A Magic Weapon to Turn Others on to Your POV?

Posted on April 20th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Point of View Gun

Can you imagine a device that, when used on someone, would cause them to see things from your point of view? I’m betting every one of you reading this email would buy it.

Unfortunately, as of now such a device only exists in the movie The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where it’s called the Point of View Gun and was designed to stop wives from ending every argument with their husbands, "You just don't get it, do you?" (Personally, I'm guessing just as many wives could use it, but I didn't write the book.)

We all have a long list of people at work at whom we’d love to fire the Point of View Gun. And yet, as the writer and empathy expert Roman Krznaric points out, there are equally likely many others who would wish to fire this gun at you.

Why does this matter? Because the ability to empathize is a common characteristic of individuals who are successful as business leaders, professionals, parents, or spouses. Empathic people are good at seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. That skill makes them magnetic, because it helps them build trust and be better communicators – they don’t talk “at” people, they adapt their message with care and consideration for their audience. And because they’re able to step outside their own agenda, they are also likely to see the big picture more easily, and then get others to see it (and act on it) as well. Which is why it’s no surprise that empathy isn’t just an interest of mine and Krznaric’s, but is in fact now the focus and fascination of many business gurus.

Notice I said empathy was a SKILL – not an inborn trait. Yes, you can learn how to be more empathetic. Here’s a mission we adapted from Krznaric to get you started:

1. Identify someone you work with whom you have failed to empathize with in the past – this might be the guy you wrote off early on as a “jerk.”

2. NOW: Make an effort to do something about it! Get them in a one-on-one environment with a phone call or by taking them out for a coffee or meal. Do your best to listen and understand where they are coming from. Try to get inside their skin and grasp all the nuances of their thoughts and emotions.

You might find that there’s more humanity to your annoying colleague or heartless boss than you thought. And when you find that out, when you really believe it, suddenly you’ll find that not only are they infinitely more enjoyable to work with, but how effective you are together will jump ten-fold.

Has empathy ever helped to ease a strained relationship in your life?

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20 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. This works because it puts the burden on YOU and the attention on THEM - we are at our best when our focus is outward, and our desire is to put the other person first. It goes against our rather selfish human nature. :-)

  2. My experience lines right up with this. It even helped with my "Ex" when I listened to how he felt. I didn't always agree, but I could "see" how he felt that way and that perspective helped. In business I tell stories and listen to those of my colleagues as our rich experiences can really help each other if we are open to share them. As a recruiting consultant I have had the priviledge of speaking with thousands of people in my career and find common ground with them all by using this practice. I feel blessed to have Keith who so eloquently puts these things in words and shares them.

  3. Cindy Forman says:
    April 20, 2010 at 6:01 am
    Reply

    Where I would be the first in line to buy such an item as a POV gun(and not mind if it was used on me), there are people out there who refuse to listen because 'their agenda' is all that interests them. In such a case what's next?

    • The idea is that the more empathatic you can be, the more likely you are to find an argument that will speak to them. And you'd be surprised - sometimes "jerks" change their behavior when the walls come down and they connect.

    • Cindy I ask the same question to myself? I am in a relationship I chose, that is new for me as he has 3 children and 2 different women. Both women refuse to be mature and accept my presence in their children's lives. They say bad things about me and show me no respect. I try very hard to understand how I think these young women may be feeling by placing myself in their shoes. And I keep coming to the same conclusion, which is that to realize I have nothing to do with the separation, I treat the kids as if they were my own, there is no reason to be disrespctful to me just because I am not with the guy. This leaves me upset, angry and confused. How do I continue to keep my mind open, and be understanding when there is no acknowledgement of the goodwill I show to the kids and them!

  4. Excellent points and really the basis for Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I think most people have an unspoken fear that they aren't being heard. People always respond well when you take the time to listen. You don't necessarily have to agree, but let them make their point and if you can - clear your mind of your own biases and open yourself up to new possibilities.

    I think the hurdle most people have to overcome is the thought that they will be somehow forced to abandon their belief system. You don't need to do that. Simply acknowledge that everyone sees the world through different eyes based on their own life experiences. There is no real right or wrong in the world so what it boils down to is learning to disagree without being disagreeable.

