Women or men — who are better networkers?

Posted on April 12th, 2005 by Keith Ferrazzi

I just sat with a group of amazing
young women at the Wharton School of Business in Philadelphia. I was speaking there and they
reached out to ask if they could take me to lunch before the talk. It was a
tight day, but I just had to reward that kind of outreach. It was also an interesting coincidence, because the day before I had been speaking at the
Forbes Executive Women conference in NYC. Now, I’ve spoken to a lot of women’s
groups and I often joke about the question of who are better networkers – I’ll
spare you the joke, but the point is that perhaps those who are naturally more
giving, nurturing, and intimate are the ones more capable of practicing my style
of relationship building, or “networking.” But, I was floored by the
perspectives of these young business women. They went as far as to say that
among women, the competition is very high and collaboration is hard to find, yet
they felt it was common among their basketball-playing male counterparts. They
had all sorts of ideas as to why this might be true among such amazing and
successful women. While it seemed to fly in the face of what I had heard
elsewhere, I asked them to put a few of their thoughts down on paper and share
them with us in more detail to start the debate. I look forward to posting
their thoughts and hearing yours.

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9 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Without a doubt, my women clients are my best adverstisers. It happens again and again that a woman calls me up and says, "Suzie So-And-So called to let me know you're the person to call about my computer problem..."
    Anyone performing a home-service business would be well advised to seek an entrepot in a densely populated, affluent area. The women in those areas have very active social lives and are well-networked. Women want to know that the person showing up at their home is safe, effectual, prompt and presentable.
    The lesson: make one or two women happy with your services, and you will get more business.

  2. I have heard of this observation before. But I think the relevant distinction is in what's traditionally described as networking -- making and using loose contacts -- vs relationship building that Keith talks about. Men are definitely better at the former, but the later is a bit foreign to men. Even at Wharton, students (men&women) make automatic self-selection into cliques that are tied to some future career objectives, ie, i-banking, consulting or private equity, and completely ignore people who are not interested or not going into those areas. Yet, when a need arises, men are very eager to exploit those weak links, while women may be more reticent. Perhaps it's easier because men may view this as a transactional contact rather than a relationship. While the lack of cooperation for women may be that they view relationships as greater commitment and something to screen carefully, and thus create barriers around it. I'm just speculating on the last point.

  3. Keith-Great job on your site and book. My experience has been that women are great networkers except in the financial arena, and what's working to be financially independent. This is a tough area for men and women but generally, men will share more pearls in between their lies!

  4. As one of those women at lunch who had the pleasure of speaking with Keith, I will expound further.

    I believe that the ability to network is mostly a learned behavior. And while I don’t believe that most women missed the lesson when they were 9 years old and never signed up for Little League, I do believe they missed it when they were 18 or 21 years old and weren’t invited by (or chose not to go with) their fathers and his friends golfing and/or drinking. I didn’t really know how to network and didn’t believe in the power of the network until I came to business school and watched my male colleagues in action. I now see how helping each other (in a business context opposed to a personal context) is almost instinctive to them; men have been exposed to the behavior so much more often than women. My male colleagues are constantly offering their advice, contacts, and resources to each other. My mother and her friends taught me how to nurture my friends and to care about their personal lives, not there professional lives. (To be fair, that may be a function of my family’s socioeconomic background and not my gender). Regardless, I do believe that men as a whole are better networkers than women, but I also believe that women are getting better. And as more women acquire the "instinct" and teach (by example) younger women, I also think we have the potential to be *better* networkers.

    As for the comment regarding women being more competitive, there is definitely a great deal of variability. I have met women who are incredibly collaborative and I have met women who are the polar opposite. I know that I am going to get a lot of flack for this comment, but I suspect women are more often the ones who feel jealous or insecure and it is those feelings that lend to this competitive nature. Again, I think women as a whole are getting better.

  5. As another of the women who attended the lunch, I would like to add a small post-script to our lunch.

    I absolutely agree with Cate that networking is a learned behavior. Women, unfortunately, achieve their early successes on their own merits - by working exceptionally hard and often on their own. Being a leader in the business world is not the norm. To become one - it is often critical to turn your back on the critics (the ones who say - you're pretty, you should get married, why do you work so hard, etc.).

    It is only until we become mentored or reach out to mentor others that we realize that our greatest strength comes through helping others...until we realize that networking and working with others is not a zero sum, but rather a way to make the pie bigger.

    Women need to re-learn that networking and helping others are a critical elements to success. We are not alone here but merely a vehicle for helping all of our friends to be successful.

  6. I agree with Cate about many men learning from their fathers in their late teens/early twenties. My dad did that (unconsiously, and not with golf) with me and it has helped no end. I wouldn't say I am good at networking, but on the other hand all my "free agent" revenue streams have come along that way.

  7. I've put forth before the politically incorrect idea that all prejudice and discrimination is rooted in a *seed* of truth. The fact is that there are genetic differences in men and women, and those differences over the course of history have played a part in the development of our gender roles, which make an even greater difference in men and women than our genetics.

    The fact is that there are, on average, significant differences between adult men and women in terms of listening skills, emotional empathy, and many other things. BUT, this is *on average*, and what we must remember are that:

    1) Individual variations are significantly greater than the variation between genders. When we ask the question, "Are women or men better networkers?" -- WHO CARES? Any individual man or woman is pretty likely to "buck the curve". As practitioners, we deal with individuals, not entire populations, so how does an answer to this question, even if there were one, help us deal with each other as individuals any more effectively?

    2) Many of these differences are based on our learned gender roles far more than our genetics. With a little training and practice, it's easy to "buck the curve". Heck, just reading your book and this blog on a regular basis probably overcomes any slight gender disadvantage anyone might have. :-)

    Regardless of gender, we would all do well to observe which specific skills contribute to better networking, assess our own strengths and weaknesses, fill in our weak spots and exploit our strengths. Some of those may be based on our gender, whether genetically or from the gender role we have acquired over the years, but many more of them are based on other factors -- our intelligence, our personality, our written and verbal communication skills, the way we look, etc.

    Bottom line: the gender differences may be intriguing to a sociologist, but aren't much use to us as individuals trying to become better networkers.

  8. Keith:

    Great book- I am just starting to get into being a "Conference Commando" and not being a "bowling pin" at conferences.

    I feel as if women are relationship oriented and men tend to be transaction oriented. These are general rules, so when men bend the rules and foster relationships...you stand out!

    When making small talk guys generally start with sports. I rarely watch ESPN, so I gravitate towards what they do for fun or work outside their living room. Running marathons is a great example from Keith's book- it builds a commonality.

    If you are a superconnector please reach out to me...I'd like to know some people who know some people (=

    Warm regards,
    James
    VP, Wachovia
    703-801-4178

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