Are Your Poor Listening Skills Hurting Your Career?

Posted on January 26th, 2010 by Keith Ferrazzi

listeningFailing to listen well is rude. I don't care whether you're talking to the Queen of England or your intern. It very loudly communicates, Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. And as a master relationship builder, it's your job to care.

Ready to assess how well you listen? My colleague Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, has four categories for how we listen, the Four R’s: removed, reactive, responsible, and receptive listening.

Here's the breakdown:

1.   Removed listening is just what it sounds like: removed.   It’s the kind of listening you do when you’re actually engaged in something else, like using your BlackBerry.  You may parrot back what I’ve said, but you aren’t really paying attention.  You’re mind is elsewhere and you risk letting me feel like I’m being ignored or like what I say doesn’t mean anything to you.  It’s a lot like talking over someone else’s words in a conversation—but in this case you’re “listening over” my words.

2.   With reactive listening, you’re being somewhat more attentive than removed, but still not wholly attentive. If I ask you a question, you reply with a straightforward answer but not a lot of thought. You’ve heard me, but you aren’t really mulling over what I’ve said.  Reactive listening takes away from the value of our conversation.

3.    You engage in responsible listening when you not only react to what I have said but reply with further action or elaboration. Responsible listening is the basis of all good conversations.  It’s the equivalent of talking with someone, as opposed to talking at them or over them.

4.    Receptive listening is the deepest form of listening. With this kind of listening, you let me know that you empathize fully with what I have to say, and are trying to feel what I am feeling. This is the level of listening we all want to achieve in sparring.  Receptive listening conveys generosity and respect.

Relationship masters should spend most of their time being responsible and receptive listeners and a lot less time being removed or reactive listeners.

Feel like you don’t have enough time to be responsible or receptive?

Then a) consider having the conversation later, b) explaining the situation and asking the person to bottom-line it for you, or c) realize how much time you’ll save in the long run by listening carefully the first time around and exercise some patience.

I’ll admit it: I’ve been called out for poor listening a few times in my life. (OK, maybe more than a few.) That’s why I always encourage my employees to tell me when I'm not in the zone. I so appreciate the opportunity to correct my behavior immediately.

Has someone called you out recently for “removed listening”? How did you react?

Send a trackback!
45 comments // In Communication
Bookmark and Share
« Previous Post Next Post »

45 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Working in sales real estate, listening is a priority especially when people are in trouble financially nowadays, good article!

  2. Great post, it sure gets you thinking for a while about yourself.
    I tend to be on all 4 levels depending on what I am doing at that given moment
    & with whom I am having a conversation & what the conversation is all about.

    At times mundane conversation bore me a lot, conversations have to inspire, motivate & transform me. I find when I am truly inspired I am totally present
    be it with my business associate, with my family or friends or a new person I have just met.

    My mind is extremely active & I believe listening is truly a skill.

    Your question in regards to "“removed listening”? How did you react?
    My reaction is simple: I judge myself for a while, work out what issue or trigger took place & then realize I should have been "fully present" to the conversation, as missed a great opportunity or opportunity for inner transformation.

    Most people are having a conversation with themselves, they are either in the past or in the future - not fully present to each moment.

    I agree with you
    Receptive Listening is the most powerful space to be in any given circumstance.

    On a totally a different note, Keith I sent you an email asking you if we can could speak ..never heard back from you!!! I want to show you something that will support your vision & work you doing here.

    Listen Listen Listen I have some thing to contribute to you Keith.

    Best
    Ashie

  3. Joseph Jones says:
    January 26, 2010 at 5:06 am
    Reply

    Important topic, Keith. This reminds me of the quote my daughter has at the end of her email - "Wherever you are, be all there." Tough for busy people to do, but so necessary. For those who practice positive self-talk, just add this to your daily routine - "I am a great listener. I focus intently on the other person in every conversation."

