The Techno-Loner Generation: Are You Raising a Socially Illiterate Child?

Posted on September 9th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

girlwithphoneAre we raising a nation of teenagers who r omg totally gr8 texters, but total dopes when it comes to managing face to face communication?

Your teenage child sends and receives 2,272 texts a month and spends 9 hours a week absorbed in social networking sites. According to this Wall Street Journal Online op-ed by an English professor at Emory, there’s major collateral damage: a rising generation who’s deaf and dumb when it comes to real-time interaction and the subtle language of nonverbal cues – tonality, facial expressions, posture, and the like. He’s concerned: His book is called The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future.

The professor’s both wrong and dead right.

Jeopardizing our future? Wrong. There’s so much more to celebrate than to gripe about in the Digital Age. The online revolution has wildly expanded our opportunities to share, create, and do more of all the things that tribes have done since the dawn of time – and now at the speed of light. We’re getting more human every day. I’m excited, not afraid, to see what new competencies Gen-Y and Gen-Z bring into the culture.

Here’s where he’s right: While the desire for relationships is innate, building them requires a skill set – one that can and must be learned. I know it can be learned, because I’ve made a lot of money, and my clients a lot of money, by teaching them those very skills. Nonverbal communication is an important part of that skill set, and it’s entirely possible that the professor’s right in worrying that it’s not going to be your kid’s strong suit.

It’s up to you, as parents, to fill the gap in that skill set.  Push them toward activities that will develop those abilities that they miss out on while glued to their PC. Here are six tips to kick start your thinking.

6 Tips for Raising a Relationship-Savvy Child - Video Summary

1.    Don't be a hypocrite! If you, like the professor, are worried your kids aren't skilled communicators, make sure you’re skilled at their preferred modes of interaction.  Technology-facilitated communication is likely to become more, not less, important in the future, so make sure that you’re not overly focused on what worked in the past – you know, back when you had to walk a mile in bare feet in snow to get to school.

2.    Set the example: As parents, your social life shouldn’t take place entirely remotely from your children. You’re wasting an opportunity to share with them your own special recipe for the good life – warm times with close friends. So find time to entertain at home. Host a dinner or a holiday party. Without making your kids the center of attention, give them time to interact with guests and “play grown-up.”

3.    Set the table: The reality of your life may not make daily family dinners possible – but certainly you can make shared meals happen several times a week. A study reported in the 2003 Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine found that adolescents who frequently sat down to family meals had better grades, less depression, and were less likely to drink alcohol, smoke, or use marijuana than kids who ate with their families less than twice a week.

4.    Take turns toasting: This is a must for special events, but also a great tradition even for casual Sunday night dinner. That way yours kids grow up watching and practicing impromptu “public” speaking – and learning to celebrate the small stuff.

5.    Activities, activities, activities: Get your kid involved early on in an organization that promotes and rewards offline social interaction – think Boy or Girl Scouts, local theatre, sports clubs, or even a local nonprofit or political campaign. At a certain point, your kid will do what he wants to do, and unless you’re really lucky, it won’t involve the Glee Club. But if you’ve laid the foundation with years of marshmallow roasts and musical theatre, he’ll have the skills at the ready when he’s done being a disaffected teenager.

6.    Enforce No Cell Phone/Blackberry family outings: Yes, your kids will hate you. And it you’re hooked on the Crackberry yourself, you’ll probably mean it when you say, “This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.” But it’s good for everyone to take a break. For a few hours, anyway.

Those who are the best at building relationships will always have a competitive edge. Relationships drive success; everything we do in life is with and through other people. That’s not changing.

Now let's hear your take: How are you approaching these issues with your kids? Or maybe you're a teenager - are all these grownups worried about nothing?

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21 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. believe it or not dinner is the hardest one, with kids involved in everything, and parents either driving or running to and from their own jobs, it's really hard to make family dinners work.

    But we've done it 5 or 6 nights a week for over 16 years,

    The only way we made it work was set dinner for a later hour, in our case 7 PM, and for one parent to take responsibility for making it happen. For 12 years, it was me, now it's my husband.

    I wish I could tell you we had mastered the art of having two high flying careers and giving our kids the time and attention they need. But we haven't. So we winded up taking turns, we've both always worked, but for a while I was part time, and now he's part time.

