When Thanks Isn’t Enough – 3 Steps to Gratitude that Empowers

Posted on September 15th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. – William James

goulston picture 2a

Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen

I don't like self-help. I like let-others-help – it’s core to both Who’s Got Your Back and Never Eat Alone. I got my mantra from my Pop: If you need something, ASK FOR IT!

But to practice let-others-help well, you've got to be at the top of your own game in two related arenas: Generosity and gratitude. Never forget that you’ve got to give to get.

Mark Goulston, part of our Greenlight Research Group, has the perfect recipe for expressing your gratitude - what he calls “the Power Thank You” in his practical, insightful new book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark is one of the best communicators I know. That's not too surprising, given that he’s a psychiatrist, a trainer for FBI hostage negotiators, and just an all-around savant when it comes to the study of human behavior.

His favorite version of the Power Thank You was inspired by Heidi Wall, the co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute here in LA. It has three steps:

1. Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.)

2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.”

3. Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.

Mark writes, “If a person performs an extraordinary act of kindness or assistance and all you say is ‘thanks,’ you create a mirror neuron receptor gap because emotionally you’re not giving back as much as you received. Saying ‘thanks’ is better than nothing, but it’s not good enough” (emphasis mine).

The Power Thank You helps you, too: “It doesn’t just make the other person look good,” Mark writes. “It also makes you look good to everyone involved by showing that you have empathy and humility and that you care. It also shows that you can be trusted to give credit where it’s due—something that can win you important allies in a corporate world where people too often get burned by disloyalty.”

Interested in learning more? Check out Mark's recent piece on persuasion at Active Garage. Or buy Just Listen online at Amazon, Borders, or Barnes & Noble.

Have you found a creative way to say thanks when someone really went the distance for you? Have you  been the recipient of exceptional gratitude?

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22 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Wonderful guidance! I am reminded of the power of apology - how to turn a mistake into an advantage. This is not my idea, but I can't tell you where I learned it. The idea is that by making a connection through the process of a "power apology" you can not just repair but strengthen the relationship that was damaged. it takes 5 steps, and it's easy to find helpful detail on the internet:
    (power apology)
    1. Describe the event that happened (who, what, where, when)
    2. Describe what you did and how you acted ("I said..." "I behaved..." "I was judgemental/disrespectful/careless with your feelings"...)
    3. Acknowledge the damage done ("I know that your trust in me has been broken")
    4. Tell what you wish you had done instead
    5. Tell what you will do differently in the future ("I will consider your feelings/choose my words more carefully/hesitate before I speak from anger")

    We all make mistakes, our colleagues and organizations make mistakes, but we can use those moments to learn and build relationships.

  2. This is so very true and important in both your personal and business life. Going beyond the simple thank you provides a lasting impression. A client of my just actually told me thank you for a job well done. A simple thank you would have been enough but she added on it-"I would have still been working on my book, if it wasn't for you. Thank you for keeping me on task and you thought of things I would have never had." Those simple words made me as the receiver almost jump for joy. My heart smiled when I received her autograph copy of her book (Momma Sayings and Life Reflections by Lori M Hobson) and she had signed it: "To Shari, my blessing, you do rock!" Take the time to practice your thank you.

  3. I often do say thanks and write thank you cards; however, I will be the first to admit that I have not been consistent with steps 2 and 3. Those 2 steps are the ones that really make an impact and give the other person proper perspective of what their gesture did for you. Another fantastic tip that can be implemented today. Cheers!

  4. Great comments, all. So much of this is about taking the TIME and care to do it right, isn't it? - and as @myCMPS said, consistently.

  5. Hey, I have to agree with his steps, since they resemble what I created for the leadership training program for the Salt Lake 2002 Winter Olympics. Recognition was the second core action for leaders with these four steps: 1. Be genuine and specific 2. Describe exactly what was done that deserves appreciation 3. Explain the positive impact on the performance of the team 4. Extend your personal appreciation. I've since taught these principles in many workshops and so, yes, I agree Mark is doing a good thing!

  6. Keith,

    To your last comment, once you take the TIME and CARE to follow the three steps, and then doing it CONSISTENTLY, it becomes a habit. Once a habit, it becomes an integral part of who you are and how you relate to people. So while in the beginning it may appear to someone learning to adopt this practice that it's taking "Time" to do, over time it begins to feel natural as you "learn" and become more competent at doing it.