  4. Zack Gleason says:
    January 26, 2010 at 5:25 am
    Reply

    Listening is critical in places that an untrained person thinks they need to be doing most the talking, i.e. being interviewed for a job, making a sale, or touting an idea. I can't remember where I heard this (maybe in Keith's book) but the saying was, if your being interviewed and the interviewer does most or all of the talking then you know they liked you. I love it when I'm in a conversation that I would be expected to do the talking and other person jumps in and positively starts rambling away, I know I have their interest at that point and their focus.

  5. Fantastic article. To be fully engaged in a conversation, I do my best listening not only with my ears but with eye contact and body language. The ability to participate in receptive listening is not only proper but a must for generating mutual respect.

  6. Nice post Keith,

    Listening is perhaps the skill in building relationships. Think back to the person you fell in love with. Do you remember how you felt when they deeply listened to you and asked questions to get to know you? How did they respond when you listened deeply?

    Receptive is being engaged and being open to be influenced. When you listen this way you build strong win win relationships.

    Take Good Care,

    John

  7. Well said and important reminder for me. So easy to lose track and miss how am I really listening. Will print out and share with my clients as well Keith. Thanks.

  8. I'm told I'm a good listener. I must be receptive since everyone seems comfortable confiding in me. My secret is that I'm genuinely interested in what they have to say (except for perhaps one percent). My favorite quote is, "You learn more with your mouth closed than with your mouth open."

    Excellent post Keith; could you teach this to political talk show participants?

  9. Hi Keith

    This is a great post. One that goes unnoticed time and time again. Being engaged in the moment really helps one with true listening. It takes time to stop the old mechanical behaviors of finishing sentences, or having your mind already giving a point of view.
    True listening to me is the ability of listening to another from their point of view and digesting the information before formulating a response.

    Warmly
    Tricia Dycka

  10. Hi keith,
    I appreciate your expressed desire for us all to improve our listening.
    The only aspect that was not helpful for me was the 'should' and the 'responsible'
    They both have a scent of moralism and compliance, which I imagine is the opposite place that you are wanting to suggest we listen from.

    • Marina,

      I don't get that sense at all and a little compliance would do most of us some good.
      WE do need to have norms so that chaos will not envelope our society.

      I am sorry, but I think you are over-reacting to the intent.

      Thanks!

  11. Thank you for the post. It was very timely. I have the horrible habit of interrupting people who are talking to me. Not everyone, mind you, just those that I care about the most: my partner and our children. I realize that interrupting is not only rude and says, "I don't care," when, in fact, I DO. So, I've asked my family (kids included -- they're honest!) to call me on the times I interrupt. Most of the time, it's when I'm as excited about what they're talking about as they are! So, I am working at talking with them as if they were a client or a person I was interviewing: with my full attention. I actually hear what the members of my family are saying and they know that I consider them important - a win all around.

  12. Keith, is this the best you can do?
    Almost any credible leader could identify what you just did? That is only half the battle.
    What you need to focus more on is how to remedy the issues listed.

    There is no "meat" to this idea. Let's dig a little deeper and see how we might make some meaningful change to not only identify listening weakness, but also talk about ways to modify and eliminate these problems.

    Thanks

  13. I just caught this little study on my Facebook page pertaining to romantic relationships. I expect it also pertains (with slight adjustments to the wording of course!) to business relationships.

    How do you know if they’re the one?
    68% He/she is a good listener
    12% He/she is hot!
    20% He/she is a great kisser

    My business partner calls me out every time I'm in the zone. Thanks to your reminder I will become more aware of my reaction (a physical pulling back and defensiveness) and bring myself back gently and kindly to the moment.

    Thanks for the morning wisdom!

  14. Truly listening to people, as at the deepest level you describe, is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give to others, too. We're really giiving the gift of "being" with them. Makes the world better, too.

  15. I have noticed a habit, among my fellow lawyers, of interrupting our clients to drill down for the "legally relevant" facts. Often people need a chance to tell their story even when much of it does not hold many relevant details.

