Pinging - a quick check in via email or text - is an invaluable tool to keep yourself on the radar of the people who you care about. Sometimes pinging needs to be one-on-one to build the relationship. Other times you can SCALE your outreach, sending a message to multiple contacts.

Group pings are a recommended practice, provided that you don’t make the NUMBER ONE MISTAKE IN PINGING: Lack of transparency! Don’t try to mask a group email as a one-on-one communication. Always be completely clear who’s receiving your message. That doesn't mean you should cc everyone; always be careful to keep other’s emails private by using bcc, with your own email in the "To" line. Just make the fact that you're writing to a group clear in your writing.

A couple more rules to make sure that your scaled pings are building the relationship, not damaging it:

•    Make sure the message is of interest to everyone who gets it
•    Balance this less personal outreach with a level of one on one contact appropriate to the relationship

BTW, pinging is covered in an entire course in my Relationship Masters Academy, launching soon.

Have you ever accidentally made a pinging faux pas? - or been on the receiving end of one?

2 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

We're all looking for an edge to create loyal customers, clients, and fans. So let me put some currency in your pocket.

Build better business relationships using this mantra:
Find a Way to Help, Find a Way to Care.

People always ask me “but how?” The quick and dirty answer is, "Ask them!" But to provide some structure and help get you thinking proactively, I’ve broken relationship currency – that is, forms of generosity that you can use in building business relationships – into three categories, what I call the Generosity Pyramid.

1.   Universal currency: This refers to our innate human ability to connect to others. We can all embrace intimacy with another human being by listening, empathizing and caring. We can all become the colleague who blocks off that extra time to fetch a cup of coffee or who connects more deeply with a client, customer, employee or peer. Sensitivity, charm, the ability to crack a good joke — we’ve all got universal currency to develop and share. Universal currency also includes encouragement.

2.    Professional Currency: First, this is knowledge of your product and your ability to connect your product and benefits to issues the client deals with. But it is important to understand that any product or service you offer is only one piece of the broader, full-service solution for your target’s business.  So the other aspect of professional currency is providing useful assistance to help a person’s career.

3.    Personal Currency:  This is the pinnacle of the pyramid - the most powerful form of currency. To discover your personal currency, don’t look inside — that’s too hard for many people. Instead, look outward. Personal currency requires discovering what others need to be happy, then figuring out what you can do to get them there. It could be your professional expertise, your problem-solving ability, your network of relationships, your black belt in judo or simply your unfaltering optimism. The secret to optimizing personal currency is to establish a close enough relationship with others so that they’re willing to share their deepest-felt dreams and aspirations with you, along with the issues that are holding them back.

Developing currency is one of the skills we’ll be teaching in my online Relationship Masters Academy, coming this Spring! Want to get on the list for information and free resources? Sign up here.

Can you think of a time when, in a professional context, you've helped someone with a deeply personal goal or challenge? Please share!

14 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else. - e. e. cummings.

I don’t care how good you are: If you’re in sales, you struggle with approach anxiety. There's been a time where you've psyched yourself out of a successful meeting because of self-doubt.

And we’re all in sales, whether you’re selling paperclips, companies, or ideas. Are you dating? You’re in sales too!

Here’s a five minute mental routine that you can use before calls, meetings, networking events, and presentations to calm your anxiety, get yourself grounded and ready to be your best self.

1.   Create an authentic environment around you. How? Take a deep breath. Relax. Prepare to let the other person see who you are and what you have to offer—your concern, your interest, your passion, your intelligence, your skill. Listen to that authentic inner voice. Meditate for several minutes or just take a few deep breaths.

2.    Suspend your prejudice. This is a mindset shift. Prepare to walk into every situation with as few assumptions as possible. Look for ways to express your interest in and concern for the other person. It means opening your mind to the possibility that the person or people you’re meeting are individuals you could care about.

3.   Project the positive. Once you’ve found your inner voice and know you’re speaking authentically, from there it’s a simple step to projecting positive feelings onto other people—the kinds of feelings that will help to bridge the gap between you and establish a welcoming, safe environment for the other person. Expect the best!

Take five minutes to walk through these three steps before your meeting or event. Bring a cheat sheet if it helps!

Does anyone already use deep breathing or meditation as a way to calm anxiety? I want to hear your experience.

