Stop Avoiding Conflict

Posted on May 19th, 2011 by Keith Ferrazzi

I met Caroline Donahue, a writer, blogger, photographer, and coach, at a keynote I did recently in Los Angeles. She has her own coaching practice, Remabulous Coaching, and has written for Conscious Bookkeeping, Web Marketing Therapy, and was Social Media Director for Book Soup. She can be found at her own site carolinedonahue.com. Her post here today is on one of my favorite topic’s: Overcoming conflict avoidance. -KF

You’re Not Being the “Bigger Person” by Letting It Go – Here’s Why
Caroline Donahue

How may times have you backed away slowly – or outright ran – from a potential conflict at work because you thought you were doing the other person a favor? Meanwhile, you’re a little tenser, a little less eager to connect with this colleague, or even this boss. But it’s the best thing to do, isn’t it? You know relationships at work are important and you need to avoid awkward conversations to keep them healthy, right?

Wrong. Despite the fact that most people think that letting something slide is the decent thing to do, it’s ultimately damaging to the relationship.

The Research

John Gottman, PhD is an expert in relationships. He can predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail with 90% accuracy, just by observing the two partners interact.  During his time as Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, he has even extended this range to 81% over 7 to 9 years of marriage.

What makes the difference for long-term success in a relationship? Gottman has broken interactions people have into three types: turning toward, turning against, and turning away.

What does this mean? Turning toward, you collaborate and connect. Turning against, you argue or snap at each other. Turning away, you simply ignore the problem… or each other.

Most of us conduct our working relationships trying to turn towards each other. This is easy when everyone is getting along. But what do you do when you don’t agree or you’re unsettled by something going on with a co-worker or superior? Just look the other way and hope it passes?

Gottman found that, contrary to what me might think, conflict was not what resulted in the ending of a relationship. Turning away was far more damaging and the main predictor of a relationship that would end in divorce.  As Gottman learned : fight can keep you from flight!

Why is this? Because people are more likely to stay in a relationship and continue to build it when there is consistent interaction, even if that interaction is negative.

Every time you avoid bringing up a concern with someone at work, you are missing an opportunity to build the relationship. It is better to share your thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree, and even if you have something challenging to say, than to say nothing at all. Because the last thing you want is to suffer the equivalent of a colleague divorce at work.

ACTION TO TAKE NOW

If this is new territory for you, here are some safe ways to explore it:

  1. Try smaller situations first. Just because turning against is less likely to end your working relationship with someone than ignoring them, it doesn’t mean it’s the ideal choice. Think about ways you could make the conversation a win-win, rather than a conflict at all.
  2. Be aware of who you’re talking to. If you’re confronting a superior it’s possible to give the benefit of the doubt and make your position a little softer than you might with a colleague.
  3. Keep practicing and remember, engaging is always better than avoidance and you’ll soon reap the rewards of rock solid communication.

How have you resolved conflict with a colleague?

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2 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. people are difficult because they get away with it. Stop the madness! Great post

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