When I first read Keith’s books, I intuitively agreed with his advice to lead with generosity when meeting new people or with coworkers. I thought it meant remembering birthdays, asking people how I could help, and generally being a nice person – but recently, trying to connect with clients and friends in a new way, I see leading with generosity as a much more complex practice.

I’ve been feeling much more joyful about all of my relationships - personal and business relationships - since I started using the following 4 guidelines.

1. Listen for what the person you are talking with really wants. It’s not about just being friendly at this stage – but being present to what the person is saying and not saying, probing to understand what is driving the person at this moment. Surprisingly most people share this information, what they really want, in the first 3-5 minutes if you listen and ask thoughtful questions.

2. Make the decision to help with no expectation of payback or attachment to outcome. For me, I see a vision of that person having actually achieved what they want and then I make a truthful decision about whether or not I can help them.

3. Follow through and send the article, make the introduction, or set up the meeting that naturally follows from the offer of help.

4. And finally, commit to not let the person fail in achieving what they want – whether or not they accept your offer to help. This may mean checking in after a few weeks or simply listening, without saying “I told you so,” as they make their own way.

How do you lead with generosity?

4 comments // In Business Networking

Katherine Hepburn after one too many in The Philadelphia Story

Continuing with our recent holiday party theme, FG’s Queen of Events, April Lisonbee, is grabbing my beloved Ferrazzerita out of my hand for a guest post on hosting without alcohol. April’s not only a terrific event planner, she was also raised Mormon and has been to a lot of great parties where alcohol wasn’t part of the story. And she’s a great guest – see her Point 4.

I'm interested in hearing what you all think: Is sobriety a party-pooper? Now, heeeeeeeeeere's April.

How to Party Hardy, Alcohol-Free
By April Lisonbee

You often hear folks, including Keith, suggesting the use of alcohol as a social lubricant. But what about those who don’t drink?

At Ferrazzi Greenlight alcohol is just one tool in our party kit.  Other strategies are just as critical, probably more so, to helping our guests step outside their norms and truly connect with others in an honest, intimate way. With that in mind, I’ve put together an “Alcohol Free” version of our party tricks – along with some of my own ideas for booze-free fun.

1.     Ambiance: Setting the mood is critical.  I throw a lot of costume parties for this reason. Be creative with space and lighting, and don’t forget the power of music. A well crafted playlist, or several, can transport your guests into a different world. Brazilian or other Latin music is nice, but also fun, pop songs and oldies get people reminiscing and sharing stories that are evoked by the songs. (For more on setting the mood, download Keith’s Holiday Guide.)

2.    Activities: Here at FG, some of our favorite group experiences are created around a learning-based activity. Guests will remember you and the party each time they use the trick or skill, and more importantly, it creates that shared experience guests can use as a starting point on their way to creating intimacy. Be creative. Some examples include magic tricks - which are fun, especially card tricks, and easy to teach. Once we brought in a pool shark to show a group of executives trick shots. How memorable is that?

3.   Herbal Remedy: No, this is not marijuana or peyote but herbal teas that stimulate similar parts of the brain as alcohol to create empathy, relaxation, and trust.  Thanks to Kate Temple-West , The Friendly Herbalist, for providing this list of teas you should consider for any brunch and alcohol free events:

• Linden Tea: Makes you feel mellow, relaxed, and happy.  Steep 1/2 cup Linden Tea per quart of water for 20-30 minutes in a closed container. It can be served hot or cold. Check out mountainroseherbs.com for bulk info.

• Hibiscus and Rooibos Tea with a touch of honey: A great choice for when there are drinkers and non-drinkers together.  It contains a lot of Vitamin C, which gives you energy, and the hibiscus is considered to be an aphrodisiac in many cultures.  This can be served at room temperature in a pitcher.  Looks just like red wine.  Steep 1/8 cup each per quart of water for 15 minutes.

• Elderberry syrup in sparkling cider: Similar to a virgin Kir Royale. It looks beautiful and has the added benefit of keeping you incredibly healthy while also tasting delicious.

You can also create the feel and fun of a snazzy cocktail by serving fruity, sparkling, or even spicy drinks (or all three?) in a martini glass with a garnish.

4.   Guests: We all like fun people and just one person’s enthusiasm can be contagious.  Having someone who is “crazy,” extroverted, or has an above average energy can be invaluable, especially in the beginning of the evening when guests are still testing the waters.  This isn’t to say you need that crazy college friend who strips down and walks around all night covered in plastic wrap (true story – and he WAS sober) but most people’s energy levels are at a 2 or 3 and interacting with someone with an energy level of 6 or 7 will raise the group to a 4 or 5.

5.    You: As the host, YOU are the social hub of activity. It’s your responsibility to connect your guests, engage wall flowers and set the appropriate tone of openness, easily done by first sharing yourself in order to create a safe environment for others to do the same. Don’t be afraid to enlist the assistance of close friends to act as a second You if it’s a large party.

I hope you find these strategies helpful and would love to hear YOUR stories of success, or failure, using them. Also, if you have any other strategies we can use at our next alcohol-free party, please share!

