Help Me Keith: My Feedback Makes People Defensive!

Posted on April 5th, 2011 by Keith Ferrazzi

Check out this "Ask Keith" video from Relationship Masters Academy: "How can I give feedback without people getting defensive?"

Share your own tips on how to give better feedback.

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14 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. What a great tidbit. I have found this very same thing when being "passionate" about my feedback or response, it can come off as aggressive and deliver the wrong tone and intention. I never thought of considering it as a gift and pre-cursor it with a simple and endearing commitment to the gift.

    Great Feedback:)

  2. Alison Hartley says:
    April 5, 2011 at 8:42 am
    Reply

    Agree with what Keith says, and I find keeping the 'see, hear, feel' rules in mind useful - only give feedback on the behaviours you see and hear, and how you feel as a result. That makes it owned and objective, and avoids making assumptions about the other person's motivations or personality

  3. Love it, Keith. Reframing feedback into being a gift makes it so much easier to give and receive it. Thank you for this gift!

  4. I love these ideas, especially asking permission and setting it up properly before putting feedback data out there. There may be a time when the recipient is, for whatever reason, not in a position to be able to hear feedback at all, despite it's intentions, and giving them the option to "opt out," by asking first, seems very respectul to me.

  5. Oh man this video is so powerful! I'd never thought about giving feedback this way! The "sandwich" approach -- positive points, suggestion for improvement, positive summary -- is still a valid approach but it becomes so much easier to give and receive if you tell the person in advance that it's a gift and that they can do whatever they want with it.

    Personally I feel challenged when giving feedback especially to newer staff who's not used to candor in the workplace. Next time I see an opportunity, I will use the "It's-just-a-gift" approach :-)

    Thanks Keith!

  6. Another tip I've found useful when giving feedback is to share your experience vs. telling people what they are doing. Rather than saying, "you're doing X and it's an issue/or I’d like that to change"...you can say “here’s what I’m seeing and here’s how it hits me personally. People often get upset when you tell them what they are doing, especially when they don’t agree with your view. But sharing your experience is about how it is for you. You’re just sharing your experience, which tends to land more like a contribution than an accusation.

  7. Nice! What a great perspective for giving and receiving feedback. If we can take feedback in, just as we would other information, and use it for our own growth, that's like getting rocket fuel for our development; specifics about ourselves, not just generalities. So -- we get more skilled at personal relationships and honesty in practicing this simple act. Thanks!

  8. Joe Rabick says:
    April 5, 2011 at 7:18 pm
    Reply

    Keith, this is a wonderful perspective on the way to give feedback to individuals. I never thought of framing my feedback in such a way. Too many times, I have come across abrasive instead of understanding of compassionate. Thanks for sharing. :)

  9. Kathy Valade says:
    April 5, 2011 at 8:56 pm
    Reply

    Keith,

    How true! We learn from failure and feedback is essential to continuous improvement and knowing if you are "on track". Thanks for phrasing feedback as a gift and detaching it from the individual. I will certainly keep this in mind the next time I give or receive it!

  10. Keith,

    Thank you for your valued insight. I agree that this is an important topic.

    "Feedback is a gift," is a great perspective--a great shift for most.

    I fully agree and practice the opening question, "Are you open to a little feedback here?"

    That too is critical. But to this I'd add that feedback is as valued and truly meaningful as the person giving it is to us. Meaning that it's more relevant when we've established a relationship, trust and knowing with this person, on either side.

    And part of this knowing is having the established awareness that my perspective of you is colored, quite totally, by me and my perspective. So, I am giving you MY stuff... not yours.

    That's a critical point of clarity. Hence the use of Guestault language and style in many situations.

    That's all I've got for the moment,

    Thanks,
    Shawn

  11. Keith,
    Giving feedback is a true test of one’s own diplomacy, sensitivity and understanding of human behaviour. It’s pretty obvious that no-one likes to be criticized, no matter what they say to you before you tell them what was wrong with what they did or delivered.
    It’s usually a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t...so, be tactful and perhaps ask the receiver how they would deliver the information to you if the roles were reversed...this way it will be less likely to re offensive and the job get’s done without you being the bad guy.
    Gifts are great but not everyone sees it that way....it never ceases to amaze me how many people will make it very difficult or uncomfortable for you to help them. 
    Gordon

  12. Great advice! I used it yesterday and the responce from the listener was fantastic. Not only was I able to point out a better direction but it was welcomed as sincere. That's the key! If I trust you - I will follow you anywhere. On the other hand - we should not forget that when the direction is good - we affirm the decision as good.

    Gary

  13. Thanks sooooo very much for this reminder Keith. I'd never really heard the "feedback as a gift" part and that gave me a fresh perspective.

    I completely agree with the permission part. And your reminder keeps that top of mind.

    In gratitude and a fan since "Never Eat Alone"
    Thomas Mangum

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