    I grew up with the have it all myth, but the reality is kids don't raise themselves, and it's really hard to be an attentive tuned in parent when you're working 60 hours a week. I'm sure some do it, but they must be able to live on less sleep than I can.

  2. I agree with you Keith. I believe parents play a major role in developing their children's social skills.

    I grew up in a culture where girls were encouraged to go to school and get good grade but were not encouraged to participate in activities such as political clubs or girls scouts. I never understood why people joined such clubs that until now.

    Good job on the article. Very helpful.

  3. I am fortunate because my kids are still very young (8 and 5), so Blackberrys, cell phones, and PC usage is pretty much non-existent. (Yet.) My husband and I work; our work lives are entirely on the computer. I make it my personal priority that the computer is off when the kids are home. It's very rare when I do leave the computer on; it's usually because I am waiting for it to finish a task like installing a new program.

    I am seeing with neighbors that have older children or children involved in too many activities that the children are tired and struggling through school. Yet, the parents seem to thrive off the feeling of being "busy", and, therefore, they feel they must be doing the right thing. Somehow, our society values being "busy" to the point of being able to brag about how little sleep we get and how agitated we are about "busy-ness". We think that if we aren't "busy", we aren't doing enough for our kids. It's "hyper-living" and it's not as fun and fulfilling as living a deep, rich life.

  4. Keith you are right on...I was a shy non-social child, who, after being active in a youth leadership organization during Junior High and High School (that you had to speak in public), finally broke through my shell in my first year in college. It was exhilarating, and I chose careers that I never would have ever thought I would have the guts to do, first in sales and now in non-profit and educational fund-raising. I am trying to pass these skills down to my oldest son, taking him to the places I go to interact with others (a lot of time spent at my college fraternity, Lambda Chi Alpha, where I am the adviser, where he hangs out and interacts with the college students) and he is starting to come out of his computer and video game haze...but it is an uphill battle. In a year and half I am going to introduce him to the organization I joined as a teenager, DeMolay International. http://www.demolay.org

  5. Keith, don't forget about books. Books develop imagination, which makes a person interesting and able to contribute socially. The great books introduce us to great people, wicked people and all kinds of people who are some of both. Books introduce us to conversations and deep meaning. And books themselves are conversations between the mind, the author and millions of others who have inspired, read and commented on the book.

    An education designed to help children become great communicators and listeners must include great books.

  6. Michael, I couldn't agree with you more. Nothing better than extensive reading to get incredible vocab, fluency with language... and more subtly, to develop a strong curiosity in other worlds, other people.

    - Sara (who was up until 2 a.m. last night because she couldn't put Steig Larsson's second book down!)

  7. You make some excellent points, but I would venture to say that this lack of social skills is rampant in groups other than "kids". As we depend more and more on electronic communication and as the economy becomes even more brutal all groups suffer from a lack of civility and good communication. http://karensouthw.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/conversation-in-the-shadow-of-war-and-peace/
    The techies who will really succeed in the new economy are the ones who can blend knowledge of high tech with solid social skills. Good list of preventatives.

  8. I find the premise that the more youths text, the less able they are in verbal communication to be a stretch. Why does the Emory professor consider communication to be a zero-sum game? How is this different than US programmers interacting electronically with their Indian counterparts? Or US sales people emailing European customers? Electronic communication, whether it be business people emailing or kids texting, in no way precludes verbal proficiency or being able to read non-verbal signals. It is just one more tool available to bridge distance and time.

  9. I have two daughters that are 15 and 12. My wife and i put a huge commitment into engaging our children into conversations, not only around the dinner table but also out in public. We've had to work hard on teaching them proper eye contact, greetings, firm handshakes, and proper manners when answering and handling conversations on the phone.

    We make it a point to have dinners at our dinner table at least 2 to 3 times a week, where we ask questions about their day and encourage them to exchange ideas and thoughts with us and each other. I want them to feel confident that they can engage people in proper conversations to build better connections in life.

    We haven't encouraged texting with our current cell phone plan, although they are well versed in the internet and social media websites. I believe in comparison to their peers they are plugged in to the current technology without forgetting the ideals of proper human connection.