    I schedule extra time with new clients for them to get their story out. Once people feel heard then the factual details will flow more easily. There is less need for my clients to stop and put facts into context when they feel that I know something about them.

    This conversation time lets them get to know me and to get comfortable sharing details of their lives. This is particularly true if I have held up my end of the conversation.

    Letting them tell their story clears the way for the factual conversation. Sometimes I must interrupt if time is short. I have learned to ask permission to get to the facts in those cases.

  16. Dan, that's a fair comment. Giving the people around you permission to correct your behavior is huge though - don't underestimate the difference it can make. But watch for a follow up here Thurs or soon. I have an exercise we use for behavioral change in corporate engagements that could be helpful.

  17. Betsy - isn't it funny that we're defensive, or maybe most defensive, when we know the person is right? Sounds like you've got a good business partnership - a candid one.

  18. Quality listening is truly money in the relationship bank. As a small business owner I can testify to this. When you're able to truly understand your client then they're willing to overlook some small mistakes here and there, minor delays, etc.

  19. Great way to excersize your skills of listening. I love to listen to others and learn. This is a great post. Thanks Keith.
    I will use these ideas with my clients and associates.
    Love the earlier quote "Where ever you Are, Be all There"
    Sincerelym,
    Carrie

  20. Great article. I seldom get called on listening, but I believe it's because I began my career as a counselor and listening was considered an essential job skill. This does not appear to be so in so many other professions. I meet lots of entrepreneurs and managers who need work on listening (and other soft skills) because these are the often ignored areas in traditional schooling and professional training. Naturally I offer training and coaching in these areas...but people are reluctant to admit problems in these skills...hope your article opens eyes--and ears.

  21. I have an ex-boss who is a great listener. The visitor's chair in his office was always filled. Everyone wanted to share with him because they knew he really listened. And how did I know he listened? Weeks after a conversation, he would refer back to something I had said. Real listening means digesting and retaining what people say. It also makes them feel valued.

    Even now, if I have a problem, I'll call him because I know that he'll really listen, get to the root of it and help me.

  22. Busted!

    I've spent years teaching sales people how to be more receptive and responsive.

    But, how many times have I done reactive listening with my kids or husband?

    Funny how we do it when we know our business is on the line, yet when it comes to our personal relationships, we're less intentional.

    When in truth, our personal relationships are on the line everyday. It's all those little acts of attention that add up to the larger whole, they determine how people feel about us, and how they feel when they're with us.

    Note to self - be more intentional with my own family.

  23. There is nothing that frustrates me more than having someone reading/writing on her Blackberry while she is talking to me. Then when they say "What did you say?" It truly puts me over the top.

    Yup---we gotta get this bad habit under control some how.

    Kathy Condon, Executive Coach, Professional Speaker and an Award-winning Author of the book: It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: It's all about Communication.
    http://www.kathycondons.blogspot.com

  24. Keith,
    Thanks for the reminder about Listening - one of the most important and underused communication skills. And I think Dr. Mark Goulston's 4 categories are helpful - I suspect most of us try to "get by" with removed listening. When I teach listening, I ask "when was the last time anyone REALLY listened to you?" and unfortunately, most people can't remember the last time...

    Here's a listening tip (from my blog) that I like to use:

    2. Beware your filters. In order to manage the information overload that bombards us daily, we all use selective attention, or filters, to decide what is important and what we should pay attention to. Filters help us survive, but we have to be careful about how we develop them because bias and stereotypes can creep in and become barriers to communication. Any time you make an "always" or "never" statement, or automatically agree or disagree with someone because of what you think you know about them, or people like them, you are losing out on a chance to listen and learn. Filters like "IT people never deliver projects on time" or "Engineers always make things too complicated" or "_______________ [fill in the blank with any category or group of people] always/never…" shut down our listening and get in the way of true communication.
    (excerpted from http://gildabonanno.blogspot.com/2009/04/5-more-ways-to-be-better-listener.html)

