Get Great Feedback – It Hurts So Good
Meghna heads up the High Impact Teams consulting practice at Ferrazzi Greenlight with Keith. She is based in New York City. If you have questions or want to increase your team's impact, contact her at mmajmudar at ferrazzigreenlight dot com.
In the past week, I’ve asked a couple of close friends for a very difficult piece of feedback: Why am I having such a hard time meeting someone special? What could I be doing differently?
I wanted the truth - and boy did they give it to me!
And it stung. However, about 3 seconds after hearing the feedback, the sting wore off and I knew what I had to do differently. It would have been hard to swallow the feedback if ... well, if it wasn’t so right. I implemented some changes immediately and saw results.
I've asked for this kind of feedback before, but this is the first time I got real feedback, not feel-good cliches. What did I do differently?
1. I sought feedback without pre-judging the answer: Some of the feedback I had heard before, but this time I didn’t try to deny it. I just accepted it as objectively true, though my experience may have felt different. When we coach our clients on listening to difficult feedback, we tell them that the only correct answer is thank you and then you decide whether to act on what was said
2. I created an environment where candid feedback could be shared: I asked the question with an action-oriented mindset. I let it be known that I was going to move on their advice quickly, and I would not breakdown - so they felt comfortable giving me the real deal.
3. I chose people who are as committed to my success as I am: These were friends who want the same thing for me as I do – they won’t let me fail and I know they totally have my back! So I felt safe to really hear their advice, and act.
Have you recently received good feedback, acted on it, and got results?
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Keith Ferrazzi is an expert on relationship development, a world-renowned speaker and the #1 New York Times Bestselling author of Never Eat Alone and Who's Got Your Back.-
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Great post, Meghna, thanks! Your first point reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my college professors. I asked her for help after a lecture b/c I was having a hard time understanding the material. But each time I asked a question, I would interrupt her attempt to answer and try to answer it myself (because I didn't want her to think I was stupid of course!). Finally, she stopped me and said, "look, do you want my help or not? You don't seem ready to listen to anything I might offer you...".
Snap! It really hit home with me, and I always remember that interaction when asking someone for advice/input/feedback. Kind of relates to one of your previous posts about working with mentors - the key element of success are getting in a state of openness, communicating your intent to listen/learn and act on the feedback, and being vulnerable enough to admit you don't have all the answers.
Good topic that got my reflecting on how I can seek feedback more regularly and effectively - thanks!
Good reminder to thank those who have the courage to be real with us. We often like people who say nice things but don't tell us what we need to know. But for me, it's those who tell me what might be hard to hear who are my true supporters. Thank you for the post!
Hi, I enjoy this blog and visit it at least weekly. But PLEASE REMOVE THAT "POP-UP" requesting people's email addresses. i eventually signed up thinking it'd go away (you know, web cookies) but obviously that isn't in effect and it is just damned annoying bc it actually covers up part of your content.
Meghna, Yes, it's good to get honest feedback, even if it hurts. However, we need to keep in mind it's not necessarily "true." Nothing is really true in relationships. It's just our projections and perceptions. What I have found is that criticism and judgements often illustrate as much about the sender. Our criticisms are often projections of things we are not happy in ourselves that are being triggered by something we see in others. I like to use the term "you spot it, you got it." Be careful about accepting someone's unfinished business and projections as the "truth.' There may truth in it, but don't believe everything you hear! Thanks.
Years ago I had problems with my self-esteem and I attended a weekly workshop conducted by my close friends. There a person has to stand on podium and face honest criticisms from audiences most of whom were my friends. I didnt realize many things I was doing like I was slouching, voice was weak etc. I took steps to rectify it and four years down the road I am different person completely.
One more thing to note is to take every advice with a grain of salt especially if it comes from non-experts. I dont shy from asking honest feedbacks from experts who can help me rectify many flaws and reduce the learning curve.
Meghna, a very interesting post, thank u. Undoubtedly, one has not only be open to criticism but create an environment for a candid feedback (Keith). Nevertheless, it is essential to be able to perceive the objectivity of the feedback, to enable you to decide whether to act on it or not. I am quite sold to Leo's, "you spot, you got it."