Empathy as taught by Dr. Stephen R. Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is to "Seek first to understand, then to be understand. Understanding from their point of view builds trust in the relationship and helps in conflict situations. Often we are trying to create our response, our question, our rebuttle, etc that we miss and fail to listen to the entire message. Show that you are listening by using their words to paraphrase back what you hear first and be careful of autobiographical responses initially: 1) Evaulating 2) Probing 3) Advising and 4) Interpreting.

Being autistic, I was born without empathy and will NEVER develop it. I can, however, develop cognitive substitutes. I can learn enough psychology to identify systematic behavior patterns indicative of pathology, then understand the pathology. The most common one by far among Americans is narcissism. Sometimes, I reflect on a jerk I knew and realize that his behavior was narcissistic. Sometimes I'll discuss jerks with trusted others to better understand them. I've also been learning about nonpathological variations in personality (e.g., Myers-Brigg, DiSC). These help me understand what makes other people tick. After learning about the DiSC, I identified a coworker as an I-influencer. He then proceeded to confirm this by trying to do something to make work fun and ask about the importance of a project.

As a psychotherapist, the greatest gift I can give to people is empathy. That said, it isn't always easy to be in the chair, listening and empathizing all day. Recently I apologized to one of my clients for what I perceived was a lapse in empathy. She gave me a heartfelt "Thank you" and added that she had not noticed. Nevertheless, I felt lighter having acknowledged her and that I was aware of my mistake.

Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just your thoughts? I mean, what you say is important and everything. But its got no punch, no pop! Maybe if you added a pic or two, a video? You could have such a more powerful blog if you let people SEE what youre talking about instead of just reading it.

Empathizing requires deep listening and feedback communication skills. It is a tremendous building block in building relationships, regardless of who it is your spouse or a colleague. Turning all your attention to that person gives them recognition and builds trust between you and them. It also makes a deposit from you into their emotional bank account. It humanly validates them in a world of chaotic sound bytes. Calmness and self control adds tremendously to empathizing. A great learnable skill. John C.

This is so true. Understanding another person's point of view and make him/her realize that creates such a comfortable trust and synergy in the relationships. Well said. -Deven

I believe that empathy can be learned somewhat - - at least how to help people be sensitized to others - - but I strongly hold that it is an inborn trait that people - - especially those with the strongest evidence of this trait - - have naturally.

I always try to remember that the things we react to in others are also within us. So if I think someone's being a jerk, I try to identify the ways in which I've been a jerk to them. It's a fairly simple way to start the process of seeing things from the other person's POV.

Hey, Malcolm Gladwell's newest book:"What the Dog saw" did well on this topic. It's so interesting as Gladwell's previous books. I think it worths our times.

This supports the concept of approaching each person with curiosity instead of judgment...

Excellent points and really the basis for Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I think most people have an unspoken fear that they aren't being heard. People always respond well when you take the time to listen. You don't necessarily have to agree, but let them make their point and if you can - clear your mind of your own biases and open yourself up to new possibilities. I think the hurdle most people have to overcome is the thought that they will be somehow forced to abandon their belief system. You don't need to do that. Simply acknowledge that everyone sees the world through different eyes based on their own life experiences. There is no real right or wrong in the world so what it boils down to is learning to disagree without being disagreeable. Keith, you are 100% right about empathy being a skill. It's something one needs to practice on a daily basis. Start with something small, like letting someone cut in ahead of you on the freeway. When you drop the illusion that you have to "win", life starts to get easier.

Where I would be the first in line to buy such an item as a POV gun(and not mind if it was used on me), there are people out there who refuse to listen because 'their agenda' is all that interests them. In such a case what's next?

My experience lines right up with this. It even helped with my "Ex" when I listened to how he felt. I didn't always agree, but I could "see" how he felt that way and that perspective helped. In business I tell stories and listen to those of my colleagues as our rich experiences can really help each other if we are open to share them. As a recruiting consultant I have had the priviledge of speaking with thousands of people in my career and find common ground with them all by using this practice. I feel blessed to have Keith who so eloquently puts these things in words and shares them.

This works because it puts the burden on YOU and the attention on THEM - we are at our best when our focus is outward, and our desire is to put the other person first. It goes against our rather selfish human nature. :-)