Poor communication skills? You CAN improve them – and you should, because those who don’t often end up getting written off as “jerks.” Your career will suffer, particularly when it comes to your ability to collaborate and lead.

To help you along the way, I asked one of our RMA Coaches, Stephanie Vora, to pull together a list of the top practices she and other coaches use to create productive relationships with clients. One of the first priorities of a coach is to set their clients at ease in the relationship so that communication is never a barrier to finding the best solution.

Here’s my three favorites of the top six she shared with RMAers on their weekly coaching call. My suggestion: Get started by picking one to focus on in the next few days. Once it becomes a habit, move onto the next.

1. Ask for permission: Make sure the person you are speaking with is ready and willing to engage. Always ask people if they have time to talk or if another time would be better.
Also ask if it’s OK to talk about sensitive topics (e.g., Do you mind if I ask you a personal question about your family?).

2. Clarify what has been said: Showing that you have really listened and understood by mirroring a person’s remarks back at him or her builds incredible trust. This is a form of active listening.  When mirroring remarks, make sure you capture the essence and be succinct. Also, remember less is more. The focus is on them.

3. Ask great open ended questions: Make them really think with questions that keep the conversation moving. Focus on forward and solution-focused questions; don't harp on the past. Try to challenge people to think things through rather than just giving them an answer.

Thanks to Stephanie for these great tips.

What are your top habits for the very best communication? Let me know!

0 Comments // In Communication

Are you one of those people who'd rather get a root canal then spend an evening engaged in small talk?

Then here are a few tips to help you at your next cocktail event. You may find yourself not only making real connections, but even enjoying it!

1.    Don’t cherry pick. Don’t waste the whole event strategizing how to connect with the most popular person there, but by all means take advantage if the chance arises!

2.    Use the chance to talk to new and undiscovered people. At the very least you’ll get to practice your conversation skills.  One of those unknowns could turn into one of your most treasured lifelines, you never know!

3.    Don’t feel like you need to talk to everyone. A few sincere and connected conversations are more valuable than hours of glad-handing.

4.    Be approachable. Make eye contact, but not in a creepy stare-down sort of way.  Practice your best open body language – unfold your arms and relax.

5.    Be an engaged listener. First, really genuinely listen to what the other person is saying.  Then find ways to show that you are interested – nod your head, gently touch their elbow, lean in slightly.

6.    Be sincere. Make the conversation count, don’t scan the room looking for someone “better” to talk to.  For the time that you are engaged in the conversation, be completely present.

7.    Know how to make a graceful exit. You shouldn’t feel like being engaged in a conversation means that you are glued to that person for the rest of the evening.  You can excuse yourself by offering to go get another round of drinks.  If the other person declines the offer, you have no obligation to go back.  If they accept, you can strike up another conversation on the way back from the bar and then ask your initial contact to join you and your new friend.

8.    Plan for follow up. In order to develop into a true connection, your small talk should end with an invitation to meet again.  Compliment your conversation partner on some shared interest and establish a verbal agreement to meet again, even if it’s not about business.

Making connections at a social event doesn’t have to be painful.  Take advantage of these ideas to make the most of the time you spend at functions and you might even have fun!

Do you have ways that you have made the most of social events?  Tell us about them!

0 Comments // In Communication

1. Keep your voice as calm and relaxed as possible. Use deep breaths, take a pause, master a Remo Williams-like state of self-control.

2. Use "I" statements not "You" statements.

An “I” statement lets you describe your own needs, values and feelings -- openly, honestly and directly. You are describing the situation instead of evaluating it.

• Ex: “I am really discouraged by the lack of follow through I've seen lately.”

A “you” message emphasizes the second person pronoun and blames or accuses the other for your feelings, or judges others’ behavior. It's a great way to put someone on the defensive instead of starting open dialogue.

• Ex: "Didn’t anyone teach you how to set a table? You should know by now that the spoon goes above the plate, not beside it. You need to fix all these tables right now.

3. Never forget: Patientia est virtus!

0 Comments // In Communication

Here’s one of the missions from my forthcoming online Relationship Masters Academy:

Build rapport quickly with mirroring.

People like people who are like them – it's built-in to the most primitive parts of our brain. Here’s how to get past this reptilian tic: mirroring, observing your conversational partner’s body language, tone, and level, and mirroring it with your own behavior.

It works: In one Dutch study, an interviewer talked to participants and then dropped a bunch of pens. The participants who had been mirrored were 2-3 times more likely to help the interviewer pick up the pens! Mirroring increased their good will and their “pro-social orientation in general.” You could use that, right?

Your mission: Try mirroring today. As you speak with a colleague, friend, or stranger:

•  Watch their movements. Wait 10 seconds, and then shift your body to match theirs.
•  Use the same hand gestures they use, but only when it’s your turn to talk.
•  Match their facial expressions instantly. If they raise their eyebrows, raise yours.
•  When they nod their head, nod yours instantly to signal agreement or affirmation.

Whether you want to drop pens after you try this out is up to you.

0 Comments // In Communication

Meghna heads up the High Impact Teams consulting practice at Ferrazzi Greenlight with Keith. She is based in New York City. If you have questions or want to increase your team's impact, contact her at mmajmudar at ferrazzigreenlight dot com.

Bosses are human. Sometimes they need help to give us what we need to be good employees. That means you've got to be prepared to ask for that help. Here's 4 ways to get prepped to have that difficult talk with your boss, get what you want, and strengthen your relationship.

