Build Rapport Quickly with Mirroring

Posted on March 4th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

Here’s one of the missions from my forthcoming online Relationship Masters Academy:

Build rapport quickly with mirroring.

People like people who are like them – it's built-in to the most primitive parts of our brain. Here’s how to get past this reptilian tic: mirroring, observing your conversational partner’s body language, tone, and level, and mirroring it with your own behavior.

It works: In one Dutch study, an interviewer talked to participants and then dropped a bunch of pens. The participants who had been mirrored were 2-3 times more likely to help the interviewer pick up the pens! Mirroring increased their good will and their “pro-social orientation in general.” You could use that, right?

Your mission: Try mirroring today. As you speak with a colleague, friend, or stranger:

•  Watch their movements. Wait 10 seconds, and then shift your body to match theirs.
•  Use the same hand gestures they use, but only when it’s your turn to talk.
•  Match their facial expressions instantly. If they raise their eyebrows, raise yours.
•  When they nod their head, nod yours instantly to signal agreement or affirmation.

Whether you want to drop pens after you try this out is up to you. :-)

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12 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Did you get this tip from Andy Bernard on The Office??

    They show how not to mirror someone... Good stuff.

  2. This is good stuff. When I was a police officer, before moving into the corporate world, I learned to use mirroring extensively when interviewing victims, witnesses and suspects. One of the most important interrogation techniques was gaining trust and establishing a relationship. Mirroring worked like a charm breaking down barriers and gathering information. Using it in the corporate environment proved just a valuable and helped smooth out political rough spots and create linkages with department heads I might not have had before. Mirroring works.

  3. My first response was "I absolutely hate it when, during the time I'm talking, the other person nods his head and raises his eyebrows. So, I disagree."

    Then I thought that's probably because I myself don't nod and raise, so basically he's not mirroring me at all. So perhaps you point holds true.

    Whichever way, it's good food for thought. Thank you!

  4. During my brief stint as a car salesman, one of my managers talked about mirroring one day. I thought he was full of crap and making stuff up, but now I notice it all the time. I notice people mirroring me, and sometimes I noticed that I've subconsciously mirrored the person I've been talking to.

    I wonder if mirroring might not always be a good idea though. Sometimes, people do certain things because they're defensive, such as crossing their arms. I cross my arms a lot, but I don't think it's out of defense. I'm just comfortable like that sometimes. But some people interpret it as a defense device. Any thoughts?

  5. Keith, thanks for the good food for thought.
    Jake, what you said is also right. In body language, crossing your arms means you are not coming out openly. But I too feel comfortable just crossing arms. So we can't generalise that crossing the arms is defensive, but it seems that it is so in most of the cases. So I consciously keep myself not crossing arms in during discussions.
    Matching and mirroring is nowadays taught in almost all the sales training sessions.

  6. Interesting find. I agree; emulating the same gestures and mannerisms can be a key way to establish a level understanding with someone. However, This must be taken with an once of salt -- Don't be gravy -- a yes man that simply agrees and goes along with everything. Nothing is worse than someone nodding in agreement when the actually have no clue. It must be authentic and provide additional stimulus to the conversation.

  7. Very true, and I think this applies to online communications as well.

    * How do they open their email message?
    Dear [you]:
    Hi [you]!
    Hi [you],
    Hi,
    [you] - [message]
    [message]
    etc.

    * How do they close their email message?
    Regards, [name]
    Regards,
    [name]
    Best regards,
    [name]
    - [name]
    -- [name]
    etc.

    * Do they have a signature block? If they do, how big?

    All of those clues give you an idea about how they view you and what they feel is appropriate. You can learn a lot about strangers (even friends) who have sent you a message by noticing the etiquette they use in email. By this version of mirroring, I think you make people more comfortable - if you want to make them more comfortable.

  8. These are all great ways to use mirroring; that's something I've taught my communication students for years. The funny thing is that for a long time I felt like I was teaching manipulation, and now I see it as making an effort to connect more closely to a person. Maybe like everything else, your intention behind mirroring is what makes it work or not. I thought Susan's tip on applying mirroring to email was especially insightful.

  9. Interesting post and something I've tried in the past.

    Here is a challenge though:

    But, what about being the authentic you?

    I have a VERY hard time not being me.

    And altering my general mannerisms to match someone else just isn't in my DNA.

    Also, I would hope nobody does it to me (meaning alter themselves to be more like me).

    Just my .02 or .03 cents.

  10. Thanks for all the great tips! I know a little bit about mirroring but have never given it that much thought. Those are really great observations; I'll have to try them out sometime.

  11. Interesting read. I have read about this before in NLP books and so on. I always found it interesting that I tend to mirror people automatically. It is just something I have always done. I also have a relatively easy time making friends and connecting with new people I meet. Only recently did I make the connection between the 2.

    My wife does this even better than me. We were talking about this last week. When she was 19 or 20, she went to the midwest US for a retreat (we are from Central Ontario north of Toronto). She was only there for a couple of weeks and came back with a very noticeable midwest US accent. It was hilarious. But I think its partly her built in mirroring system.

    I also know people who have no concept of mirroring and it can be quite awkward when they meet someone who is a totally personality type.

  12. The puhcarses I make are entirely based on these articles.

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