  25. I had a client come through for the second time 5-years the wiser. I kept trying to be heard and the gift he gave me was is this comment.
    "Alan you are incredible yet you are not listening that is not who you are II want XXXXX and you want to be right. I expect more from you!"
    What a beautiful gift

  26. Listening is a skill I constantly work at. As a negotiator, I know that others will be more open to persuasion if I've listened to them first. As a mediator, I've learned that everyone wants to feel heard and respected. Here's a post I wrote about "out-listening": http://civilnegotiation.com/2008/06/negotiation-persuasion-through-out.html
    Thanks, as always, for your insights, Keith.
    Best,
    Nancy

  27. I stand convicted...of not being in the moment when talking to people...just a minute, gotta answer my cell and someone twittered...What were you saying?

  28. Keith,

    Thank you for bringing attention to the importance of listening in business, in your career and in life.

    Since the work of mine that you have so generously referenced, I have discovered an even deeper level of listening. That is when you get into the listening of the other person. For example if a person agrees with you from their rational mind, but fails to go along with what they've agreed to, it's because they are listening in their mind to their deep fears of making a mistake. When you can listen for that and have people share what those fears are and also tell you about the events that caused them to be so fearful and allow people to express those fears, they will dissipate and they will open their minds to you.

    Thanks for listening.

  29. Hi Keith, Excellent post on the four types of listening. I especially like what to say/do to avoid falling into the 'removed' and 'reactive' listening. I have been teaching people-skills like listening and communication especially to customer service professionals for over 20 years.
    In that profession listening is the most important customer service skill and yet it is clearly the least developed in many call centers today. They are so busy running through their scripts they come across as uncaring because the customer perceives they are not listening. Ditch the scripts and get back to listening!

    I will RT this post on Twitter. Also, here is a post on related people-skills that you and your readers might like for a new year of relationship success:
    http://katenasser.com/soft-skills-employers-need-3-solid-steps/

    Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

  30. BrianTelford says:
    January 27, 2010 at 6:48 am
    Reply

    Covey's 5th habit: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood"

  31. As someone who researches and writes extensively about presenting and public speaking, this is a very interesting point of view. I normally view things from the speaker-out. This viewpoint is from audience-out. Very refreshing.

    Speaking, communicating, presenting - they're all a conversation. Very rarely does one-way communication work. Thus we must be actively aware as both a speaker and a listener as to how engaged/engaging we are. Nobody is a perfect listener, and some times we (as the audience) can zone out, but I don't put all the responsibility on the listener. It's up to the speaker as well to ensure that they're making a conscious effort to engage the listener.

    Great post!

    -Jon

  32. Effective listening is indeed a skill that can be learned, practiced and perfected. I received my first active listening skills training as a marketing representative at IBM and have had many years and thousands of live, face-to-face customer interactions to build - and maintain - these skills.

    The proliferation of virtual teams and practices like conference calling has created new barriers to active listening. Think about the last remote team tele-meeting you were on and all the keyboard clattering you heard while the team leader was talking. Kinda like texting while driving - not as dangerous but just as distracting!

    Then I started thinking about the generations of kids whose primary interactions with friends, family and business associates are text-based via email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Are they really listening to each other - or to us? Do we need to develop a new set of listening skills to compensate for this headlong rush toward non-verbal, text-oriented messaging?

    And do we need to get better at moving the conversation from the PC or handheld to a real across-the-desk meeting? I sincerely think so.

    -Dean

  33. I actually took a listening class with my board chair on Valentine's Day 2008. It was a good class. A few of the most important things I learned is that you need to be
    1. Not doing anything else while you listen to someone
    2. Showing them you're giving them your full attention. Turning your body towards them.
    3. Giving them eye contact to show you are fully present.
    4. Nodding to encourage them to continue.