    In some situations, people are unaware of the level of effort it took for someone to perform step 2 ("Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you"). In my experience it's okay to skip to step 3 "Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you."

    It's this "make a difference / have an impact in what you do" that brings the "heart smile" referred to by Shari. So while I appreciate the impact that the person made on me (i.e. the reason why I'm thanking him/her in the first place), I love sharing my gratitude and helping to reinforce in that person that they "done good" and to keep doing what they did ;)

    A mentor taught me early on "Make people feel GREAT doing stuff for you and they'll want to KEEP doing stuff for you (even when you don't ask)."

  7. Great reminder, Mark and Keith! One super simple sentence I learned from a colleague that supports what you're suggesting here is to say to a person, "I appreciate you" rather than "I appreciate that". If you can add what you appreciate them for, all the better, but the simple tweak of saying "you" after "appreciate" makes all the difference in the acknowledgment. You are appreciate the person more than the act. And isn't that what it's all about? :)

  8. Interesting timing with this post. This morning, I got to thinking that, lately, I had not been telling my husband how much I appreciate all the things he does. So, I sent him a quick e-mail thanking him for doing the grocery shopping and making sure our pantry and refrigerator were always well-stocked.

    An hour later, I got an instant message from him asking me if I was OK. I asked him why he was asking me that and he said because of the e-mail I sent. I laughed and told him that I was trying to let him know that I appreciated that he takes care of the grocery shopping. Then, he actually balked at me! He said that I shouldn't feel the need to always show gratitude and that I should just know that his taking care of the groceries is his way of showing his appreciation for all the work I do around the house.

    I felt a little deflated. But, then I thought about what he said.

    I think the problem with his argument is that you assume that the person receiving your (appreciation-motivated) action will interpret your action to mean appreciation. Yet, as this little conversation between my husband and myself clearly demonstrates, assumptions and implications can lead to misunderstanding. (I thought he always did the grocery shopping because he didn't like to see the fridge and pantry so empty.)

    So, I'll continue sending my "thank you" e-mails, making sure I include steps 2 and 3.

  9. Thank you so much for sharing this simple yet sincere method of showing appreciation. Your effort to explain these steps so clearly makes a big difference. I can tell already that knowing how to express true thankfulness will make a big difference in my relationships. I can hardly wait to get started!

  10. Hello Keith!

    I just read your fantastic blog post here. It seems like we share the attitude that “Gratitude is good for you.” Grateful Nation is an online community that gives grateful people the opportunity and resources to connect, give back, and be thankful. Hopefully, one thanks will lead to another, and we’ll create an unending positive cycle of gratitude. Jump into the unending cycle of gratitude ~ http://www.gratefulnation.org

    Thank you, Vanessa

  12. Hello Keith,
    This is a great Blog post. I absolutely loved it! I have a great passion for networking, and my first rule is always be gracious and say thank you. I practice this rule as a standard and people are happier when you show them appreciation.

    I also agree about giving to get. This post was very helpful to me because I tend to always give but for a long time I felt strange about asking for help when I needed it.

    Thanks again for this discussion!

    Marleen

  13. I love this valuable advice. I believe this could really help in a person's daily life and subsequently.

  14. This is great and wonderful sharing, few days back I checked on a website for a product. They gave me username and password, after going thru, i wrote a one liner Thanks to there service. it opened up a good business opportunity for both.
    small gestures with heart does matters in a very longway.

  15. A "Power Thank You" to Keith and the FG community:
    1. Keith and all of you read his comment about my ideas and book.
    2. All of you took the time out of your day to leave a comment and mostly heartfelt ones at that.
    3. Your support for my work and ideas "empowers" and "emboldens" me to continue to do more.
    BTW if you like the Power Thank You, you might also like the Power Apology both in my book "Just Listen" and at: http://markgoulston.com/insights/418.html

  16. For those who want to read more about this form of appreciation and why giving specifics is more effective than labeling someone as "helpful" or "talented." I recommend "How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work". Here's a summary from Fast Company: http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/46/complain.html

  17. Thank you for this wonderful post :)

    One way to express thanks is to write hand written notes in a creative way or give it in an unexpected way e.g slip in the note in the computer. When they open up the laptop the note is there to greet the person.

    On one occasion we got a cake with the thank you message for one of our associates. The whole team loved it !

  18. Your story was really informative, thakns!

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