This guest blog comes from business strategist and keynote speaker Lisa Earle McLeod. Her latest book, The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large & Small, was named a Washington Post Top Five Book For Leaders. Visit Lisa at www.TriangleofTruth.com.-KF

Lisa's Three Tips:

Nobody likes conflict. The problem is, avoiding conflict doesn’t reduce tension, instead it often escalates it.

Have you ever been around someone who was frustrated or angry, but doesn’t want to talk about it?  They ooze resentment. Avoiding conflict actually ruins our professional relationships. Issues become bigger. Trust evaporates. The postmortem on any business failure almost always reveals critical information went unaddressed because somebody was afraid to discuss it.

Here are 3 tips for resolving conflicts without coming to blows:

1.  Beware of false assumptions.

Just because someone says they want a particular thing doesn’t mean that you truly understand their goals.   My client Judi Bruce at Deloitte describes it this way:  “It’s like the classic orange story.” Two people are fighting over an orange.  They both want the whole thing.  But when asked why they want the whole orange one replies, “I need all the juice to make my cake.”  The other replies, “I need all the zest from the peel to make my frosting.

What seems to be a conflict; might not be a conflict at all.  Neutral questions like, “Tell me a bit more about how you envision this” often reveal an easy win/win.

2. Don't mistake enthusiasm for rigidity.

Just because someone is excited about their plan, doesn't mean they're not open to other options.

Confronting a dominant personality doesn’t have to be combative.  Simply ask: Are you open for feedback on this?  If they say yes, start off saying, “I tend to think of these things from a different perspective.”  It keeps the conversation neutral. You’re not attacking their point of view; you’re just sharing yours.

High-energy people move quickly and enthusiastically.   They might wind up embracing your plan with the same zeal they do their own.

3.  Be open to alternative outcomes.

The biggest reason people avoid conflict is because they don’t see a clear way to bring up an issue and resolve it peacefully.   They assume it’s going to be an argument, and they'll lose. But disagreements don’t mean death; they’re just disagreements.  When you work and live with other humans, there's always going to be conflict.  It doesn’t have to be contentious or ugly.

Stay confident that you'll ultimately find a solution and you'll keep yourself more open. It’s ironic, when you accept conflict as an inevitable part of relationships; you wind up with less of it and find it quicker to resolve.

Handling a conflict isn’t the worst thing in the world.  But letting one go unresolved can cause you big problems.

What strategies have you used to defuse a heated situation?

12 comments // In Conflict Resolution

I met Caroline Donahue, a writer, blogger, photographer, and coach, at a keynote I did recently in Los Angeles. She has her own coaching practice, Remabulous Coaching, and has written for Conscious Bookkeeping, Web Marketing Therapy, and was Social Media Director for Book Soup. She can be found at her own site carolinedonahue.com. Her post here today is on one of my favorite topic’s: Overcoming conflict avoidance. -KF

You’re Not Being the “Bigger Person” by Letting It Go – Here’s Why
Caroline Donahue

How may times have you backed away slowly – or outright ran – from a potential conflict at work because you thought you were doing the other person a favor? Meanwhile, you’re a little tenser, a little less eager to connect with this colleague, or even this boss. But it’s the best thing to do, isn’t it? You know relationships at work are important and you need to avoid awkward conversations to keep them healthy, right?

Wrong. Despite the fact that most people think that letting something slide is the decent thing to do, it’s ultimately damaging to the relationship.

The Research

John Gottman, PhD is an expert in relationships. He can predict whether a marriage will succeed or fail with 90% accuracy, just by observing the two partners interact.  During his time as Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, he has even extended this range to 81% over 7 to 9 years of marriage.

What makes the difference for long-term success in a relationship? Gottman has broken interactions people have into three types: turning toward, turning against, and turning away.

What does this mean? Turning toward, you collaborate and connect. Turning against, you argue or snap at each other. Turning away, you simply ignore the problem… or each other.

Most of us conduct our working relationships trying to turn towards each other. This is easy when everyone is getting along. But what do you do when you don’t agree or you’re unsettled by something going on with a co-worker or superior? Just look the other way and hope it passes?

Gottman found that, contrary to what me might think, conflict was not what resulted in the ending of a relationship. Turning away was far more damaging and the main predictor of a relationship that would end in divorce.  As Gottman learned : fight can keep you from flight!

Why is this? Because people are more likely to stay in a relationship and continue to build it when there is consistent interaction, even if that interaction is negative.

Every time you avoid bringing up a concern with someone at work, you are missing an opportunity to build the relationship. It is better to share your thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree, and even if you have something challenging to say, than to say nothing at all. Because the last thing you want is to suffer the equivalent of a colleague divorce at work.

