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Every email you write is an opportunity to strengthen a relationship.
If, in the grind of daily business, you’re wasting that opportunity, you’re making a huge mistake.
Email has become a primary means of communication inside companies and across divisions - sometimes even just across a cube division! Are you going to wait for a face-to-face, or until you're sauced at the Christmas party to be kind and conversational, and talk to someone besides the guy at the desk next to you? No!
Here are 7 tips to maximize relationship development – and ultimately, team performance – in your intra-office emails.
Hey, Boss: Don’t be afraid to email your boss. In a recent IBM study, researchers found that employees with strong email links to a manager produced an extra $588 of revenue per month over the norm. (If your manager gripes, share the study: http://smallblue.research.ibm.com/publications/Utah-ValueOfSocialNetworks.pdf.) Read more →
Few have strength of reason to overcome the perceptions of sense.
- Samuel Johnson
You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.
Why? Anthropologists tell us that we're thinking like cavemen. Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.
How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?
This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. Instead, take the initiative in creating a welcoming impression. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.
1. First, give the person a hearty smile. It says, “I’m approachable.”
2. Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering.That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.
3. Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.
4. Nod your head and lean in. Meanwhile, we cautious about invading the other person’s space. You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.
5. Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we
protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.
Question: Has anyone out there had success in consciously developing these nonverbal skills?
The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated. – William James
Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen
I don't like self-help. I like let-others-help – it’s core to both Who’s Got Your Back and Never Eat Alone. I got my mantra from my Pop: If you need something, ASK FOR IT!
But to practice let-others-help well, you've got to be at the top of your own game in two related arenas: Generosity and gratitude. Never forget that you’ve got to give to get.
Mark Goulston, part of our Greenlight Research Group, has the perfect recipe for expressing your gratitude - what he calls “the Power Thank You” in his practical, insightful new book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark is one of the best communicators I know. That's not too surprising, given that he’s a psychiatrist, a trainer for FBI hostage negotiators, and just an all-around savant when it comes to the study of human behavior.
His favorite version of the Power Thank You was inspired by Heidi Wall, the co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute here in LA. It has three steps:
1. Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.)
2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.”
3. Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.
Mark writes, “If a person performs an extraordinary act of kindness or assistance and all you say is ‘thanks,’ you create a mirror neuron receptor gap because emotionally you’re not giving back as much as you received. Saying ‘thanks’ is better than nothing, but it’s not good enough” (emphasis mine).
The Power Thank You helps you, too: “It doesn’t just make the other person look good,” Mark writes. “It also makes you look good to everyone involved by showing that you have empathy and humility and that you care. It also shows that you can be trusted to give credit where it’s due—something that can win you important allies in a corporate world where people too often get burned by disloyalty.”
Are we raising a nation of teenagers who r omg totally gr8 texters, but total dopes when it comes to managing face to face communication?
Your teenage child sends and receives 2,272 texts a month and spends 9 hours a week absorbed in social networking sites. According to this Wall Street Journal Online op-ed by an English professor at Emory, there’s major collateral damage: a rising generation who’s deaf and dumb when it comes to real-time interaction and the subtle language of nonverbal cues – tonality, facial expressions, posture, and the like. He’s concerned: His book is called The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future.
The professor’s both wrong and dead right.
Jeopardizing our future? Wrong. There’s so much more to celebrate than to gripe about in the Digital Age. The online revolution has wildly expanded our opportunities to share, create, and do more of all the things that tribes have done since the dawn of time – and now at the speed of light. We’re getting more human every day. I’m excited, not afraid, to see what new competencies Gen-Y and Gen-Z bring into the culture.
Here’s where he’s right: While the desire for relationships is innate, building them requires a skill set – one that can and must be learned. I know it can be learned, because I’ve made a lot of money, and my clients a lot of money, by teaching them those very skills. Nonverbal communication is an important part of that skill set, and it’s entirely possible that the professor’s right in worrying that it’s not going to be your kid’s strong suit.
It’s up to you, as parents, to fill the gap in that skill set. Push them toward activities that will develop those abilities that they miss out on while glued to their PC. Here are six tips to kick start your thinking.
6 Tips for Raising a Relationship-Savvy Child - Video Summary
1. Don't be a hypocrite! If you, like the professor, are worried your kids aren't skilled communicators, make sure you’re skilled at their preferred modes of interaction. Technology-facilitated communication is likely to become more, not less, important in the future, so make sure that you’re not overly focused on what worked in the past – you know, back when you had to walk a mile in bare feet in snow to get to school.
2. Set the example: As parents, your social life shouldn’t take place entirely remotely from your children. You’re wasting an opportunity to share with them your own special recipe for the good life – warm times with close friends. So find time to entertain at home. Host a dinner or a holiday party. Without making your kids the center of attention, give them time to interact with guests and “play grown-up.”
