This is a particularly fast paced week. Left LA on Sunday (which I really try not to do) for: Boston, Philly (see photo), St Louis, Houston, NY, and back to LA on Friday. I was talking with my friend and author Jason Jennings who was telling me of his rather start travel rituals. Fly, speak, workout, eat poached salmon in his room, repeat. So, this week I'm eating more salmon, scheduling my workouts (even did a 6:00 am bootcamp in Pilly with an old friend I had not seen in a while), but of course still going out and meeting tons of great friends every night. Jason was a good moderating influence - no more red meat - at least not this week.

Warmest- Keith

Soon as I get home, I'll have a bunch of other pics from this trip. Met some awesome people yesterday at Aramark in St Louis. We were all sharing our struggles as a part of increasing our mutual intimacy and strengthening our relationships. Some powerful stories. Not a dry eye in the house. Felt like St. Agatha's in LA. Then onto a financial services company where the focus was much more on relationships for revenue growth, and the audience a little more "white male" but the message of developing real intimate relationships was also clear. Relationships equal success however you define it.

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I recently spoke at the Legal Sales and Service Organization's 2nd annual RainDance.  Check out their blog entry about my talk! 

http://commonscold.typepad.com/commonscold/2005/06/food_groups.html

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Last week my great friend and Yale fraternity brother Joe had me down to Austin (Joe's an attorney there) to speak to a group he put together. Of course, I was thrilled to go. The talk went great. But it was a million times better to hang with Joe's family, especially his new baby! 

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Got an e-mail with that subject line
from a friend when all the talk about Mark Felt ('Deep Throat') and Watergate
exploded last week. I couldn't help but laugh.

But if you take a look at the
article in the Boston Globe last week “How Woodward, ‘Deep Throat’ Forged
Ties", it
really is a fascinating case
study of the development of a very important relationship -- for both people
involved, and for the country. Pay close attention to these four things:

1. People are people -- It's amazing how all people, even
ones in high places, are so eager to share things in common with
others. Think of Bob Woodward's first conversation with Mark Felt next time you're
trying to connect with someone.

2. Finding Mentors – If you simply
display genuine interest in potential mentors and you keep showing up ready to
learn from their experience, they'll usually get used to the idea of mentoring
you.

3. The Genius of
Audacity – What guts it took for Woodward to ask the Washington Post for a job when he was
totally unqualified! And it worked!

4. Build it before
you need it -- The Woodward/DeepThroat case is as good an example as you're
going to find of the power of building those relationships before you need them.

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I was having dinner with the head of Oncology at Eli Lilly and he said something that I thought was quite profound – even the next day after the red wine wore off. 

“We spend our whole lives just learning how to be ourselves.” 

I thought that was great and another way to think about what I really hope our work does at FerrazziGreenlight -- to help people learn how to be better simply by being themselves and to enjoy the personal and professional success they're capable of achieving.

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Finally gathered up some pictures to show you with some notes I made after a great trip a few weeks ago. So here goes.

SUNDAY

What a week.  Took off from LA to NY on Sunday to join my great
friend Dennis Kneale, managing editor of Forbes magazine and his adorable,
bright 4-year-old daughter at their home for a famous Dennis chili-fest (I was
responsible for my perfect no-carb margarita recipe).

MONDAY

(Saw NeverEatAlone in Barnes&Noble window -->)

Up early on Monday for breakfast with the President of
Reed Business’s Media Division (and father of my wonderful godson
Harrison).  Meetings and calls straight till 5 when I went to Cornelia
spa, not for a facial, but for a book signing at one of the most beautiful and
serene meeting rooms on the roof of the Ferragamo Flagship building. My friend
Lisa Hagan, who I talk about in the book as the woman I would "trade"
my network with over a series of dinner parties, was our host.  That
evening friend after friend came through the room – a room with limit of 30
that somehow accommodated more than 200 by night’s end.  The benefits of
writing a book are so multidimensional.  Connecting with old friends has
been one I cherish most.

