: health, wealth, and children.)
Are you raising your child to succeed or fail? with Dr. Mark Goulston Sunday, August 13 7:30-8:00am Pacific 790 KABC-AM in Los Angeles or online at http://kabc.com/listenlive.asp
Gonna try something a little different today. Here's a recording of a voicemail Keith left me about a recent weekend, below that are links to companies he mentions, and below that photos of Keith's polo outing.
(apologies in advance...didn't catch the audio of Keith saying he and his friends got brought on stage to sing with Elton John and haven't been able to track down the photos of that either)
Do you ever see couples eating together at a restaurant, never saying a word to each other, and who might as well be eating alone?
Here are some tips for starting one of the best conversations you will ever have with your partner.
For Men Only:
Say to your partner, "Have I ever made you feel that you were not worth listening to?" (If you've been together less than five years, their hurt at your having done this will be stronger than their anger; if you've been together more than five years, their anger will be stronger than their hurt.) Regardless of their emotional reaction, add: "Just because I don't know how to listen in the right way without either trying to minimize what you're saying or fix things doesn't mean that you're not worth listening to. And don't you let anyone, including me, make you feel that way. AND I AM SORRY."
Don't say it, if you don't mean it. But if you do mean it and do say it, you might get "lucky" (according to women in audiences I have given to couples at corporate retreats).
For Women Only:
Say to your partner, "Have I ever made you feel that I don't admire and respect you more today than when we first met?" After your partner finishes picking his jaw up off the floor, add: "Look, just because I take out the stress I feel from our kids, my job, your and my parents, etc. on you because you're safe, doesn't mean that I don't feel lucky to have you in my life. And if I've never let you know that, I've been wrong. AND I AM SORRY."
If you mean it and say this, your partner may feel like he died and went to heaven (as some men have said in those couple audiences and retreats mentioned above) and at the very least will want to return the favor by being more loving towards you.
I was out in Aspen recently at the Fortune Brainstorm conference, which is right up there with TED and Davos in my book, and I had the fortune to lunch with former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. As soon as she asked about Ferrazzi Greenlight and I explained our focus on
helping organizations and people grow through deeper relationships, she said,
“I have to tell you something. I can’t imagine anything more important in my
career than relationships.” Here are a few of her thoughts.
She said the most important thing they ever had to do in
the court was to make sure they sustained dialogue among the justices. She sort
of mandated that everyone would be friends, and she dif things like
facilitating putting contests and asking everyone to have lunch together to
make that happen. She mentioned that when Clarence Thomas joined the bench he
said he wasn’t going to do the lunches (she thought the reason might have been
a little residual bitterness about the confirmation process he went through).
But after he skipped the first lunch, she went downstairs and told him,
“Listen, I want you to come up to lunch. We need you to come up. We want to be
friends.” And he did.
She also told me, “It doesn’t matter who you are. We’re
all human. Frankly, it’s easy to become more likeable, you just have to work at
it a little.”
She said Congress has been a challenge. Whenever she
noticed particular members of congress who didn’t like the Supreme Court
justices, she invited them over and cooked lunch for them herself.
She feels that one of the biggest problems in Congress
today is that they don’t put in the time to forge relationships across the
aisle. They all go home on the weekends, don’t get in until Monday, leave on
Thursday, and force so much work to get done in between that they don’t even
eat lunch with their staffs. Her suggestion is to change the rules and make
them have lunch three times a session.
Maybe it’s time to send a certain orange book to your senators and representatives. ;-)
Casey the college student wants to be an ombudsperson (I
know, you don't hear that one every day, but he seems to have genuine interest
and related talents), but he says he's asked everyone he knows and none know an
ombudsperson who can give him a little advice, discuss the career, etc. Here's
my two cents on where to look next outside his own backyard.
Check your university. Most schools employ an
ombudsperson or several. And since you're a student there, you should have no
problem getting access to speak with them.
Find a professional organization. Every profession has
clubs who are always looking for new members. Nowhere else will you find a
higher density of people in the profession of your choice or people with more
energy for discussing what's great about their profession. A quick Google
search would lead to http://www.ombudsassociation.org/,
among other places.
Anyone have more advice or a contact for Casey, email him or
post a comment.
Recently I have been slipping and violating a dictum I try to follow, namely "take the world seriously, but not yourself."
I often get into intense exchanges with people that I believe are mutually rewarding, satisfying, etc.... however I also get into exchanges with smart people who would just like a breather from the intensity of the world and where my intensity is "looking for respect in all the wrong places."
I think the best deterrent to this, which unfortunately comes as too little, too late, is my wife telling me I've done it yet again (been too intense in a social gathering where less was more appropriate). My explanation that it is a manifestation of my fearful aggression (i.e. an "over the top" compensation for my social shyness) is insightful, but no longer an excuse.
Here is a challenge to you that comes from my clinical practice.
I call it the "Better Safe than Sorry Challenge"
If you had the choice to be with a mate, spouse, or lover who was very safe (in
that they didn't lie to or cheat on you), but so boring that you sometimes
would rather jump out the window than listen to them for a half hour
or
be with one that was exciting, stimulating, emotionally and intellectually
invigorating, but who so unsafe (in that they did lie to or cheat on you) that
when you caught them, it made you want to push them out the window
and you had to choose one or the other, (and staying single or serial monogamy
were not options) which would you choose?
P.S. I received a response from one of the other sites I write to and for that may have summed it up:
Never Eat Alone is about making connections with people who can help you achieve your dreams, but doing your best to help them achieve theirs first. Bill Sherman a partner at intulogy is one of those people for me.
Not only does he help to develop much of the training you see and will continue to see at Ferrazzi Greenlight, he has embraced the spirit of Never Eat Alone and I for one have benefited from it. He introduced me to execubooks.com which started a new execubooksblog, where I get to be one of their thought leader bloggers.
This week they asked me to do a blog on their featured book, The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden. The book is a good read and as usual, execubooks does a great summary of it.