ACTION TO TAKE NOW

If this is new territory for you, here are some safe ways to explore it:

1. Try smaller situations first. Just because turning against is less likely to end your working relationship with someone than ignoring them, it doesn’t mean it’s the ideal choice. Think about ways you could make the conversation a win-win, rather than a conflict at all.
2. Be aware of who you’re talking to. If you’re confronting a superior it’s possible to give the benefit of the doubt and make your position a little softer than you might with a colleague.
3. Keep practicing and remember, engaging is always better than avoidance and you’ll soon reap the rewards of rock solid communication.

How have you resolved conflict with a colleague?

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Are you a good listener?

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Maybe you missed a scheduled call, didn'’t show up to an event you said you would, or double-booked meetings.  In short, you didn't do what you said you were going to do.  How do you not only save the situation, but end the exchange with a stronger relationship?

An apology letter or phone call is first.

Here are a few tips to get it right:

• Be the Early Bird: Make the outreach as soon as possible. Don'’t wait!
• Focus on the Fix-it: Take responsibility for your mistake, but shift quickly to the positive by clearly stating what you have already done or will do to rectify the situation.
• •Wrap It: An unexpected gift (theater tickets, dinner on you in a great restaurant) is a simple way to show that the bad behavior, whatever it was, really isn'’t your style. Just remember, gifts are never a replacement for getting it right!

Once you've apologized, it's time to deliver, deliver, deliver. Make sure you follow through with whatever you've promised, and take extra care to get things right during your next interactions with the person. Your goal is to rebuild trust, and the only way to do that is with a clean track record going forward.

Screw ups do happen to everyone - albeit hopefully not too often! But what'’s most important is how you handle the aftermath.

Anyone have a story about a screw-up that ultimately made their relationship stronger?

2 comments // In Conflict Resolution

Can you imagine a device that, when used on someone, would cause them to see things from your point of view? I’m betting every one of you reading this email would buy it.

Unfortunately, as of now such a device only exists in the movie The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, where it’s called the Point of View Gun and was designed to stop wives from ending every argument with their husbands, "You just don't get it, do you?" (Personally, I'm guessing just as many wives could use it, but I didn't write the book.)

We all have a long list of people at work at whom we’d love to fire the Point of View Gun. And yet, as the writer and empathy expert Roman Krznaric points out, there are equally likely many others who would wish to fire this gun at you.

Why does this matter? Because the ability to empathize is a common characteristic of individuals who are successful as business leaders, professionals, parents, or spouses. Empathic people are good at seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. That skill makes them magnetic, because it helps them build trust and be better communicators – they don’t talk “at” people, they adapt their message with care and consideration for their audience. And because they’re able to step outside their own agenda, they are also likely to see the big picture more easily, and then get others to see it (and act on it) as well. Which is why it’s no surprise that empathy isn’t just an interest of mine and Krznaric’s, but is in fact now the focus and fascination of many business gurus.

Notice I said empathy was a SKILL – not an inborn trait. Yes, you can learn how to be more empathetic. Here’s a mission we adapted from Krznaric to get you started:

1. Identify someone you work with whom you have failed to empathize with in the past – this might be the guy you wrote off early on as a “jerk.”

2. NOW: Make an effort to do something about it! Get them in a one-on-one environment with a phone call or by taking them out for a coffee or meal. Do your best to listen and understand where they are coming from. Try to get inside their skin and grasp all the nuances of their thoughts and emotions.

You might find that there’s more humanity to your annoying colleague or heartless boss than you thought. And when you find that out, when you really believe it, suddenly you’ll find that not only are they infinitely more enjoyable to work with, but how effective you are together will jump ten-fold.

Has empathy ever helped to ease a strained relationship in your life?

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Hope you enjoy this guest blog from the great Bob Dickman, co-author of The Elements of Persuasion.

Conflict through Common Ground
By Bob Dickman

What do you do when your boss asks you to lead a meeting filled with angry distrustful people and you feel like you’re going to be pushed out of a plane without your parachute?

Here's a story. When I was in Boston at a Pegasus Systems Thinking conference I met Maggie Herzig, of the Public Conversations Project. Maggie is a transformational leader, who, with her team, came up with a powerful strategy to dissolve prejudice and build bridges. She was asked to work with anti and pro abortionists with the goal of lowering the hostility and animosity in her community. She had them meet over lunch or dinner in small groups. The topic for discussion was “What keeps you up at night worrying about your kid’s future?” Participants didn't know who was pro- or anti-abortion. They weren’t allowed to mention anything to do with their positions on abortion. After six weeks of weekly meetings, they had found so much in common that they were now able to discuss the hot topic of abortion without demonizing each other. They still disagreed, but they didn't hate.