Then off to a small dinner at shun lee west.  Tight
round tables makes a group of 12 feel intimate.  Chris Anderson, leader of
the TED conference and Mehmet Oz (rumored to be a great future bet for NJ
Governor or Senator) are always wonderful "anchors" at a dinner with
their wit and wisdom.  Running out of my favorite Sancerre didn't even
slow us down. 

TUESDAY

Tuesday was all NY-based client work.  Michael
Darviche, who leads FerrazziGreenlight consulting in NYC, and I dove into
strategic planning during cab rides between several of our marketing consulting
clients.  Michael is really framing a great business. I recently had the
great opportunity, as I mentioned earlier on the blog, to speak with Michael
Porter. If I can look back years from now and see that we created our equivalent
of his "Monitor Consulting," I will be a pleased man. 

We interviewed the new leader of our training and
development company.  Our demand has grown beyond my capacity to manage
the training side of our business.  We've successfully replicated my
ability to go out there and teach what we are doing.  We have several
trainers now on the road executing the FG methodologies (Relationships for Revenue
Growth, for Career Success and for Group Success). I was so proud when I
got a message from a new client praising the training done by John Fiorelli from our New York office. John has been as
associate trainer to me for a while now and this was his first solo gig. So
proud of him and thrilled by our ability to scale the business, albeit
conservatively.

Tuesday night was a speaking engagement at the gay and
lesbian community center to a room packed full of "Out
Professionals." My heart always soars when I speak to groups of proud gay
and lesbian men and women who have reached into themselves and found peace and
courage with and in their lives.

WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY

Wednesday was the first day of a two day offsite with the
controllers group of a major bank.  What a great group and watching their
relationships gel was a real treat.  Michael and JP took over day 2 while
I was keynoting the IBM/Forbes Executive Forum in the AM.  The Forbes
folks have been such
good friends. They insisted that their partners at IBM
bring me in to help create a culture for their conference, one which
facilitates greater relationship-building for mutual success for all in
attendance.  What a huge hit we made!  And what a great group at IBM.
After the talk, the most senior folks admitted their fears over the
"potential softness" of the message for such an analytical
group.  But they were thrilled by the results.  To watch the audience
come alive and engage over the hour of our talk made me so happy. 

FRIDAY, SATURDAY 

Took a train to my dear Yale.

I was chairing the Yale SOM
conference "Yale, Business Leadership, and the Public Interest."
Kicked the event off with a special session of building a real community of
alumni there for the weekend.

It wasn't about the panel content alone,
for sure.  It was about Yalies sharing their dreams with other Yalies and
coming together to make each other more successful.  I was moved.

Of course I didn't pass by the opportunity to hit the
town with the Sigma Chi chapter I founded, or stop by

Mory's, or get my first
run in since the ol' back went out.  Running up Hillhouse Avenue, which Mark Twain called
the most beautiful block in America,
I thought back to all the insecurities I had as an undergrad... Did I really
"deserve" to be at Yale? Did I fit in with all these wealthy kids?...

But chairing that conference, I felt at home and realized that all intimidation
can be overcome if you just focus on the people around you and how you can help
them.

THE NEXT WEEK

Off to Philly for a board meeting of the Equality Forum.
Then to Austin for a keynote, a dinner with one of my best friends from Yale, and a public
event. Then hitting NY, Philly, and finally home to LA.  What a
trip.  Thanks for coming with me.

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At conferences and trainings, we're always trying to get people to have deeper, more meaningful conversations, to let their guard down and share their vulnerabilities and passions -- the stuff that makes us all human! I've heard so many
touching stories recently from people who had the courage to try it. Two examples:

1. A young man has been on his job for 6 months (he's a salesman). He wasn't making his quarter and as a result, his compensation dipped
significantly. It dipped so much, in fact, that he had to sell his house and move his wife and two kids into a
two-bedroom apartment.