  34. Keith,
    I find myself at a point in my life that I am trying to concentrate on my listening skills. For the last thirteen years, I have worked within my company starting at a young age and working my way up to a managerial level. My position has remained consistent since 2003, and I believe my arrogance has caught up with me. I love what I do. I have great relationships with some great customers, but they are not the people that can help me reach my future goals. I work in a sales related company. My position has evolved from my relationships and success within the metro NY area. I am what you would call an innovator. For years I have been creating and researching new outlets for development within our sales department. I have become very knowledgeable over the years and I believe it has just clouded my memory somewhat on how I got to where I am at. I started out as a salesman in 1998, being aggressive on the streets. I was not afraid to uncover sales in any facet. I remember meeting customers at night in their living rooms over dinner. I really built a name for my willingness to build relationships within all demographics of the city. Today, I have worked myself into a position away from what I do best. I do not make the connections as I have in the past. I guess I have turned into a bit of a know it all at my company. My listening skills have really suffered. I recently have returned to school. I am 33 today, and am working towards taking my skills back onto the streets. I have enjoyed nothing more than to help all the business owners develop their businesses. I believe with a more rounded education, I may have the ability to entertain a position within a larger company that can exercise my abilities more extensively. Today, I am spending much of my free time communicating with my old contacts. I am creating new flames with old friends. Since reading your first book, I have realized two important things in my life. First, is that I am not listening as well as I have in the past. Second, is that I need more in my life than my current career. I want to reach back out into the community were I developed all my skills and continue to interact with as many business owners as I can. I love the engagement between the minds. It has always intrigued me to find the solutions that hold business owners back from becoming more successful within their own businesses. I have worked very hard over the past eight years to live a successful life. I am just not living an en-joyful one. I am currently seeking my graduate degree. If there is any recommendations you may have on how I may better prepare myself to enter a larger company as a consultant, I would be greatly appreciative.

  35. Art of listening

    While student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I became friends with Carl Rogers, who was respected as one of the leading psychotherapists of his time. He taught me much about the art of listening.

    Dr. Rogers said that when we listen, and people know we are listening, it shows we truly care about them. In turn, they will respond by caring about you. It opens communication and also opens hearts. When we accept them as a person, unconditionally, they will be more kind to you.

    We should listen without preconceptions, without anticipation and without judgement if we want others to portray what they truly feel. We listen with all our senses, not just to the words which are said. Some people cannot fully express themselves while speaking, so we must try to see them as they see themselves. We should watch for non-verbal clues as to what they really mean: facial expressions, body movements, etc.

    While we should show positive regard for the other person, we should also demonstrate our own positive self-regard. We do not react to their negative comments, verbally or physically, even when we disagree with them. When they do ask for our opinion, however, we should respond with our true thoughts and in specifics rather than generalities. We offer our own perspective as other options rather than as contradictions.

    Learning to listen aided me greatly in my later career in sales management. When you know what your clients need and what they want, how their previous experiences have formed their judgement, you can better relate your own (airline or hotel) services to meet their requirements and desires. Showing that you care about them indicates that you will care about the people who they will book with your company. I tried to teach my sales representatives that what the customer says is more important than what they say. Empathy for others can lead to success for them.

    Listening might seem quite passive as opposed to speaking. It is actually very active. To paraphrase Bobby Kennedy, "I learn while listening. When I talk I don't learn too much." If you think talking helps to spread your own wisdom, you are not really wise.

  36. Great article! Random comment: It's hard to listen when someone talks too much. If you listen to everything they say you begin to enable them. Maybe a whole other piece should be about how to practice selective listening :)

  37. Mindy Wallace says:
    July 7, 2010 at 6:40 pm
    Reply

    This was an eye opener. I am one of the listeners that pretends to be listening even though I am usually thinking about a thousand other things. When I do this it is not because I don't think I need to listen but usually because so many people bother me when they ask too many questions that everyone else has already asked.
    My director at work does suggest that I listen more and quit being the first one to respond or interrupt someone to give my opinion.

  38. I am very thankful to this topic because it really gives useful information ,;'

  39. Thank you, I have just been looking for information about this subject for ages and yours is the best I've discovered so far. But, what concerning the conclusion? Are you sure in regards to the supply?

Leave a Reply