36 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

Happiness never decreases by being shared. – Siddharta

Joyce Werwie Perry, Business Lunch - from le-poire.com

If you want to have a meeting that stands out as the BEST thing that happened to that person that day, you can’t wait until the appointed hour to get the relationship building in motion.  You need to set the environment in advance. Here’s three ways to do that.

1.    Send a friendly email the day before. Tell them how much your looking forward to meeting them. Even better, share a relevant news story or quote you came across – if you’ve done your homework, you already have a good idea if it will interest the person.

2.   Offer to get Starbucks on your way – for the admin, too. Make it casual: “I’m getting coffee and thought since I’m on my way, I could bring something for you and Jennifer too.” And make sure you get the order right!

3.    Get them away from their desk. See if they’ll take the meeting outside of their office – if they don’t want to go offsite, even downstairs in the company canteen is an improvement from them on one site of the desk, you on the other. I’ve studied this carefully and can tell you: There is a direct relationship between someone’s proximity to their desk and their willingness to act like an a#$hole. If you can get them outside, you’re almost guaranteed better behavior.

How do you prime the pump for building business relationships?

8 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

SPECIAL NOTE: If you didn't catch Thursday's post about the wingman who saved Waldo Waldman's butt in combat in the blue skies over Yugoslavia, check it out! Now THAT's trust.

Throwing a holiday party can transform your experience of the season. It’s hard to be a Scrooge while creating an evening to remember – and then enjoying it with happy, heart-warmed guests.

Nervous about your hosting skills? Relief is here: Check out our new FREE Holiday Party Guide. Advice, tactical cues, cost-cutters, as well as instant motivation to create events that truly capture the incredible relationship-building opportunity of the season. With a little planning, you can invite casual acquaintances into your home and have them leave poised to become trusting friends and allies in 2010.

To get warmed up, here’s five of the Nine Steps to a Holiday Dinner that Will Put You on the Map – you’ll find the rest in the free guide.

1. Create a theme.
There’s no reason that even a small holiday dinner party shouldn’t have a theme. One simple idea can help you pull the food and atmosphere together. You can build a party around anything, really. It could be your mother’s meatloaf recipe, black tie (used rarely, as we want people to be totally comfortable), vegan food, specific music—whatever you like. People will get jazzed when they know you’re being creative.

Yes, “holiday party” can be a theme of its own, and often is. But why not get more specific  so that your event and invite are the most unique and intriguing of the season?   Read more →

8 comments // In Business Networking, Relationship Development Skills

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
- Oscar Wilde

When it comes to making an impression, differentiation is the name of the game. Confound expectation. Shake it up. How?

Small talk experts claim that when you first meet a person, you should avoid unpleasant, overly personal, and highly controversial issues.

Wrong! Don’t listen to these people! Nothing has contributed more to the development of boring chitchatters everywhere. The notion that everyone can be everything to everybody at all times is completely off the mark. Personally, I’d rather be interested in
what someone was saying, even if I disagreed, than be catatonic any day.

There’s one guaranteed way to stand out in the professional world: Be yourself. I believe that vulnerability—yes, vulnerability—is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today. Too many people confuse secrecy with importance. Business schools teach us to keep everything close to our vest. But the world has changed. Power, today, comes from sharing information, not withholding it. More than ever, the lines demarcating the personal and the professional have blurred. We’re an open-source society, and that calls for open-source behavior. And as a rule, not many secrets are worth the energy required to keep them secret.

Being up front with people confers respect; it pays them the compliment of candor. The issues we all care most about are the issues we all want to talk about most. Of course,this isn’t a call to be confrontational or disrespectful. It’s a call to be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to genuinely allow other people into your life so that they can be vulnerable in return.

How many negotiations would have ended better if both parties involved were simply honest and forthright about their needs? Even when there is disagreement, I’ve found people will respect you more for putting your cards on the table.

Whether at the negotiating table or at the dinner table, our penchant for inhibition creates a psychological barrier that separates us from those we’d like to know better. When we leave a formal, hesitant, and uncomfortable conversation where we’ve held back our true selves, we console ourselves by dismissing the encounter, or more often the person, by thinking, “We had nothing in common anyway.”

But the truth is everyone has something in common with every other person. And you won’t find those similarities if you don’t open up and expose your interests and concerns, allowing others to do likewise.

Bonus: Once you know heartfelt candor is more effective than canned quips in starting a meaningful conversation, the idea of “breaking the ice” becomes easy. Too many of us believe “breaking the ice” means coming up with a brilliant, witty, or extravagantly insightful remark - we think we need to be Jay Leno or Jon Stewart. We don’t. When you realize the best icebreaker is a few words from the heart, you’ve got everything you need.

