Five Tricks to Set New Contacts at Ease in 10 Seconds Flat

Posted on September 22nd, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

Few have strength of reason to overcome the perceptions of sense.
- Samuel Johnson

geico-caveman-relaxing1You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.

Why? Anthropologists tell us that we're thinking like cavemen. Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.

How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?

This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. Instead, take the initiative in creating a welcoming impression. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.

1. First, give the person a hearty smile. It says, “I’m approachable.”

2. Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering.That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.

3. Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.

4. Nod your head and lean in. Meanwhile, we cautious about invading the other person’s space. You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.

5. Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we
protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.

Question: Has anyone out there had success in consciously developing these nonverbal skills?

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19 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Good advice, overall. A comment RE #5 though - lots of people just don't like to be touched by folks they don't know well. (Also, in job interviews - that's a no-no - for sure.)

  2. Great tips! I was never a "toucher" in the past, but I have taught myself through the years to reach out to people. If I pass by someone I know, I'll pat them on the shoulder just to say "I'm thinking about you" and when I connect with them later in the event, it's as if we already spoke & can get right down to business. I have found this really helps to break the ice with contacts you've met a few times, but don't really keep in touch with on a regular basis.

  3. Great tips. #6 is ask questions. People care more about themselves than they do you when you first meet.... so get them talking about what is important to them and they will open up.

  4. #5 can be a cultural reality as well. Some cultures are more inclined to embrace touch without a second thought whereas many individuals in America feel like "their personal space" is violated by touch. Very odd. In the end, it is simply about balance and culture nuance in terms of touch.

  5. Margaret Harrist says:
    September 22, 2009 at 7:41 am
    Reply

    I agree with Thom that it's very important to ask questions. And I'll add a #7: Look for ways that you can help them with a business challenge. You might have a contact that would be useful, or you might have recently read an article they would find interesting. Finding ways to give is the most effective -- and most satisfying -- way to network.

  6. Great blog! absolutely essential. I'm bascially an introvert but thirty years in ministry have helped me develop exactly what you shared today. Thanks Keith. God Bless you and your work!

  7. I work in healthcare and have learned that, at the right time, touching can be connecting and reassuring.
    Each situation needs to be carefully assessed, though. There are no hard and fast rules for "Touch Now." I personally hate being hugged because "people need to be hugged!" I think that shows a lack of sensitivity to the individual.
    I teach families in hospice how to do a simple reflexology routine for their ill and nonverbal family member/patient. Doing this, a simple bodywork technique on the feet feels less invasive, but can give the family member an avenue to conveying caring through touch.

  8. I've consciously used these techniques for the last few years to good effect, but have found that it is different from culture to culture, just as Josue has observed. But the best thing about doing these moves is not what it does for your listener, but what it does for you!

  9. Jacqueline Reitnauer says:
    September 23, 2009 at 4:25 pm
    Reply

    I agree that #5 is situational. I'm a "toucher" and have had to censor myself in the past because people would pull back even when you touch them lightly on the arm or something simple. A handshake is great, but some people (mostly women, and I'm a woman, so I'm not being biased) don't know how to do it properly and it ends up being awkward.

    I do consciously try to incorporate these things into first meetings and ongoing relationships as well, come to think of it. They do work pretty well, especially the smile, to put people at ease.

  10. For those of you who have trouble "smiling on command" like I did for years I have a tip.

    Someone showed me (I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit) that a good way to give a big smile is to imagine that you are holding a pencil in you mouth. In fact, if you have trouble smiling - try putting a pencil and then smiling. Once you get a sense of the feeling of having your cheeks go back, your mouth opening, and your teeth showing you will be confident that you will be giving a nice smile.

    The amount of time that you smile is important, too. Similar to Keith's advice about too much eye contact, too much smiling is not natural. Unless there are special circumstances the person you are with will think you are fake if you smile and laugh all the time.

    I really appreciated the post and the comments. Thanks for sharing.

    Smiling is important and for years I had trouble giving "the right" smile.

  11. John Williams says:
    September 24, 2009 at 3:36 am
    Reply

    All of these suggestions are right on. I use them all the time- you can be the judge with the person you are with as to what to do and not do- the key items are eye contact and leaning in- but be careful to not get too close- that is a big turn off for sure. I deal with internatinal customers some grab you and give you a hug (men and women) and others are more stand off- but again, eye contact and sincerity get them all the time.....thanks for teh great tips

  12. I love this topic! My best tip is to "appreciate" the other person - which may include what they're saying/doing, but maybe not. Consciously feeling genuine appreciation for them (and your connection with them) in the moment as you maintain eye contact and positive thoughts, will send a transmission of energy that is powerful and can shift others into feeling more open towards you.

    If you're trying to look positive while making eye contact with them, but you're thinking about getting what you want in that moment, you're on the wrong track. This is a giving piece and people love/want/need to feel received. When this is established you can move forward having created a real connection.

    Keith, I love the your tips and the conversation!

  13. I use these techniques - all 7 of them and they work with the caveat of Lisa's, Ken's and Josue's comments. The smile is the miracle worker which I discovered when I was working and walking in London (I am British). I was having a really bad day, scowling and looking all moody when a woman (I think Jamaican) walked up to me and gave the brightest smile I had ever seen. It changed my complete attitude and day. I went from zero to a hundred in a nano-second.
    In regard to follow-ups I send articles I find in papers, magazines and on-line to individuals who I think will appreciate them, all non-related to what I do with my clients, just to make the relationship stronger. The earlier in the relationship you start this the stornger the relationship becomes.

  14. I've heard that waittresses at restaurants can get a lot bigger tips when they make some sort of physical contact with their table guests. Whether just tapping the guy paying the bills shoulder and then setting it on the table, or whatever. Just a tap- so I've heard

  15. In my country, South Africa, people are very warm. We don't just touch - we embrace. I recently went to a meeting at the Nelson Mandela Foundation offices. I had not met the person before, and extended my hand when introduced. She instead put her arms around me and said "Around here we don't shake hands, we hug". What a marvelous way to start a relationship. All the tips mentioned work - I have been using them for years.

  16. I like this advice overall, but agree that the elbow touching act is weak. To me, it doesn't come across that way, it comes across as basically "ick." I would be more apt to ask questions, compliment them on an accomplishment or act I know about or introduce them to others around me if that is an option. Just about anything but touching their elbow...

  17. Make it a smile, not a grin!

    You know what I'm saying: It's in the eyes (yours - and theirs when you really connect). What's the diff? Well, think of the last big smile you got from a child. It's their eyes that light up and engage you, draw you in to their joy. The grin is just punctuation. You see, a grin is something you do with your mouth and teeth. A smile is a feeling you share. It's far more inviting and tells others so much more about you.

    A genuine smile goes hand-in-hand with the rest of the tips. In fact the rest flow naturally with a just a little practice. Rapport in seconds. Eye contact ceases to be uncomfortable. The touch is never misperceived. Body language and talk are naturally more open.

    Look in the mirror and try it. The great smile starts with the eyes; the rest will follow...

  18. I became a toucher years ago when I read of a research study.

    Surveyors stood outside of a new library, asking exiting visitors to answer a few brief questions about the library. Half of the surveyors were instructed to somehow make physical contact, such as touching the person's hand while handing them a pen.

    The respondents who had been touched were glowing in their praise, more connected and engaged, and overall much more positive in their opinions of the library and of being asked to participate in a survey.

    Now, when the grovery store cashier hands me my change, I make sure I always touch. I think they are friendlier...

  19. To have a presice mind with good thought when we are in contacts with others can help our suitable face and body state and behavioural control

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