3. Set the table: The reality of your life may not make daily family dinners possible – but certainly you can make shared meals happen several times a week. A study reported in the 2003 Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine found that adolescents who frequently sat down to family meals had better grades, less depression, and were less likely to drink alcohol, smoke, or use marijuana than kids who ate with their families less than twice a week.
4. Take turns toasting: This is a must for special events, but also a great tradition even for casual Sunday night dinner. That way yours kids grow up watching and practicing impromptu “public” speaking – and learning to celebrate the small stuff.
5. Activities, activities, activities: Get your kid involved early on in an organization that promotes and rewards offline social interaction – think Boy or Girl Scouts, local theatre, sports clubs, or even a local nonprofit or political campaign. At a certain point, your kid will do what he wants to do, and unless you’re really lucky, it won’t involve the Glee Club. But if you’ve laid the foundation with years of marshmallow roasts and musical theatre, he’ll have the skills at the ready when he’s done being a disaffected teenager.
6. Enforce No Cell Phone/Blackberry family outings: Yes, your kids will hate you. And it you’re hooked on the Crackberry yourself, you’ll probably mean it when you say, “This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.” But it’s good for everyone to take a break. For a few hours, anyway.
Those who are the best at building relationships will always have a competitive edge. Relationships drive success; everything we do in life is with and through other people. That’s not changing.
Now let's hear your take: How are you approaching these issues with your kids? Or maybe you're a teenager - are all these grownups worried about nothing?
It doesn’t usually take slipping someone a Ben Franklin to get behind the proverbial velvet rope. Focus instead on a keen eye and healthy dose of confidence.
In Never Eat Alone, I talk about managing gatekeepers by treating them well and respecting their power. But occasionally the “art” in managing the gatekeeper is less about relationship building and more about a glib tongue, a sharp suit, and a forward stare.
To show you it works, here’s a field report, filmed at the Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM) Convention in Orlando, on how I met Jack Welch.
Now, some tactical pointers – along with a qualification: Honesty IS the best policy – so choose your audacious moments with care and discretion.
1. Dress the part: Adapt for your particular venue, but in most business settings, a sharp, custom-fitted suit with a pressed shirt and tie is the best choice. A nice watch and polished shoes complete the look. And if you can’t afford a top brand, just get an imitation – who’s knows the difference?
2. Act the part: What role are you playing? If you’re at a conference, dress well and hold yourself like a speaker. Observe the VIPs (or those who have the same access as VIPs) in your environment and emulate them.
3. Plan your approach: Literally plan out the path you’re going to take to bypass the gatekeepers. You don’t want to be wandering around, attracting attention – people will ask if they can help you. Not good. You’re in control, and exactly where you’re supposed to be (right?), so make sure you walk with intent and direction.
4. Look forward and keep moving: Make as little eye contact as possible with people along the way and always keep moving forward. Eye contact is an invitation to ask you questions about what you’re doing and why you’re there. If someone does ask you a question, just point to your watch and keep walking.
5. Don’t be an ass: Be respectful and don’t get in the way of people trying to do their business. Also, be prepared to do yours. What that means – prepping the perfect elevator pitch, for example – depends on you.
…And if you’re stopped?
1. Retreat! – temporarily. Say “nevermind” and then try to find another entrance and a fresh gatekeeper.
2. Make intense eye contact (don’t break eye contact once made, don’t blink, and have a look of anticipation on your face) and insist you have something very important to deliver.
3. Abort mission – be prepared to recognize and humbly accept game over.
Good luck! I want to hear some success stories in the comments…
Don Neal of Leading Authorities, on the DC tour stop let me shoot a video of his top three tips for powerful public speaking - go here to see it.
What powers a great speaker?
• PASSION: A deep passion for their message
• ELEVATOR PITCH: Nail the 15-20 seconds of your personal branding “pitch”
• PERSONAL BRAND: Elevator pitch must reflect your personal brand
• STORY: Tell a story to communicate your personal brand
• WANT IT/DESIRE: You have to want to speak in order to get better
Shervin Sheibani, General Manager of College Park VW and Nissan
Shervin Sheibani, General Manager of College Park VW & Nissan, told me today that the biggest mistake he sees new salesmen make is this:
"They forget to listen."
He chalked it up to fear of rejection, and I'm sure that's a part of it. But equally, people today are just out of practice. They've forgotten that it's their job to go out there in the world and care - to have someone's back.
Shervin makes his salesmen do practice exercises: ask questions, then be quiet. Listen. Then Shervin interviews the interviewer: How much did they retain?
Try this out with a coworker or friend - you might be surprised to find that you're less in the habit of listening than you think.
My old friend Ray worked on a used car lot the summer after he graduated from Yale. (He actually tried to get me a job but they wouldn't hire me!) He knew that there was no better to prepare himself for life than a summer on the lot - selling, interacting, learning.
One of the major lessons he learned: The beginning of any sale starts with you. Being grounded, confident, and caring enough to listen.
You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.
