Are Some People too Sensitive for Feedback?

Posted on August 4th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

A recent Who’s Got Your Back reader’s comment about candid feedback:

Most of your readership will flourish if they implement what you say, but I think there are some people who won’t be able to handle exposing themselves to such open feed-back:  those feelers (vs. thinkers) might not take the feedback as criticism, and therefore, recoil in the process.  Straight-forward thinkers enjoy direct, non-rosy feed-back, and that is how we give it.  For feelers, if you were to be direct with them, it might mortally wound them.

My response:

EVERYONE can benefit from feedback – even, in fact especially, the ones who have trouble understanding that caring criticism is a gift, not a personal attack. Part of your job as a lifeline relationship is to help them rip off their blinders (or sometimes, to slowly, gingerly remove them) – because without the rich, rewarding perspective of the feedback loop, they’re holding themselves back from their greatest success.

When dealing with “feelers” the key is in the care. Make sure you do everything necessary to create the “safe space” I talk about in Who’s Got Your Back. Your relationship needs to be strongly grounded in generosity and vulnerability before you get to candor. When it comes to giving feedback, pave the way with sensitive types by:

1)    Giving them a chance to give you candid feedback first – they’ll see you survive and thrive and it’ll warm them up to the process.

2)    Preceding the caring criticism with reminders that you care about them and respect them, and whatever you say is in service of those feelings.

3)    Work incrementally – start with something small, and let them a) see some friendly feedback isn’t going to kill them, and b) taste the success of acting on your feedback.

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6 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. In other words, it takes SKILL to deliver feedback in a helpful way, and it is best tailored to the recipient while being mindful of the entire relationship. Is there perhaps a touch of a derogatory attitude in characterizing "feelers" vs. "straight-forward thinkers", the category which the commentor claims for him- or herself? We can all benefit from feedback on our feedback. If it doesn't go well, we can blame the recipient, or we can acknowledge that it's harder than it looks to do it well ...

    We all have blind spots. When we take on the role of giver-of-feedback there are temptations to be superior and other ordinary human failings. It's important that both parties in the feedback loop be equally open and vulnerable. I think this attitude is woven throughout KF's book.

    I don't exclude myself from this in offering this feedback .... :-)

  2. As a "feeler" let me offer this feedback. I see two major hurdles to mastering the skill of giving good feedback to anyone--not just sensitive types.
    First, many people have a built in prejudice against "feelers" and think that we are somehow intellectually inferior. Believe me we are not, but we do have the super tuned-in feeling radar to know that's what some of the "thinker" types believe. So to give good feedback, leave your preconceptions at the door.
    Second, there is a difference between constructive criticism and being critical. As the previous comment suggests, giving good feedback is a skill that must be learned. Many people who see themselves as "straight shooters" are in fact simply rude and boorish and lacking in the emotional intelligence to realize their own mistakes.
    Ideally a work group has people of both types who appreciate the complementary skills of their colleagues. Such a group should be able to develop the trust and respect needed to make good feedback possible.

  3. From Karen's comment: "Many people who see themselves as “straight shooters” are in fact simply rude and boorish and lacking in the emotional intelligence to realize their own mistakes.:

    So true!!

  4. Straight-forward thinkers vs. Feelers = a false comparison and false dichotomy. They need not be pitted against each other. One can be both. One can be neither. A Straight-forward thinker in the midst of his/her counterparts may be a Feeler in the presence of the CEO. It is character, consistency, respect, humility, and concern that wins the day.

  5. Un blog muy interesante, me ha gustado mucho. Te sigo habitualmente

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