A Guide to Workplace Combat – Fight Your Way to a Faster Promotion

Posted on August 12th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

A ''no'' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ''yes'' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
– Mahatma Gandhi

rocky_red_boxing-glovesWant to impress your boss? Then you need to learn how to fight – actually, how to spar.

Sparring, according to the ever-useful, ever-evolving website Wikipedia, is defined as “free-form fighting with enough rules, customs, and agreements to make injuries unlikely.” The goal is for both parties to improve their skill, not to determine a winner.

My version of sparring operates on a central principle: Candor. I’m talking about honest, real-time feedback delivered both when you want to hear it, and when you don’t. Candid sparring is the key to your next big raise. Here’s why:

• Innovation: When candid exchanges between people collide, the fusion generates entirely new insights, new ideas, and new approaches.
• Reduced risk aversion: Candid sparring gives us the ability to take risks, preparing us to solve problems collaboratively
• A friendly push: Sparring can inject a note of urgency into your efforts to grow and improve.
• Candor done right creates a more caring and connected work environment, so you can move past productivity-sucking office politics and back stabbing.

Ground Rules for Sparring

Sparring can be dangerous. Total candor, even when delivered with a shared feeling of care and respect, can push people’s buttons. Given that, it’s important to establish some ground rules. Here are mine:

1. Safety First
It’s your job to create a safe environment for candor. That means building trust in the relationship through generosity and vulnerability. When there’s trust and intimacy, both parties feel comfortable to speak freely, listen, and be flexible and creative – not stubborn and closed-minded – when it comes to new ideas.

2. It’s Only Data.
Sparring partners should agree that the recipient of candid feedback owns the input, the execution, and the outcomes. The feedback is only data - he decides how and when to act on it.

3. The Socratic Method 101
Socrates helped students refine or refute ideas by asking questions – you should too. This forces the person to recognize weaknesses in his or her argument without getting defensive – it walks them through the thought process that exposes the flaws. This can result in new insights coming fast and furious, and helps avoid ego-attacks.

Socrates may have been born in 459 B.C., but his methods still work today.

4. Don’t Pull Any Punches
Sparring can get heated, even aggressive, because sometimes someone needs to make sure their point is genuinely heard. But participants need to make it clear they’re getting angry not because of a difference in opinion but because an important point is being ignored.

5. Leave Ample Time for Thoughtful Listening

Use Active Listening. This involves not just listening but repeating back what the person across from you has just said, in an attempt to clarify any confusion as well as to confirm that you actually heard what your partner just said. I don’t know about you, but any of us who’s been in a relationship knows that 99 percent of all problems between ourselves and our partners usually boil down to issues of communication. Active listening seeks to minimize the confusion and turmoil that comes as a result of simple communication.

Get In a Warm-Up
Before you tape up your fisticuffs in the office, you may want to practice on some of your friends. Get used to the idea of open, candid conversation – and get used to not becoming defensive when people give you feedback. Once you can do this with a few of your friends, then take it to your coworkers. Introduce them to the idea of sparring first (you can even share this post) so that everyone’s on the same page. Otherwise you might really get a black eye!

This technique is definitely more risky than staring blankly while watching a coworker meander down the same blind alley – for the third time – but if you do it well you’ll leapfrog years of experience by producing unmatched results.

Interested in reading more about candor at work? Check out this HBR article, "What A Culture of Candor Really Takes."

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21 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. It all makes sense, except the Socratic Thinking 101. I learned the method in law school, where the inquiries were not gentle and there was no time to learn to not be defensive about the attack!! If course, no basis of trust was put in place either.

    Good article.

  2. Candor...candor...candor! If you can't be honest and candid within a relational setting whether it be professional or personal, you will never get real feedback on how people perceive you. It's one thing to think and believe you are the greatest. It's another for everyone around to think and believe the same.

  3. Great piece Keith!

    I agree completely with all your points. I know at Ferrazzi Greenlight you do business consulting for some amazing clients and organizations. In my role at our agency I am involved with putting together marketing plans for our clients. We work both in the on and offline space. I have worked at two agencies with one of my closest friends and one of my lifeline group members. His name is Chris Dykstra. The reason that I bring this up is because when we bring in new members to work with us on one of our consulting teams, we actually have to warn them that it might look like we hate each other and its going to look like we are battling it out to the death. Chris and I both have built up trust and vulnerability with each other to a level that allows us to Spar on almost a gladiator level. We both know that we have the same goal (Get the best results for our clients) on every project we work on, and we have won more awards and developed more solid plans together going through this process than either one of us alone.

