I was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. – John Keats
There are people who don't think twice about addressing a room full of new people, a table of potential clients, or an attractive single in a bar.
Then there are the rest of us. But in a world of relentless competition, you can't afford to let social anxiety hold you back. It's wasted opportunity. So what to do?
For many people, the fear of meeting others is closely tied to the fear of public speaking (a fear that consistently beats out death as the one thing we dread most). Some of the world’s most famous speakers admit to feeling similar anxiety. Marcus Buckingham, for example, who's addressed thousands as a speaker and millions as a guest on Oprah has said that he gets "throw-up nervous" before every engagement.
Try these three steps to tame your natural anxiety:
1. Acknowledge that your fear is perfectly normal. You are not alone – and fear is not an excuse for inaction.
2. Recognize that getting over that fear is critical to your success. The choice isn’t between success and failure; it’s between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.
3. Commit to getting better. How? Some ideas:
• Find a role model. Have your most gregarious friend wingman for you at a few events. Watch what they do, and over time, adopt their techniques as your courage builds.
• Learn to speak. Join an organization such as Toastmasters that gives you the chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment, with an instructor who can guide and push you.
• Get involved. You’ll feel most comfortable when you’re doing something you enjoy with others who share your enthusiasm. So become an active member in a club or organization, and ultimately take on a leadership role.
• Just do it. Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you’ve never spoken with. You’ll
find that it gets easier and easier with practice.
As you reach out to others, don’t worry about failure! As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, “Fail, fail again. Fail better.” Fear debilitates. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person—no matter how seemingly beyond your reach—becomes an opportunity to succeed.
What are your tried and true tricks to bust through nervousness while speaking to a group?
Greenlight Atlanta Leader Hammad Khan - on a roller coaster
Keith met Hammad Khan in Atlanta on the WGYB Tour - he heads up the Greenlight Community group there. We asked him to write up his story after he told Keith that by using the principles in NEA and WGYB, he had gone from being a newly-hired engineering co-op to leading one of the largest engineering teams in his organization. He also lost over forty pounds, can now run two miles in 13 minutes, and recently scored a 300/300 in the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT).
Here's his story.
How I Lost 40 Pounds and Met My Financial Goals with the Help of Lifelines and Others
By Hammad Khan
Like Keith, I grew up poor, and also like Keith, my parents worked as hard as they could to make sure I was in the best schools they could afford. Consequently, I put on blinders, worked as hard as I could, and focused on getting what everyone around me seemed to have: a house with 2.7 cars, a white picket fence, and a nice job.
About three years ago, I arrived. About two years ago, I realized that the hype may have been overstated.
The thing is, I define myself by my achievements. I’ve always been a ferociously goal-driven person. However, I didn’t have the framework to monitor progress or to think holistically about what goals would make me happy. The end result? Frustration.
For example, while working through school, I had focused on nothing outside getting The Grades, The Job, The House, The Car and The Life. I had sacrificed everything, including my health, in getting there. No problem, thought I: I’ll just set a goal to be in shape by such-and-such time. Accordingly, I would work out and diet, and after a week or so, I would get frustrated at the lack of results, and… stop. I would watch my deadline get bigger as it got closer, watch my pants get smaller, and get increasingly aggravated about how I couldn’t do anything about it.
As another example, I had ambitious financial goals, but they were formulated within the “get a good job” framework. As such, when the economy tanked and my pay was frozen, I saw my goal slink away, out of reach. The worst part, by far? I couldn’t do anything about it!
I really, really don’t react well to situations where I feel powerless -- goal-driven, achievement-oriented people rarely do. You wouldn’t believe the stress. I was in a place of absolute frustration, imprisoned by self-imposed helplessness, watching my financial and physical goals shrink further away. Steinbeck says, “Man is the only kind of varmint who sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it.” I sure felt like I had stepped in it.
About a year ago, I decided it was time to fix things. A mentor recommended Never Eat Alone. I picked up a copy, and couldn’t put it down. Not only did the book provide a framework for goal-setting and tracking, but if offered a novel idea so straightforward that I was annoyed I hadn’t thought of it myself: How about using one’s network to help?
The first part, as per Keith’s advice, was to set goals. That’s fine, I already had goals. Wait, no! I had goals with nebulous timeframes. Those aren’t goals. At best, they’re ambitious dreams; at worst, they are little more than wishful thinking.
That weekend, I took a few hours and distilled goals out of my dreams. I knew where I wanted to be in “about five years,” so that was easy enough to turn into a five-year goal. Then, working backwards from there, I got a three-year goal, and then a one-year goal. From a one-year goal, it was easy enough to build monthly and quarterly milestones.
