Guest Blog: Three Smart Tips to Defuse a Conflict Before it Explodes

Posted on July 26th, 2011 by Keith Ferrazzi

This guest blog comes from business strategist and keynote speaker Lisa Earle McLeod. Her latest book, The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large & Small, was named a Washington Post Top Five Book For Leaders. Visit Lisa at www.TriangleofTruth.com.-KF

Lisa's Three Tips:

Nobody likes conflict. The problem is, avoiding conflict doesn’t reduce tension, instead it often escalates it.

Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it?  They ooze resentment. Avoiding conflict actually ruins our professional relationships. Issues become bigger. Trust evaporates. The postmortem on any business failure almost always reveals critical information went unaddressed because somebody was afraid to discuss it.

Here are 3 tips for resolving conflicts without coming to blows:

1.  Beware of false assumptions.

Just because someone says they want a particular thing doesn’t mean that you truly understand their goals.   My client Judi Bruce at Deloitte describes it this way:  “It’s like the classic orange story.” Two people are fighting over an orange.  They both want the whole thing.  But when asked why they want the whole orange one replies, “I need all the juice to make my cake.”  The other replies, “I need all the zest from the peel to make my frosting.

What seems to be a conflict; might not be a conflict at all.  Neutral questions like, “Tell me a bit more about how you envision this” often reveal an easy win/win.

2. Don't mistake enthusiasm for rigidity.

Just because someone is excited about their plan, doesn't mean they're not open to other options.

Confronting a dominant personality doesn’t have to be combative.  Simply ask: Are you open for feedback on this?  If they say yes, start off saying, “I tend to think of these things from a different perspective.”  It keeps the conversation neutral. You’re not attacking their point of view; you’re just sharing yours.

High-energy people move quickly and enthusiastically.   They might wind up embracing your plan with the same zeal they do their own.

3.  Be open to alternative outcomes.

The biggest reason people avoid conflict is because they don’t see a clear way to bring up an issue and resolve it peacefully.   They assume it’s going to be an argument, and they'll lose. But disagreements don’t mean death; they’re just disagreements.  When you work and live with other humans, there's always going to be conflict.  It doesn’t have to be contentious or ugly.

Stay confident that you'll ultimately find a solution and you'll keep yourself more open. It’s ironic, when you accept conflict as an inevitable part of relationships; you wind up with less of it and find it quicker to resolve.

Handling a conflict isn’t the worst thing in the world.  But letting one go unresolved can cause you big problems.

What strategies have you used to defuse a heated situation?

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12 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. As a cynical boss of mine liked to ask in meetings when conflicts arose "Why get the facts when can have much more fun sitting here arguing."

  2. I teach people to Spiral Impact a conflict. Which in a nutshell means:
    First, recognize there is tension, then
    spiral by becoming the calm eye of the storm,
    turn your statements into questions or acknowledgements,
    clarify your intention,
    ask for support.

    Works like magic!

    I find the visual and kinesthic aspects help people tremendously in dealing with conflict.

  3. I often find the best first step is to ask the other party to help you fully understand his/her point of view.

    By showing that you are interested in understanding his/her perspective before sharing your own, often helps to diffuse the conflict, and open the topic for discussion.

    Remember, conflict itself isn't a bad thing, in fact it often helps us challenge the status quo and create opportunities for improvement. What can be bad, at times, is the way we choose to deal with conflict.

  4. Much needed advice. Thank you. Being a small woman who is typically friendly and approachable, my candor and confident tone can seem out of place and appear combative when not in agreement with my male counterparts' opinions. I often explain to colleagues that just because I disagree, it does not mean I'm at odds with them.

    meg @ myprettypinkponies.com

  5. Peoriamain says:
    July 26, 2011 at 8:14 am
    Reply

    Sometimes in conflict what I do is repeat to the angry person why they say they are disturbed. Repeating back to them what they are telling me not only tells them Im listening to what they have to say, it confirms that I understand why they are upset. Then I apologize for whatever I did to give them the wrong impression, or make them feel offended before I state my opinion. Usually this calms the conflict down into a discussion.

    • @ Peoriamain: good pointer.

      It helps me when I allow distance and/or time before getting into a conversation with another whose position on a topic i(mportant to me/them) sees things another way. A lot of times it's difficult to truly understand one another when the message is convoluted with small or large "jabs" (personal attacks); it encourages defensiveness and I doubt the person who feels slighted would be willing to hear the other's POV.

  6. The greatest phrase I learned from getting a Master's Degree in Leadership was "conflict management." Some conflict is not about resolution but behaving respectfully and acting maturely throughout the process. Another great book, Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott.

  7. "A soft word turneth away wrath" has worked mightily for me. Even in tense awkward situations, helpful information delivered in soft words has diffused potential bombs. I took a baseball bat away from a kid smashing a stage front; i don't recall what i said, it was I believe the soft tone of voice that did it. Then away I walked softly, carrying a big stick which I hid around the corner just in case.

  8. Stay focused on your objectives.

    As a business turnaround and restructuring advisor, I am constantly negotiating with all kinds of people, often in hostile and combative situations (people tend to get very angry when they're losing money). I have found that if I stay focused on my objectives and those of the people that I represent, I avoid being drawn into the emotional rollercoaster that the other party might be experiencing.

    Staying focused on my objectives allows me to look past their anger and either deflect it or find a way to use it to my advantage. This prevents me from emotionally reacting to the other person and having an ugly confrontation.

    While this works well in business, it can also work well in personal situations. It’s probably one reasons why I’ve managed to stay married to the same person for nearly 25 years (please don’t let my wife see this!)

    • Thank you for adding this, Carter! I've taken notes and can't wait to use it in a conflict I know is inevitable!

  9. I often start by saying "I might be wrong", even If I know/think I'm 100 % right. This shows the other person that I'm willing to compromize and I'm not attacking them. Often they will calm down and be more open to my suggestions.

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