    If you can build up the levels of trust, vulnerability and are able to listen and digest what the other person is saying in the work environment, Sparring can have amazing results for your organization and the people you work with.

  4. llcooltricia says:
    August 12, 2009 at 6:45 am
    Reply

    Ketih,
    Another benefit of sparring: Confidence. Sparring with mutual trust and respect builds your confidence which is always key to getting that next promotion.

  5. Brilliant, as usual. Open and on-going feedback is essential to moving a business forward.

  6. Gosh - this so struck a cord with me. I hate conflict, but I have to ask myself why? When I think about it, conflict in a professional setting has always produced a better solution for all. Great post!

  7. Dr. Leon Grant says:
    August 12, 2009 at 8:05 am
    Reply

    There is an innovative process that relies on "metta"
    no harm being done and when engaged in "skill refinement"
    there is no shame, blame, nor guilt utilized. Skillful
    candor is best delivered via good questions and ofcourse not on the end of a sledgehammer, as some may do "just telling the truth".
    Sparring, I like it. Thanks.

  8. Great post Keith! Just listened to WGYB on audiobook on sparring. Great to see the key points in writing.

    This is fantastic because most people think it's best to not rock the boat. Holding back the truth and not having a safe environment to hold it in is a surefire way to achieve mediocrity.

  9. It would be wonderful to have that privilege in the workplace. It is difficult for everyone when there is so much emotional weight from the burden of unexpressed feelings and concerns that it even begins to manifest itself physically. How much better would people be able to function in every aspect of their lives if the air was clear and the spirit light?

  10. Many times, simply opening up the subject for conversation exposes the fact that everyone needs to talk about it. Whatever it is. Your comments here just add to the success of such an event in the workplace. Asking questions, being frank, establishing trust...Love it.

  11. @Kent - great case study! Glad to hear you living this everyday. Good to see you around, bud.

    @Caroline - Conflict is necessary for innovation. Try establishing "rules" for the meeting that create a safe environment where people can feel comfortable being candid. Just jumping into it without any warning can be dangerous!

    @Dr. Leon - GREAT point about asking questions. Questions are indeed a great way to lead the other person to a realization that they would normally get defensive about if you just tried to pound it in their head. Helping people recognize things themselves is much more powerful than "telling them what to do"

    @Eiji It's the BS office politics that keep people repressed and afraid to "rock the boat". Take charge and have a candid discussion with your team about performing at the highest possible level. Introduce these concepts and see where it leads you!

    @llcooltricia - how true! Confidence is key. See our post on "Becoming a VIP in Minutes" for more notes on confidence

    @Judith - you can! it's up to you to make it happen.

    @Sandi - thanks :)

  12. Dear Bloggers

    I have often read about candor and open communication in the workplace, but I too often find myself among individuals with whom I can't imagine this working. I have been in work situations in which people behave very childishly, making false accusations, with seemingless absolutely NOT interested in candor - unless it is them speaking. And this is often the managers I am speaking of. Some managers don't care what is true, they just want what they want, and attempts at candor are likely to backfire.

    I believe in candor, but it can only work in a background of reason and personal maturity, something often lacking in some "professional" settings.

    Any suggestions welcome.

    Best,
    Elle

  13. Paul Darwish says:
    August 12, 2009 at 12:58 pm
    Reply

    "...any of us who’s been in a relationship knows that 99 percent of all problems between ourselves and our partners usually boil down to issues of communication." This is one of the great myths that is repeated over and over by relationship experts, and usually only adds to the frustration (and feeling of ineptness, at times) by those engaged in relationship. As someone has been happily (though certainly not perfectly) married for 18 years, my experience is that often times problems arise as a result of "different ways of seeing," or even "an honest difference in values" -- not just poor communication. As an Interfaith Minister who has studied the world's great wisdom traditions, I have seen this dynamic play out in the very personal arena of religion. Truth-be-told, real "Inter"-faith is very rare indeed, as what is often considered Interfaith is little more than a superficial "I'll show you mine, and you show me yours" communication. True love, expressed in enduring relationships, is eventually about "allowing the other to wholly other"... for wherever there is an attempt to "change" the other, trouble (and often "violence") is likely to follow. Perhapst hat's why Ghandi's most enduring quote is "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Having said all that, I have great respect for the work you are doing in bringing the importance of relationships to the world of business, Keith. I just thought I'd add my two cents...

  14. Candor and conflict are all very well, but in an office environment that is run by politics, it would more likely be reflected back and the person who desires to have all viewpoints brought to the table, instead of one, is instead labeled as "confrontational" and "challenging" - labels which are viewed negatively.

