Don’t Be a Jerk – SHARPEN Your Communication Skills

Posted on July 6th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Poor communication skills? You CAN improve them – and you should, because those who don’t often end up getting written off as “jerks.” Your career will suffer, particularly when it comes to your ability to collaborate and lead.

To help you along the way, I asked one of our RMA Coaches, Stephanie Vora, to pull together a list of the top practices she and other coaches use to create productive relationships with clients. One of the first priorities of a coach is to set their clients at ease in the relationship so that communication is never a barrier to finding the best solution.

Here’s my three favorites of the top six she shared with RMAers on their weekly coaching call. My suggestion: Get started by picking one to focus on in the next few days. Once it becomes a habit, move onto the next.

1. Ask for permission: Make sure the person you are speaking with is ready and willing to engage. Always ask people if they have time to talk or if another time would be better.
Also ask if it’s OK to talk about sensitive topics (e.g., Do you mind if I ask you a personal question about your family?).

2. Clarify what has been said: Showing that you have really listened and understood by mirroring a person’s remarks back at him or her builds incredible trust. This is a form of active listening.  When mirroring remarks, make sure you capture the essence and be succinct. Also, remember less is more. The focus is on them.

3. Ask great open ended questions: Make them really think with questions that keep the conversation moving. Focus on forward and solution-focused questions; don't harp on the past. Try to challenge people to think things through rather than just giving them an answer.

Thanks to Stephanie for these great tips.

What are your top habits for the very best communication? Let me know!

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15 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. I have these habits you list. And someone I know, recently and unexpectedly, told me that I am a *good communicator*. What I also do is offer useful information to my colleagues. I am happy to share resources. My personal philosophy is that if I am associating with them then I want them to be successful! It's more fun that way too. I am an artist and if I get other artists I like into exhibits then we all benefit. Sometimes I will encounter someone skeptical who assumes that I have a hidden agenda or profit making angle I am about to get at. I just tell them straight out that it is best to investigate an opportunity rather than put up blocks, so as not to inadvertently kill a good op or connection. Everyone has their own communication style and I try to understand and respect that...

  2. When speaking with another person, make eye contact and use good body language, like nodding in assent while the person is speaking.

  3. Keith, three great points for us to remember. Can you recommend some additional books and resources on the subject of good communications? I'd like to learn more on how to develop skills in the area of good communications, especially for telephone and e-mail correspondence. These days, more and more of my work is done via calls and email. Less face to face pushes the need to be "great on the phone" even higher.

  4. This is a great list...first thing that came to mind when reading this is "Have Empathy" when speaking to someone else. If find that if I try to put myself in the other person's shoes, I have more compassion for and clearer understanding of what they are communicating.

  5. What a worthwhile list - straight to the point! As an interior designer, I find that active listening is the most important skill of communicating. Sometimes, listening for what is NOT said is even more important. So often my clients are in disagreement about the way the room should look and it takes lots of clarifying and asking many open-ended questions to get to a solution for both parties.

  6. These are pretty simple tips that anyone in the communcations field probably learned in their introductory classes. It's great to have this little reminder though because the problem is that so many of us forget the basics in our every day business and personal interactions. Great post, great reminder and great advice - thanks!

  7. Hi,

    I like Maries comment. I think we are all in the communications business not sales, sometimes people say that. Think they forget great salespeople often great communicators.

    I like Lisa and Catherines points too. They are right empathy is SO important to have empathy and clarity in communication. Hud too has a gem of tip too. At least the person feels included when you nod, including people makes them want to buy into your idea, your concept maybe your product.

    Thanks

    Dara

  8. To these useful tips, I would add - try to see the situation from the other person's point of view. Sometimes I think my way is the best (or only) way and therefore, I'm not open to disagreement. But if I remember to stop and ask the other person for more information about their idea or why they think it will work, I often find that we are working towards the same goal and just have different ways of getting there - and often, their idea is better than mine!

  9. What a great idea to start the day (it´s morning in Germany), to communicate with others about communication. Thanks for the opportunity to learn in this way. I think I will remember better what was said and the great advice of the three points, now that I feel a part of this. Fun! I´m reading "Never eat alone" and what did really impress me was the point of being vulnerable, talking about own mistakes and flaws makes other people feel save and real. Hope you all have a great day!

  10. Tom Miller says:
    July 7, 2010 at 7:08 am
    Reply

    Some good points, however not entirely in-obvious. If you wanted some more in depth advice on improving your communications skills, id recommend this site that helped me a lot: http://www.salessense.co.uk/interpersonal_skills_training

  11. I found two things that work for me. First, I am genuine in my concern for others and their causes or issues. I care about what they are saying at the time, make direct eye contact,and respond appropriately. Second, if I don't have an answer for them at that moment, I try to research an answer or connect them with resources that I believe will help them. I feel that not only is it good to listen, but it is equally important to follow through with action responses.

  12. And of course... focus on the other person!
    S/he should be the focus of your thoughts and not just focusing on your end of the conversation.
    Jordi
    (Networking & Business http://www.jordi.pro/netbiz )

  13. Sarah Anma says:
    July 12, 2010 at 12:39 pm
    Reply

    Listening is an action. When I remember this, the miraculous can and does happen.

    When I take the time to really hear, rather than wait for my turn, both the speaker and myself have the space for an amazing experience.
    One time someone thanked me for what they called my "Big, Listening Ear". I got the compliment a full 12 hours after I had resisted the urge to problem solve for them. I had given them the space to find their own solution. The art of ALLOWING is amazing but not always easy!

  14. Don't talk, don't think, and don't react...concentrate on listening. When we talk we can't listen at all. When we think, we interrupt listening to them while formulating our own response. When we react - through facial, bodily or verbal indicators - we might disrupt them. In everyday, casual conversations this interchange is normal and expected. When someone is talking about something very personal, they are often hesitant or unable to reveal everything in their opening remarks. When they sense that you are truly interested, they will begin to develop it further. You, in turn, may be more willing to express your true feelings to someone who has opened themselves to you. Deep, meaningful conversations can result.

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