Conflict Resolution through Common Ground

Posted on March 11th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Hope you enjoy this guest blog from the great Bob Dickman, co-author of The Elements of Persuasion.

Conflict through Common Ground
By Bob Dickman

What do you do when your boss asks you to lead a meeting filled with angry distrustful people and you feel like you’re going to be pushed out of a plane without your parachute?

Here's a story. When I was in Boston at a Pegasus Systems Thinking conference I met Maggie Herzig, of the Public Conversations Project. Maggie is a transformational leader, who, with her team, came up with a powerful strategy to dissolve prejudice and build bridges. She was asked to work with anti and pro abortionists with the goal of lowering the hostility and animosity in her community. She had them meet over lunch or dinner in small groups. The topic for discussion was “What keeps you up at night worrying about your kid’s future?” Participants didn't know who was pro- or anti-abortion. They weren’t allowed to mention anything to do with their positions on abortion. After six weeks of weekly meetings, they had found so much in common that they were now able to discuss the hot topic of abortion without demonizing each other. They still disagreed, but they didn't hate.

If pro- and anti-abortionists can discover their common humanity and learn to cooperate then there's hope for the rest of us. In tough situations, remember to stay grounded and look for the deeper human issues that connect all of us.

Here's some specific suggestions for dealing with that difficult meeting:

1.    Take three slow breaths and say to yourself “relax” each time you exhale. This will slow the release of adrenaline in your blood stream. Large release of adrenaline makes you want to fight or run away or both. And it stops the brain from thinking creatively

2.    Frame this as an opportunity rather than a suicide mission.  Re-framing will help you focus on positive outcomes for the entire team; rather than your fear of failure

3.    Seek common ground: It's an easy trap to focus on what separates people. Usually it's a set of ingrained beliefs and opinions. Dig deeper and find what human concerns are shared and can bring people together.

Bob Dickman is an executive coach and author,  who holds up a mirror to his clients who have the courage to look at themselves and improve their cutting edge.

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2 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Great strategies. I agree that re-framing can be a powerful tactic. In any situation, whether good or bad (i.e. "handling a room full of distrustful people"), it's important to step back and think for a moment, understand part of the "why" the room is feeling this way, and figure out how you can work with the group to overcome it.

    If you give in to negativity in the room, thus becoming a part of it, then you're just another angry person in the room. If you lead them to contentment or happiness, then you're a hero.

    Sounds like a cheesy parable, but you get the idea.

    Great read...

  2. Ariana Gumbs says:
    March 19, 2010 at 8:20 am
    Reply

    I loved this! Its so important to remember to hold a mirror up to yourself. Using these strategies (focusing on things in common, seeing the situation as an opportunity and not a suicide mission) would be helpful in any interaction.

    Thanks for reminding us the things we can do to take ownership and make any situation a successful interaction.

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