If pro- and anti-abortionists can discover their common humanity and learn to cooperate then there's hope for the rest of us. In tough situations, remember to stay grounded and look for the deeper human issues that connect all of us.

Here's some specific suggestions for dealing with that difficult meeting:

1.    Take three slow breaths and say to yourself “relax” each time you exhale. This will slow the release of adrenaline in your blood stream. Large release of adrenaline makes you want to fight or run away or both. And it stops the brain from thinking creatively

2.    Frame this as an opportunity rather than a suicide mission.  Re-framing will help you focus on positive outcomes for the entire team; rather than your fear of failure

3.    Seek common ground: It's an easy trap to focus on what separates people. Usually it's a set of ingrained beliefs and opinions. Dig deeper and find what human concerns are shared and can bring people together.

Bob Dickman is an executive coach and author,  who holds up a mirror to his clients who have the courage to look at themselves and improve their cutting edge.

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Mark Goulston

These are the times that try men's souls,

and their trigger fingers.

I know this blog is not about politics, but with the world yet again watching hostilities that could escalate to war, it's not a bad idea for individuals and countries to heed the following suggestion shared with me by a friend and colleague.

When you feel under attack, think of the first thing you want to do and don’t do it, pause and then think of second thing you want to do and don’t do that, pause again and finally think of the third thing you want to do and do that.

The first thing you want to do is about defending yourself.
The second thing is about retaliating.
The third thing is about finding
a solution.

11 comments // In Conflict Resolution

Guest Post by Mark Goulston

Memorial Day has come and gone.

For most of America that means raising all the half-masted flags back to full height and returning to “business as usual.” For people like my friend, Jane Bright, it means returning to “living with life never being the same again.”

Jane’s son, Sgt. Evan Ashcraft, was killed in Iraq on July 24, 2003. She told me that the only thing that enabled her to keep her anger from consuming her were her son’s letters telling her that all he wanted to do when he returned home after the war was to help people, especially returning veteran’s. Evan no doubt had looked into his fellow soldiers’ eyes as well as the eyes of the people in Iraq and saw the pain and suffering and wanted to do something about it.

Years ago at my university, I heard a professor tell our class that if people could look into the eyes of their enemy and see the person underneath the foe, that war would cease.  Some years later during my training as a psychiatrist, I heard another spin on the power of looking into another person’s eyes and perhaps the need to look away. Thirty years ago I was consulting to the cancer ward at UCLA and was seated in a conference room with a brilliant attending research oncologist. We were waiting for oncology fellows, residents, interns and medical students to arrive to discuss cases on the unit.  He knew the name and pathology of every cancer; he didn’t know the name of any of the patients or for that matter, the medical trainees.

“You might want to work on your bedside manner,” I told him, feeling compelled to point out that he was serving as a physician role model as well as an expert diagnostician.

He fired back at my impertinence, “If I looked into the eyes of these patients and saw the fear and hell they live in, I would not be able to focus on what’s most important to me, namely finding a cure for cancer. That is why I leave the hand-holding to people like you.”

I understood his point, but was never comfortable with it. Looking into the eyes of people and seeing fear, pain, anger and hurt will distract all but the coldest of hearts from their goals. However it might also direct those with the power to change things to focus on what really matters.

Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” What if we applied this to leaders of governments and corporate America and said: “Let that leader who sends a country’s youth into war, spend a week with the family of a soldier father, son, brother, mother, daughter or sister who never came back alive or physically in one piece” or “Let that corporate CEO in his 40’s or 50’s who makes $100+ million in compensation spend a week with people of the same age that have been laid off, who won’t be getting hired again soon” or “Let that head of health insurance company whose medical, mental and dental expenses are all reimbursed spend a week with a family of a parent, adult or child whose condition is not covered by the health plan they purchased that put money in that executive’s pocket.”

I can understand and even allow that oncology professor’s point about not wanting to be distracted from finding a cure for cancer. I have more difficulty letting that leader, CEO or health insurance executive off the hook from seeing the “real” results of some of their decisions.

A philosopher once said:

The measure of a civilization is
how it treats those who have hurt it.

Maybe that needs to be modified to include:

The measure of a civilization is
how it treats those who are hurting in
it.

Evan Ashcraft never got to come back to America and do what looking into the eyes of others compelled him to do. His parents however did by founding  The Evan Ashcraft Memorial Foundation.

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