Question: What makes small talk hard for you?

9 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

For all the sheer delight and good times a dinner party can impart, some people still seem to think it’s too hard, too time-consuming. The only image they have of a dinner party is of those grandly ornate occasions glamorized by Martha Stewart. Maybe those female-hosted TV shows are, perhaps, another reason why men, in particular, have forgotten the virtues of hosting a simple dinner gathering. They think it’s feminine. But trust me, guys, you can serve a fine meal in your home and still be masculine—and, if you’re single, it will do a world of good for your dating lives.

You see, there’s only one real rule to these get-togethers: Have fun. All right, there are a few other rules that might help you along the way. Among them:

1. Create a theme.
There is no reason that a small dinner party should not have a theme. One simple idea can help you pull the food and atmosphere together. You can build a party around anything, really. It could be your mother’s meatloaf recipe, a holiday, black tie (used rarely, as we want people to be totally comfortable), vegan food, specific music—whatever you like. People will get jazzed when they know you’re being creative.

2. Use invitations.
While I’m all for slapdash impromptu parties, the dinner parties that will be most successful will be those you’ve devoted some time and energy to. Whether by phone, e-mail, a web site like punchbowl.com, or handwritten note, be sure to get your invites out early—at least a month in advance—so people can have a chance to plan accordingly—and so you’ll know who is and who is not coming.

3. Don’t be a kitchen slave.
There’s no sense in a party being all work. If you can’t hire a caterer, either cook all the food ahead of time or just use takeout. If the food is good and the presentation snazzy, your guests will be impressed. The key to low-budget dinner parties is to keep it simple. Make one large dish, like a stew or chili that can be prepared a day or two ahead of time. Serve it with great bread and salad. That’s all you need.

4. Create atmosphere.
Make sure to spend an hour or two gussying up your place.Nothing expensive or out of the ordinary, mind you. Candles, flowers, dim lighting, and music set a good mood. Add a nice centerpiece to the dinner table. Get a young family member to walk around
serving drinks if you don’t have a bartender or waiter. The point is to give your guests all the signals they need to understand that it’s time to enjoy.

5. Forget being formal.
Most dinner parties don’t call for anything fancy. Follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Silly). Good food. Good people. Lots of wine. Good conversation. That’s a successful dinner party. I always underdress just so no one else feels they did. Jeans and a jacket are my standard fare, but you judge for yourself.

6. Don’t seat couples together.
The essence of a good dinner party lies in seating everyone properly. If you seat couples together, things can get boring. Mix and match, putting people together who don’t know each other but perhaps share an interest of some kind. I like to set placeholders where I want people to sit. Each placeholder is a simple card with the guest’s name on it. If I have the time, I love to put an interesting question or joke on the back of the card that guests can use to break the ice with one another. Or you can go out and buy funny greeting cards just to make things interesting.

7. Relax.
Guests take their cues from the host—if you’re having fun, odds are that they will, too. The night of the party, your job is to enjoy all the fruits of your labor. That’s an order.

Anyone have a completely idiot-proofed recipe with a high wow-factor to share?

8 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

The true art of memory is the art of attention. - Samuel Johnson

These days we’re overwhelmed with information. So when you’re trying to create a new relationship, what does it take to break through the white noise of information overload?

Becoming front and center in someone’s mental Rolodex is contingent on one invaluable little concept: repetition. Here are four rules of thumb to engage your personal VIPs and then keep them interested.

1. People you’re contacting to create a new relationship need to see or hear your name in at least three modes of communication—by, say, an e-mail, a phone call, and a face-to-face encounter—before there is substantive recognition.
2. Once you have gained some early recognition, you need to nurture a developing relationship with a phone call or e-mail at least once a month.
3. If you want to transform a contact into a friend, you need a minimum of two face-to-face meetings out of the office.
4. Maintaining a secondary relationship requires two to three pings a year.

Using the above rules should give you an idea of what it’ll take to keep your own network humming. I make dozens of phone calls a day. Most of them are simply quick hellos that I leave on a friend’s voice mail. I also send e-mail constantly. When it comes to relationship maintenance, I'm on my game 24/7, 365 days a year.

There’s no doubt you have to bring a certain vigor to this part of the system. But hey, this is just my way of doing things. You’ll figure out your own way. The governing principle here is repetition; get organized and find a way to ensure that you’ll contact people regularly without putting too much strain on your schedule.