    How does one work in that environment, where personality is used as an excuse for bad performance reviews, and gossip perpetuates throughout the department, encouraged by the one who is supposed to lead us? Where being a "yes" person is more important than producing good work output?

  15. I feel for Elle above and understand where she is coming from. Many times I find that being candid and bringing up and issue we "all agree" needs discussion results in some very nasty backlash. Sometimes people already know on some level what's wrong and they simply have no interest in fixing it or changing it. A system with built in flaws and redundancy (a problem to me) might mean job security to someone else. Recently on a conference call with a group of professionals, several of us reported getting a verbal dressing down once or more in our careers for pointing out problems, working beyond our assigned duties and in general making others "look bad" by trying to excel. Candor and sparing are great...if you are in a healthy environment to begin with, but when working with the childish or insecure...this could be career suicide.

  16. I love working in an environment where it is safe to "spar." To me that is the very definition of a team. Micromangement is the antithesis of team. Without 1 and 2, sparing just can't happen. It is not a safe environment for candor and people lose ownership of input, execution, and outcomes. Loss of ownership also devalues the person and kills motivation. Any ideas of how to create an environment when it is your job at risk?

  17. I agree with Mary. I work for the government. The last thing your boss wants to hear is your knowledgeable opinion. He or She only wants obedience. Even if later they find out that what you said was right on the money. And if that happens they are even more angry. The people in the gov office that are promoted and get all the travel are the a%% kissers. My recommendations....years later that were then laughted at are now coming true. My reward is young kids are promoted around me and I am ridiculed at meetings when ever possible. Kiss up is how it works in the real world. I am stuck here since the retirement package is non-transferable. But why leave... I had the same problem at Union Carbide. If you were not an engineer.. They refused to listen to you. So now there plants and shut down. I warned them...those smart a## engineers. Not sure what companies his rules work at but none that I have worked for and certainly NOT the government. Run by retired military and lawyers. Sorry but I will not purchase your book. I do not like reading fairy tales.
    With Great Respect,
    Eric

  18. I don't disagree - but there are great alternatives to sparring. Sparring is a warrior way to provide support, not a villager way. Best to be sure you know which one you're sparring with first.

    This book really helped me understand the differences in mindset and approaches to the workplace between the two.

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000ZJKXIU/ref=cm_li_v_cr_self?tag=linkedin-20

  19. I'm going to get that book.

    Couple things. First, I'd emphasize that sparring is not truly a warrior mindset - the idea is that two respectful, intelligent parties learn from each other. Candor is absolute - but so is patience and care.

    As for tough workplaces: I've seen these principles work in some of the most competitive, even hostile work environments. Strong leadership is doubtless a huge help; ultimately a necessity to reform an entire culture. But it can start from the bottom. Even in a place where the leadership is lacking, creating a tight relationship with just one other employee can have a tremendous effect on performance and engagement - Gallup's studies across many industries bear this out.

    Eric's comments about govt are disheartening - if we don't have innovation, candor and accountability there we're really in trouble. Any one out there who's had a different experience in a government setting? I'd like to find a public organization that's doing it right.

  20. I certainly sympathize with those unwilling to accept this advice because they are trapped in a hostile working environment in which obedience is expected or required. In fact, there are some job descriptions in which questioning and speculation are uncalled for and inappropriate. Nevertheless, to defend the author's point of view, this is an issue of pragmatics. I have worked for people that in fact rewarded "yes men" and belittled, outcast, and fired, people that brought up sensible and reasonable questions. However, there are other positions (those that call to produce results) in which questioning is absolutely necessary. I have just transitioned into a job in which my creativity is valued and my questioning is expected. It is a job in which coming up with predictable, tried-and-tested, unoriginal approaches, is viewed with disdain. Bottom line, scientific discovery and innovation are not possible without questioning. If you are in a position that does not welcome your candid questions and you have a choice, I encourage you to find something better. Still, I appreciate that you have brought up the point that this type of questioning is not welcome in all work environments. I would ultimately go back to the quote by Mahatma Gandhi (at the beginning of this text) and try to associate it to a specific context: A ”no” uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ”yes” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble: "No, I will not go fishing because there is a hurricane in the Atlantic, I don't care if the captain fires me!" I can tell you stories of people I know that avoided greater trouble -even saved their life or someone else's life- because they said no. Probably as many stories as your stories of "yes men" that were promoted.

    It is a matter of context and pragmatics.

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