Tip 121 – Get Strong by Getting Vulnerable

Posted on June 6th, 2008 by Keith Ferrazzi

A snippet from this week's Tip - sign up before you miss any more!

"Recently I wrote about how trusted advisors
can â?? should, must! â?? be on hand if you want to achieve your wildest dreams.

But how do you take friends and
relationships that may have so far been superficial â?? â??my workâ??s great, just
great, but more importantly, howâ??s that new skinny latte?â? â?? and turn them into
true compatriots who will not just support you but help you course-correct when
you need it?"

The tip is about exploring vulnerability, and I welcomed readers to discuss it in the comments here.

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15 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Hi Keith,
    I completely relate to this Tip. I have/had been in the mortgage business for more than 15 years and over the course of the last year, started writing a business plan for the launch of a management consulting firm with a long-time friend of mine. We specialize in communications and conflict resolution. The new business was both a succession plan to exit the mortgage business as well as a way to move towards a business I can be passionate about and that I enjoy.
    The real challenge was in the conversion of careers/companies and how I framed my message to my burgeoning network of friends, family, referral contacts and connections. I chose to take the "Vulnerable Highway" all the way and started asking everyone that I know and care about for their help in the launch of this new business. (As a guy who is typically known as the "go-to guy" for his sphere, that can be awfully uncomfortable) but it was also extremely rewarding as well. Almost everyone I have asked for help has gone out of their way to do so, referring me to others, giving me ideas on how and where to market, making phone calls and sending emails on my behalf and endorsing my work and ethics based on their experience of me in the past.
    I had to let go of always being the one that gives the referrals and allow those around me the joy of giving as well. We're starting to get some traction now and I'm getting more and more help every day.
    Thanks for letting me share, I hope it helps someone that reads this to allow themselves to open up and receive as well.

  2. Ross Lenhart says:
    June 6, 2008 at 11:30 am
    Reply

    Right on, Keith. During my long career, I often found that those who put on a strong show of complete and utter confidence were, in reality, perhaps the most insecure of them all. Real confidence in oneself is not fearing the consequences of revealing one's weaknesses openingly and honestly and asking for help. I am so glad that you have thrown open this subject and I have shared this with younger colleagues.

  3. Great insight, Keith. I find it interesting that nobody addresses this aspect of relationships. From my own experience, I have found that my most valuable relationships, both personal and professional, were built on the concept of volunerability. And when you think about it, most relationships seem superficial because they lack the intimacy that develops as a result of showing your vulnerable side. Yes, it can be a leap for a lot of people, but well worth it if you're looking to develop long term and meaningful relationships.
    P.S. Heard you on Oprah and Friends this morning with Dr. Oz... more great insights! I am a big fan of your book and looking forward to reading the new one!

  4. Bridget Laszlo says:
    June 6, 2008 at 12:26 pm
    Reply

    I am in the middle of this process. I am still fairly new to the real estate world, only a year in. I am taking great steps in gaining education and credentials. Iâ??m on the right committees and meeting the right people, just there are some areas that can only be learned through doing Iâ??m not as strong in.
    While talking with a seasoned agent in my office one day about things I have been doing, I expressed how hard it is to get going and I was having a tougher time than I thought I would. She gave me this great pep talk about what a great person I was and she can tell Iâ??m going to do great things. Then she said after being in the business 20+ years she canâ??t keep up. Technology is her weakness and sheâ??s having a hard time. We continued to talk and now she is my mentor and we have moved into an room together and she is letting me ride her coat tails. Sheâ??s teaching me new things everyday for the return of Iâ??m helping her with the tech aspect of things. All just because It all started with just me saying I donâ??t know if Iâ??m cut out for this or not and opening myself up. We just started this arrangement not long ago, but so far itâ??s been great.
    I think this idea of vulnerable is incredibly helpful. We all appreciate when we get to realize the people around us are human also.

  5. Brad, I'm so happy to see your faith community encourages peer-to-peer, makes total sense.

    Richard, great work! Those are exactly the success stories i like to hear. "The Vulnerability Highway" all the way -- no tickets for speeding.

    Ross, that's a great way to lead - they are lucky to have you.

    Marcia, thanks for listening! I am working hard on the new book as we speak.

  6. This is very timely for me. I recently opened up to an acquaintance who has bee successful monetizing a web property. I asked for help in learning how to do this (in my non-competing space) without any expectation of outcome. I was so proud of myself for asking! I did not get a response and I understand that's sometimes going to be the case - but I did ask when I otherwise wouldn't and that's my brag.

    Thank you for the Tip. It made me feel validated.

  7. On another blog this week, I was describing what it was about the Sex and The City character (Carrie Bradshaw) that made her so appealing to me. It was her vulnerability. She was vulnerable and thatâ??s what made her likeable.

  8. Tammy, thanks for sharing that important point with others - reaching out doesn't always work. it's like dating, you have to keep trying until you find a good match.

    Bridget, sounds like you found one!

  9. great pearls of wisdom

  10. You are right about that Kieth, there is something to be said about "appropriately being vulnerable," the way I see it is you have to be selective about who you are vulnerable with, and not only that, you need to be selective with who you share personal information with, even if it's telling them about your work. And I find it to be crucial that you are very selective with who you share hopes and dreams with. This day and age you tell people, especially elders and even other successful people about your dreams, then tend to respond negatively, usually nonverbally, quite frankly it pisses me off, and that's how I'll be vulnerable now. Please take this for what it is, there is great insight into what I'm saying.

  11. With the last two tips you seem to detect my problems and solve it for me and this tip is good although this tip doesn't guarantee nearly 100% success. I had not been as selective as others with who I am vulnerable with. Thanks for the tip.

  12. A one liner that sums this issue up for me is "Strength alienates, weakness endears." Sorry, can't tell you who said it first. But is it ever true.

    When we act like we have it all together- the invulnerable stance- no one can relate to us because they know they don't have it together.

    But when we reveal our imperfections and weaknesses (in ways appropriate to the relationship and context) a bond is formed because we all know that we are at least a little imperfect, messed up, in process. And this knowledge of imperfection gives us common ground.

  13. Wonderful tip. The older I get the more I discover the necessity of honesty in communication, which stems from vulnerability. Thank you.

  14. Keith,

    In my personal life I have thoroughly strived for transparency and vulnerability but I seemed to always keep myself somewhat hidden professionally. I am currently going through some changes in my career and while some may see these changes as failure I'm choosing to use this as an opportunity for growth. Through this difficult process I have finally chosen to open myself to my team as well as to others positions above me. I have found nothing but allies and had I been willing to be vulnerable sooner I may have found myself excelling in my position.

    Thank you for sharing of yourself and the lessons you have learned along the way.

  15. Great Tip Keith. I think people need to show this side of them much more and bring it down to a human level. Everyone in back of their minds know why they are at the event, dinner, etc. But a real connection is made by being vulnerable! Have a good one!

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