Planes, trains and automobiles work for me, but that’s because I travel constantly. What’s your best time for dedicated pinging?

10 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

“The drops of rain make a hole in the stone not by violence but by oft falling.” - Lucretius

Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Then follow up.

The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all. Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers. The follow-up is the hammer and nails of your networking tool kit. In fact, FOLLOW-UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD.

Making sure a new acquaintance retains your name (and the favorable impression you’ve created) is a process you should set in motion right after you’ve met someone.

Why go to all the trouble of meeting new people if you’re not going to work on making them a part of your life? Give yourself between twelve and twenty-four hours after you meet someone to follow up. If you meet somebody on a plane, send them an e-mail later that day. If you meet somebody over cocktails, send them an e-mail the next morning.

Some tips for flawless follow-up:

1. Put the name and e-mail address of a new acquaintance in your database and program your calendar to remind you in a month’s time to drop the person another e-mail, just to keep in touch.
2. Remember—and this is critical—your follow up shouldn’t remind them of what they can do for you. It’s about what you might be able to do for them. It’s about giving them a reason to want to follow up.
3. Always express your gratitude.
4. Be sure to include an item of interest from your meeting or conversation—a joke or a shared moment of humor.
5. Reaffirm whatever commitments you both made—going both ways.
6. Be brief and to the point.
7. Always address the thank-you note to the person by name.
8. Use e-mail and snail mail. The combination adds a personalized touch.
9. Timeliness is key. Send them as soon as possible after the meeting or interview.
10. Many people wait until the holidays to say thank you or reach out. Why wait? Your follow-ups will be timelier, more appropriate, and certainly better remembered.
11. Don’t forget to follow up with those who have acted as the go between for you and someone else. Let the original referrer know how the conversation went, and express your appreciation for their help.

Make follow-up a habit. Make it automatic. When you do, the days of struggling to remember people’s names—and of other people struggling to remember yours—will be a thing of the past.

UPDATE: Jason Alba over at JibberJobber posted a video on how to use the JJ to carry about my follow up strategy! Check it out. I encourage people from Networking Hippo and the other sites mentioned to do the same.

37 comments // In Relationship Development Skills

The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends is, quite simply, to connect your circle with someone else’s. Politicians, the inveterate masters of networking, have exchanged their networks in this fashion for years. They have what are called “host committees,” groups of people hailing from different social worlds who are loyal to a specific politician and charged with introducing their candidate to their respective circle of friends. To my mind, it offers a great template for people looking to expand their own network.

Are there worlds you want more access to? If so, see if you can find a central figure within that world to act as your own one-person host committee. In a business context, say you plan on selling a new product that your company is introducing several months down the line, and most of your customers will be lawyers. Go to your personal lawyer, tell him about the product, and ask him or her if they’d be willing to come to a dinner with a few of their lawyer friends that you’d like to host. Tell them that not only will they get an early look at this fabulous new product, but they’ll have an opportunity to meet your friends, who could become potential clients. They’ll become responsible for holding events that will usher you into their group of friends. You’ll become responsible for doing the same for them.

This kind of partnering works wonderfully. But the underlying dynamic at work has to be mutual benefit. It should be a win-win for all involved.

If you are sharing someone else’s circle of friends, be sure that you adequately acknowledge the person who ushered you into this new world, and do so in all the subsequent connections that they helped foster. Never forget the person who brought you to the dance. Trust is integral to an exchange of networks that demands treating the other person’s contacts with the utmost respect.

As your community grows, partnering becomes more of a necessity. It becomes a matter of efficiency. One contact holds the key to maintaining all the other relationships in his or her network. He or she is the gatekeeper to a whole new world. You can meet dozens, even hundreds of other people through your relationship with one other key connector.

Two quick rules of thumb for network sharing:

1. You and the person you are sharing contacts with must be equal partners that give as much as they get.

2. You must be able to trust your partners because, after all, you’re vouching for them and their behavior with your network is a reflection on you.

A word of caution—never give any one person complete access to your entire list of contacts. This is not a free-for-all. You should be aware of who in your network is interested in being contacted and how. Exchanging contacts should take place around specific events, functions, or causes. Consider carefully how your partner wants to use your network and how you expect to use his. In this way, you’ll be more helpful to the other person, which is the kind of genuine reciprocity that makes partnering, and the world, work.

Image from amber online.

1 comment // In Relationship Development Skills