2. Another young guy said he has an autistic child, who he loves more
than anything. He told us about how he hates facing the constant challenge of knowing that every hour he
spends playing with that child, he's contributing to the child's development and resisting drifting away to the dark side. But he's always torn between how much time he has for that
and having to work to pay the bills.

That's some rough stuff they're going through. And many people would be too afraid to share those stories. But when you have the guts to share your vulnerabilities, two things happen. Inevitably, it turns out that your conversation partners have very similar vulnerabilities or problems in their lives.  Secondly, they're so empathetic with you that they immediately want to help. They offer contacts or advice or just a pair of sympathetic ears. And instantly, you will have developed a more intimate relationship with your new friend, perhaps even more intimate than ones you have with some old friends.

Don't be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength.

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We were recently doing Relationships for Revenue Growth training for some of the sales force of a large technical company, and throughout the day, we had great discussions about the power of turning business relationships into personal relationships.

For some, making a business relationships personal seems like a daunting task. And for others, it seems like a no-brainer. One participant said:

"I've had a lot of relationships that started out as
professional and transformed into personal. I have no idea how I did it. I have
no idea when they changed. They just did."

I was thrilled to hear this guy was a natural, and I'm so glad he's out there making business personal day in and day out. But even if you're the type of person who has a little difficulty doing this, please don't give up. Try it. Try it again.  

I've done this "networking" or "relationship" stuff forever. I don't even think about
it. It just happens. What we've done with our training to basically say, You don't
have to be a freak like Keith. Let us give you the methodology, some tools,
and some ways in which you can think about stretching yourself a little.

That participant talked about personal relationships developing naturally in his work, but for some
people I know it's a little harder. I just want everyone to push themselves a little
farther each day. You can get better. And whatever progress you make, I think you'll be handsomely rewarded for it.

18 comments // In Never Eat Alone

People are often worried about being put in an
uncomfortable situation in which someone they just met is asking them for a
business referral -- particularly if their new acquaintance is a salesman
asking for a referral to one of their friends who could be a potential client.  

Next time something like that happens to you, don't think
"Oh my gosh, I'm going to be vulnerable now, because I'm risking one of my
relationships by introducing some guy I don't know."

Know that, in reality, you hold all the cards. You don't
ultimately have to make the introduction. It's the responsibility of your new
acquaintance to tell you a darn good reason why you should make the intro. (This is even how LinkedIn's referral system works.) And honestly,
if this new guy has a good reason, I'd be thankful and happy to introduce him
to one of my friends.   

Say, for example, that I met someone who wanted me to
introduce him to Phil Knight when Phil was CEO of Nike. If the new guy had three
great reasons why he could better serve Nike, I'd see it as something good
I could give to Phil.

I'd just say, "Listen, Phil, I met a person the
other day who believes he has stuff that can be beneficial to you. Of course, you
can do whatever you want with it, but I just wanted to pass on the reference." 

Too many people see relationships as pies -- where if you
take a piece, there won't be as much left over. Relationships and networks are more
like muscles. The more you work them, the bigger and stronger they get.  

So the more you give to your friends, sometimes by making
references and introductions, sometimes even to people you just met, the better.

It's really as simple as telling your friend, "I was
thinking about your company the other day. And I wanted to introduce you to
somebody that might be helpful to you." At the end of the day, it's your friend's
responsibility. But don't worry, because they're not going to blindly buy
something with their company's or their personal hard-earned money.

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NeverEatAlone reader Jeff Slobotski said it well in the comments of my last post.

What a great testament to truly taking a genuine interest in people,
rather than just seeing them through a "what can I gain from them"
attitude.

Maybe now's a good time to revisit a quote from one of the masters himself:

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."  - Dale Carnegie

That timeless thought is also one of the core ideas of the new book The Likeability Factor by my buddy Tim Sanders. I just read it and enjoyed it so much that I passed it on to my team.

Get the book or the CD (Tim actually did the reading himself). Or visit Tim's new website at TimSanders.com. He's got some great new content there -- a quiz to determine your L-factor and video of Tim talking about his new book!

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