1. Move past frustration and separate personal gripes from real workplace issues. Focus on getting what you need to do your job better. Try to approach the issue from a positive place - "I want to have a talk with you about improving my performance. I feel like we've fallen into some patterns that are limiting my ability to be effective and I want to get back on track."

2. Prepare yourself with 2-3 things specific requests of changes you need to be happier and more productive. If your requests are well-reasoned and not emotionally charged, it'll be easy to discuss the items and feedback, working from a collaborative space.

3. Find a way to end the call on a high note. If the call has gone well, or there's something your boss does well in general, tell him or her! People tend to forget that even bosses need encouragement.

How do you prepare yourself for those difficult conversations?

0 Comments // In Communication

Being at Ferrazzi Greenlight has given me such an appreciation for showing vulnerability in the workplace – e.g. sticking your neck out and admitting a weakness, without any idea what comes next. And unfortunately, it is so rarely done in an office environment.

Vulnerability is critical because, when shared appropriately, it helps you deepen social connections and get the help you may need.

Here are two critical ways to show vulnerability so that you are all the more powerful at work!

1. Share your fears honestly - without whining or being a victim. I used to whine and play the victim. Now when things get hard, I reach out and check with a colleague. I share my situation and ask, “Hey, am I looking at this the right way?” This way I'm not a victim of circumstance, I feel strong and proactive, and if I need it, I'm on my way to getting support I might not have found otherwise.

2. Ask for feedback. I used to think feedback was the second dirtiest f-word around. I always thought it was a euphemism for criticism. Cringe! And unfortunately, in many workplaces it is. But honestly, after Keith explained it as a “gift you want to give for the person’s success,” I was able to take feedback in stride. And now, it seems like I can’t get enough!

What I am trying to say is own your weaknesses at work. Be powerful with them, be the first to admit them, and what follows may surprise you.

What are your thoughts on showing vulnerability at work? How have you been powerful with your weakness?

Meghna heads up the High Impact Teams consulting practice at Ferrazzi Greenlight with Keith. She is based in New York City. If you have questions or want to increase your team's  impact, contact her at mmajmudar at ferrazzigreenlight dot com.

0 Comments // In Communication, Uncategorized

Failing to listen well is rude. I don't care whether you're talking to the Queen of England or your intern. It very loudly communicates, Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. And as a master relationship builder, it's your job to care.

Ready to assess how well you listen? My colleague Dr. Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, has four categories for how we listen, the Four R’s: removed, reactive, responsible, and receptive listening.

Here's the breakdown:

1.   Removed listening is just what it sounds like: removed.   It’s the kind of listening you do when you’re actually engaged in something else, like using your BlackBerry.  You may parrot back what I’ve said, but you aren’t really paying attention.  You’re mind is elsewhere and you risk letting me feel like I’m being ignored or like what I say doesn’t mean anything to you.  It’s a lot like talking over someone else’s words in a conversation—but in this case you’re “listening over” my words. Read more →

0 Comments // In Communication

I created this post from one of my answers during this past Friday’s first ever Live Q&A. Thanks to the approximately 800 of you who made it to ustream after our KF server crashed. I really enjoyed the rapid-fire interactive chat environment – and all your comments about the size of my morning coffee.

Now, onto my four tips for job interviewees.

1. Make them like you. My number one advice: Make sure that by the time you leave the room, you’ve found a way to make the person like you. That's it: MAKE THEM LIKE YOU. Two arms, two legs and an MBA, being all fancy and important, are not going to get you there. Make that personal connection. Build instant intimacy.
2. Find a reason to care about the person. Do your homework in advance, understand their passions, and draw out the stories of their life that make them human. When you connect with them, and start to like them, they’ll start to like you, and care about you.
3. Show them your passion! Specifically, your passion for the job you’re interviewing for. Passion and charisma go a long way.
4. Tell stories. Don’t rely on stats and figures to make your case. Tell stories of how you’ve changed lives for former bosses and companies. This is what my friend Peter Guber calls "emotional transportation" and it works. Take them on your journey!

Hope to see you all on December’s Q&A – we’ll announce the date here soon. In the meantime, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. On Thursday, we’ll be posting FG’s annual Thanksgiving Card on the blog, along with a great guest post on multi-tasking later in the day – stop by and check it out!

What's worked for you on job interviews?

0 Comments // In Communication

Every email you write is an opportunity to strengthen a relationship.

If, in the grind of daily business, you’re wasting that opportunity, you’re making a huge mistake.

Email has become a primary means of communication inside companies and across divisions - sometimes even just across a cube division! Are you going to wait for a face-to-face, or until you're sauced at the Christmas party to be kind and conversational, and talk to someone besides the guy at the desk next to you? No!

Here are 7 tips to maximize relationship development – and ultimately, team performance  – in your intra-office emails.

1. Hey, Boss:  Don’t be afraid to email your boss. In a recent IBM study, researchers found that employees with strong email links to a manager produced an extra $588 of revenue per month over the norm. (If your manager gripes, share the study: http://smallblue.research.ibm.com/publications/Utah-ValueOfSocialNetworks.pdf.) Read more →

0 Comments // In Business Networking, Communication, Team Building

Few have strength of reason to overcome the perceptions of sense.
- Samuel Johnson

You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.

Why? Anthropologists tell us that we're thinking like cavemen. Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.

How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?

This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. Instead, take the initiative in creating a welcoming impression. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.

1. First, give the person a hearty smile. It says, “I’m approachable.”

2. Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering.That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.

3. Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.

4. Nod your head and lean in. Meanwhile, we cautious about invading the other person’s space. You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.

5. Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we
protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.

Question: Has anyone out there had success in consciously developing these nonverbal skills?

0 Comments // In Communication