    Keith, you are 100% right about empathy being a skill. It's something one needs to practice on a daily basis. Start with something small, like letting someone cut in ahead of you on the freeway. When you drop the illusion that you have to "win", life starts to get easier.

  5. FJ Grafman says:
    April 20, 2010 at 6:23 am
    Reply

    This supports the concept of approaching each person with curiosity instead of judgment...

  6. Duy Q.Nguyen says:
    April 20, 2010 at 8:30 am
    Reply

    Hey, Malcolm Gladwell's newest book:"What the Dog saw" did well on this topic.

    It's so interesting as Gladwell's previous books. I think it worths our times.

  7. I always try to remember that the things we react to in others are also within us. So if I think someone's being a jerk, I try to identify the ways in which I've been a jerk to them. It's a fairly simple way to start the process of seeing things from the other person's POV.

  8. I believe that empathy can be learned somewhat - - at least how to help people be sensitized to others - - but I strongly hold that it is an inborn trait that people - - especially those with the strongest evidence of this trait - - have naturally.

    • I think you may have a valid point. I have always been nurtured with lots of love, understanding and support from my family and thus I am an altruistic person. I love to love people as much as receive love from those I show love to. The frustration comes from when you do not recieve empathy in return when you are a person who always practices it.

      I think that those who do not grow up learning how to be sensitive to another persons feelings or perspective, naturally defend themselves and are not aware or even care or know the importance of caring for someone else.

    • Your definitely right there. I was born without empathy. My children were born with high empathy. It is those in between who may be able to increase their empathy through exercise.

  9. This is so true.

    Understanding another person's point of view and make him/her realize that creates such a comfortable trust and synergy in the relationships.

    Well said.

    -Deven

  10. Empathizing requires deep listening and feedback communication skills. It is a tremendous building block in building relationships, regardless of who it is your spouse or a colleague. Turning all your attention to that person gives them recognition and builds trust between you and them. It also makes a deposit from you into their emotional bank account. It humanly validates them in a world of chaotic sound bytes. Calmness and self control adds tremendously to empathizing. A great learnable skill.

    John C.

  11. Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just your thoughts? I mean, what you say is important and everything. But its got no punch, no pop! Maybe if you added a pic or two, a video? You could have such a more powerful blog if you let people SEE what youre talking about instead of just reading it.

  12. As a psychotherapist, the greatest gift I can give to people is empathy. That said, it isn't always easy to be in the chair, listening and empathizing all day. Recently I apologized to one of my clients for what I perceived was a lapse in empathy. She gave me a heartfelt "Thank you" and added that she had not noticed. Nevertheless, I felt lighter having acknowledged her and that I was aware of my mistake.

  13. Being autistic, I was born without empathy and will NEVER develop it. I can, however, develop cognitive substitutes. I can learn enough psychology to identify systematic behavior patterns indicative of pathology, then understand the pathology. The most common one by far among Americans is narcissism. Sometimes, I reflect on a jerk I knew and realize that his behavior was narcissistic. Sometimes I'll discuss jerks with trusted others to better understand them. I've also been learning about nonpathological variations in personality (e.g., Myers-Brigg, DiSC). These help me understand what makes other people tick. After learning about the DiSC, I identified a coworker as an I-influencer. He then proceeded to confirm this by trying to do something to make work fun and ask about the importance of a project.

    • I should note that I'm amused when people try to use their empathy to understand me. It doesn't work. They are then befuddled because they don't have good alternatives.

  14. Jane Stimmel says:
    May 13, 2010 at 8:52 pm
    Reply

    Empathy as taught by Dr. Stephen R. Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is to "Seek first to understand, then to be understand. Understanding from their point of view builds trust in the relationship and helps in conflict situations. Often we are trying to create our response, our question, our rebuttle, etc that we miss and fail to listen to the entire message. Show that you are listening by using their words to paraphrase back what you hear first and be careful of autobiographical responses initially: 1) Evaulating 2) Probing 3) Advising and 4) Interpreting.

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