That exercise complete, I looked proudly at the spreadsheet splayed out before me, and felt the warm thud of reality kick. By the end of the month, I needed to make about three times as much as I did, and I needed to be twice as healthy. D’oh.
Clearly, this wasn’t working. As tendrils of frustration tickled the base of my neck, I realized I was missing a piece: the Personal Board of Directors.
The next few months were difficult. I renewed relationships should never have let wither, and had difficult meetings with mentors and friends. Finally, I ended up with two groups of three people: one to help with financial goals, another to help with physical goals. (Discovering these friends was both challenging and rewarding, and could alone be the subject of a second article.)
Over coffee and snacks, we reviewed my goals. Entirely due to my little group of friends, I realized that my financial and physical goals were not out of reach at all. Because four heads are smarter than one, I realized that if anything, I had been too conservative. I just lacked the tools and the knowledge to achieve the goals I envisioned! My Board of Directors, however, was more than happy to show me the way. All I had to do was get the work done. Well, bring it on! I’ve never once been scared of work!
It’s been about a year since then. I’m in better shape than I have ever been in my life, and I’m on track to meet financial goals that just sixteen months ago I would have sworn were impossible. In the process, I’ve met friends and found mentors who will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Most importantly, the frustration, the poison that comes from feeling caged and helpless, is gone. When I feel those familiar tendrils of frustration tickle the base of my neck, when I get impatient, I just check The Plan. I’m usually where I need to be. If not, it’s just a small adjustment. Like Warren Buffett’s snowball, a small adjustment now results in a big change five years later.
It’s critical to realize that while I’m where I need to be, I didn’t get here by myself. In fact I simply couldn’t have. Alone, I didn’t have the merest inkling of how, or a fraction of the resources. Steinbeck is right: Man does spring his own trap. But what he doesn’t mention is that man is also capable of finding others to help get him out. Without them, getting out is simply not possible.
Hi, Ryan here, with some more interview footage from the tour.
Charley Timmins and Steve Bauer created their own Lifeline Group - or something like one, since they a) created it before WGYB came out and b) used a facilitator. As a refresher, a Lifeline Group is a concept Keith introduces in WGYB. It's a group of peers who meet regularly to help each other succeed at goals through generosity, vulnerability, candor, and accountability.
Charles and Steve began their with the intention of bettering themselves professionally, personally and spiritually. They have been meeting now for about one year.
Charley makes sure we know it’s no small feat to create one of these groups. “It’s hard work,” he says. But it’s also one of the most valuable and rewarding experiences he’s ever had in his professional career. Charley also urges the use of a facilitator. Keith doesn’t think a facilitator is required for peer groups - ultimately the idea is to depend on each other, and that everyone in the group is equally a facilitator - but he certainly recognizes the value one can offer. Having everyone read WGYB is another way to help launch the group!
Some tips from Charley:
1. A lifeline group is hard work – You need to constantly challenge each other to dig deeper and uncover your true passions, motivations and goals
2. Meet 2 times per month, 4 hours each time. We usually meet at a group member’s house.
3. Form your group with about 6 people
4. Use a facilitator to learn what questions to ask each other in order to “dive deep”
5. Choose a facilitator wisely – find a small business strategy consultant and test them out in a preliminary meeting to see if they know what questions to ask in order to get to the root of your organization’s vision and goals. If so, you have a good candidate for a Lifeline Group facilitator.
These are great tips from the field – thanks Charley. If you want Keith’s official methodology and guide on how form your own Lifeline Group, complete with minute-by-minute walkthroughs of your first few meetings, download the companion guide to Who’s Got Your Back here!
People today are shortchanging themselves — that’s the silent tragedy of economic recession. The 5 to 10 percent of Americans who are unemployed and struggling lead the headlines, understandably. But how about those with jobs? The crappy employment market reduces people’s expectations around satisfaction, advancement, and pay. “Just be glad you have a job” rolls off everyone’s tongue and suddenly you’re stagnating.
Photo: dailystrong.com
Earlier this week I suggested one possible remedy, what I call "drafting" off your work goals in Who's Got Your Back - trying to find ways to make work goals serve your personal goals.
Now I put the question to you: Are you experiencing "recession depression" in your workplace? How are you fighting it? What are you doing to continue to grow personally and professionally despite obstacles to progress?
Yesterday I went to the coolest gym EVER in Dallas! (I talk about it in the video below.) It’s called Doug’s Gym. Doug is 78 years old, has never been to a doctor, and has been a free weight proponent his entire life – no weight machines in this gym. If I had to describe it myself, I’d say it looks like a cross between a gym and a homeless shelter.
I’m going back today and am recording a segment on “How to Outsource Your Workout,” special appearance by Doug himself! Man is a living legend.”