  10. Keith,

    Thanks for the reminder to keep kids communicating face-to-face with peers and adults. I'm with you on the activities bit.; however, what's this comment about the Glee Club? I'm trying to understand what you meant by that.

    Cheers

  11. Great topic, Keith! I have three kids - none of whom are at an age to use cell phones, yet. My wife and I are adamant that our kids won't have cell phones or social media access until they are in their teens - and they will be closely monitored (knowing that teens can get by with a lot...at least I did...and I didn't need a cell phone to do it). By the time our kids have cell phones and Facebook accounts, they won't be such shiny new toys and we'll have learned (hopefully) more about how to manage, monitor, and educate them to use it safely and effectively. Maybe its wishful thinking? But you make a great point - if parents don't learn about the technology and how to use it, how can they be effective teachers of balancing the face-to-face with the social media venues?

  12. Great piece, Keith; we encourage our children to tell us stories about their day as much as possible and always make room for it (with few exceptions, I'll drop whatever I'm doing if they have something to tell me). As you also suggest, we toast each other's successes both formally and informally whenever we can too. It seems to be working; we find our kids (14, 12 & 11) continue to volunteer what they've been up to and their friends' parents report our three to be very lively company.

  13. As a 20 something who grew up as this technology was taking off, and has more or less rode the wave - I think you're absolutely right, Keith. It's vital to learn and develop personal communication skills even while often seems more important to learn proper etiquette for the latest social media site. In large part, it was my parents hosting get-togethers at our house that helped me develop the skills I need more than anything else.

    On the strengths of my generation: we usually know and follow proper etiquette for the new media. It's amazing how many times I've had co-workers talking about someone in the office, often older, who comes off as rude or angry in their emails because they're short and choppy. Or I've noticed that many people on twitter, often politicians or community leaders, 'misuse' the service, posting information that is irrelevant to the community. You often talk about networks of thousands of people - by using digital communication well, my generation is connecting in meaningful ways to an astonishing number of people around the world - and creating relationships that spill into the 'real' world.

    And Catherine, I'm hoping Glee Club was a reference to the new show, Glee - very fun, and worth a watch :)

  14. Hey everyone,

    Great post Keith and great comments. My kids are not of the age to have cell phones or access to IM, Twitter, Facebook, etc. When the time comes I will want them introduced to that medium, but staying well versed in the face to face interaction. We encourage story telling, both non-fiction (how was your day) and fiction (using that imagination. My wife and I have been telling stories since they were young and now even my 2 year old is telling elobarote stories to us.

    -Kupe

  15. Setting the table is the easy part, how to find time to shop for groceries, cut or prep the food, make the food and cook the dinner is the hard part of dinner time.

    At Dream Dinners the make it easy to put a home cooked dinner, you make yourself on your dinner table. Check out DreamDinners.com.

  16. Both of my daughters (16 and 12) do not have texting plans in our cell phone plan. We've always prided ourselves on being a family who learns how to communicate with each other better face to face or on the phone rather than by email and texting. That's why I believe my children are able to engage with many different generations and groups of people. We have them know and use technology but not become consumed by it.

    I do agree with Keith's tip regarding no cellphones or blackberry use during family outings. It's one that I wish my brother and his oldest son would institute, yet they don't and I think as a result you can see how socially awkward they are without these devices. For the couple of hours that we may be together during these outings, I think you can devote your full attention to the people there face to face.

    Keep up the good work Keith, another excellent post.

    -Matt

  17. I saved this article to read when I had time. . .and an example of the "eye contact, non-verbal cues" situation just happened to my son, 16. His older half brother,24, has been texting him nasty things about him not having self-discipline to balance school and Xbox,Facebook etc. These are cyber-bullying and I KNOW that if he was face to face he wouldn't have the guts to talk this way. When people use technology in such negative ways they THEMSELVES can't see how much pain they are causing and this is no way to confront someone or argue. It is just a coward's way of communication, if you can call it that. At the same time, I tried to have my son CALL him to no avail. The rift is there and the more time that lapses the deeper the gap. There are times to use electronic communication and times to speak face to face and not hide behind technology.

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