Shawn Hunter, exec. producer of the excellent online Leadership Development channel, has a piece up on LottaGuru that describes a few moments of my seminar in Philly.
Also I've got a piece up on BusinessWeek.com on taking your job hunt from pity party to party hardy. Big thanks to Abhijit Shanker who made the piece possible by coming to my NY event and telling us his story.
From Rob Dickman, executive coach and author of The Elements of Persuasion: Use Storytelling to Pitch Better, Sell Faster & Win More Business, on breathing:
The most useful tool I learned while living at Ryutaku-ji a Zen Monastery, in Mishima, Japan was to become aware of my breath. Breath is something I took for granted and rarely thought about. It was only when it became difficult to breath that I was jolted into realizing that breath sustains life. Through awareness and practice I learned to sink my breath to my abdomen and connect with mother earth. Conscious breathing allows me feel part of something bigger than myself. It helps me remember that I am not separate. All living creatures are breathing and want to be happy and unafraid.
Kit Cooper of the Quality of Life Project today gives us “10 Things” that define the good life for him. While his nonprofit is devoted to promoting study and discussion around quality of life, he doesn’t pretend to be the expert – we all need to become experts at forging our own happiness.
Share your 10 things in the comments below!
Being in tune with myself
I have always been an introspective person but when I was 20 I had an experience which set me on the path of examining myself. It’s a long story but that experience led me to better knowing myself (which certainly included some discomfort) and ultimately being a more confident person.
Managing the mix It is difficult because not only do things evolve over time but at a given time there are multiple and sometimes overlapping quality of life drivers that you need to prioritize. It becomes an art form, for example, to know how much to focus on work given the quality of life dividends of financial success and the flexibility it can allow later.
Work I don’t feel good unless I have interesting work that keeps me busy. While I enjoy work, I believe that there have to be periods of stress and flux to ultimately achieve progress.
Being in nature Spending time in nature is a key part of my enjoying life. It’s where I have the most fun but I also need to be in nature a lot to just feel right.
Being independent To me, this actually means taking offense when others try to tell me how I should live. The reality is given the extent of product and idea marketing out there that does NOT have your personal interests in mind, you HAVE TO BE skeptical in order to live your best life. Don’t let someone bring down your quality of life because they want you to buy their shitty salad dressing.
Enjoying the contradictions in life I don’t want my life to make perfect sense. Walt Whitman in Song to Myself said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.” I believe getting the most out of life means allowing dichotomies to exist. I can’t live without being mature but I also can’t live without being immature.
Money What I want in life is to have freedom of movement. To go where I want to go when I want. Money helps on this front; doing well financially is a goal of mine for this reason.
Guarding my time Time is my most precious resource. I exercise in a way that minimizes time. I plan phone calls before I do ten minute plus drives. I always have reading material with me when opportunities for lines or delays exist. I also realize there are some people out there that don’t get me or appreciate me and I am good about not prioritizing my time to be with them. Back to the point of letting contradictions exist, I am also a big fan of idle time. I have been called a “football thug” by my wife on more than one occasion.
Working hard at relationships
I have relationship issues like anyone but I work hard at doing what I can do to minimize family and relationship problems. I don’t like drama and stress and using my time on repair issues when I could be using that time on other stuff.
Being organized One of the most common traits I’ve observed in people that enjoy life is a “make it happen” approach. Being organized and doing the things that makes you happy work hand in hand.
In The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work, philosopher Alain De Botton explores the “intelligence, peculiarity, beauty, and horror of the modern workplace, and, not least, its extraordinary claim to be able to provide us, alongside love, with the principle source of life’s meaning.”
His observation:
"The strangest thing about the world of work is the widespread expectation that our work should make us happy. For thousands of years, work was viewed as something to be done with as rapidly as possible and escaped in the imagination through alcohol or religion. Aristotle was the first of many philosophers to state that no one could be both free and obliged to earn a living. A more optimistic assessment of work had to wait until the eighteenth century and men like Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Benjamin Franklin, who for the first time argued that one’s working life could be at the centre of any desire for happiness. It was during this century that our modern ideas about work were formed—at the very same time as our modern ideas about love and marriage took shape…"
Like De Botton, we at Ferrazzi Greenlight are obsessed with the question, "When does a job feel meaningful?," and interestingly, we arrive at a similar answer. De Botton's answer: "Whenever it allows us to generate delight or reduce suffering in others." It's not easy to find such work, as De Botton makes clear, and many companies tend to make it harder. But we can change; our organizations can change. More of us more of the time will be engaged in labors of love as we reorient our thinking about work from tasks to tribes and from colleagues to confidantes.
If you want to hear more, hear Alain De Botton speak to with Brian Lehrer:
I was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. – John Keats
From Rob Dickman, 