7 comments // In Business Networking

Relationship management at its best is a way of life. You want to be engaged in relationship building relationships in a continuous, effortless flow that moves you in the direction of your highest priority goals.

One ritual for keeping the flow going is what I call “Programming.” What that means is that for any of your contacts, at all times you should either have a program (e.g., call them one a month, have dinner with them twice a year) or a next step (something unique to the relationship) in place.

A couple ideas to get this practice in motion:

1.    Relationship To-Do List: After every exchange, use a three column ledger to track: the Individual, the Goal they’re associated with, and the Program or Next Step.

2. Followup or Fail: Schedule followup/debrief time immediately after all of your meetings to schedule your next step.

How do you make relationship building a way of life?

4 comments // In Business Networking, Relationship Management, Time Management

SPECIAL NOTE: If you didn't catch Thursday's post about the wingman who saved Waldo Waldman's butt in combat in the blue skies over Yugoslavia, check it out! Now THAT's trust.

Throwing a holiday party can transform your experience of the season. It’s hard to be a Scrooge while creating an evening to remember – and then enjoying it with happy, heart-warmed guests.

Nervous about your hosting skills? Relief is here: Check out our new FREE Holiday Party Guide. Advice, tactical cues, cost-cutters, as well as instant motivation to create events that truly capture the incredible relationship-building opportunity of the season. With a little planning, you can invite casual acquaintances into your home and have them leave poised to become trusting friends and allies in 2010.

To get warmed up, here’s five of the Nine Steps to a Holiday Dinner that Will Put You on the Map – you’ll find the rest in the free guide.

1. Create a theme.
There’s no reason that even a small holiday dinner party shouldn’t have a theme. One simple idea can help you pull the food and atmosphere together. You can build a party around anything, really. It could be your mother’s meatloaf recipe, black tie (used rarely, as we want people to be totally comfortable), vegan food, specific music—whatever you like. People will get jazzed when they know you’re being creative.

Yes, “holiday party” can be a theme of its own, and often is. But why not get more specific  so that your event and invite are the most unique and intriguing of the season?   Read more →

8 comments // In Business Networking, Relationship Development Skills

Every email you write is an opportunity to strengthen a relationship.

If, in the grind of daily business, you’re wasting that opportunity, you’re making a huge mistake.

Email has become a primary means of communication inside companies and across divisions - sometimes even just across a cube division! Are you going to wait for a face-to-face, or until you're sauced at the Christmas party to be kind and conversational, and talk to someone besides the guy at the desk next to you? No!

Here are 7 tips to maximize relationship development – and ultimately, team performance  – in your intra-office emails.

1. Hey, Boss:  Don’t be afraid to email your boss. In a recent IBM study, researchers found that employees with strong email links to a manager produced an extra $588 of revenue per month over the norm. (If your manager gripes, share the study: http://smallblue.research.ibm.com/publications/Utah-ValueOfSocialNetworks.pdf.) Read more →

22 comments // In Business Networking, Communication, Team Building

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. - e. e. cummings

Free cups of coffee for voters. (Starbucks.) Free overnight shipping for randomly selected customers. (Zappos.) Free hotel stays (Microtel Inns & Suites).

These are all ways businesses have “surprised and delighted” customers by going well beyond the call of duty with a creative, novel act of generosity that says, “You are having an experience.”

Create a moment that knocks a customer out of their routine, and you instantly build a stronger relationship. You’re also almost guaranteeing that they’re going to pass that story on: “Guess what happened to me today?” Boom! Word of mouth.

“Surprise and delight” isn't a new idea, but I wanted to remind people that creative gifts aren't just a strategy for corporations. I got to thinking about it this week when a friend shared with me the story of a meeting he'd just had with a potential vendor; afterwards, she not only paid for his parking but gave the attendant a kind message to pass on to him as well.

Point is, you don’t have to have a multimillion dollar company to go above and beyond with creative gifts or acts of kindness that tell clients – or even  employees, colleagues, friends, or loved ones – that you’re paying attention. In fact, the best way to surprise and delight is to do exactly that: PAY ATTENTION. Seek out small details that you can surprise people with later.

That said, here’s a few of my own techniques that I’ve used to jog people from the “business as usual” frame of mind that gets in the way of making true connections. [Click 'more' to read them!] Read more →

34 comments // In Business Networking, Personal Branding

I've met plenty of people who are interested in golf but are afraid to get started. Golf is foreign, something “other people” or even “rich people” do.

Fear of the unknown = TERRIBLE reason not to do something. So I asked Merryll McElwain, a former golf pro turned financial advisor, to help out those of you with little to no experience with the sport. She has some great advice - especially for women. Golf doesn't need be a "boy's club."

Tell me in the comments: Is golf a “must” or a “meh” in your business?

Read more →

49 comments // In Business Networking

It takes barely fifteen seconds to put into practice my four rules for what I call “warm calling” – a friendlier way to engage someone you’ve never met, i.e. the traditional “cold call.” These rules apply to both live calls and voicemails – or even in person.

Hit the points below and you’ll give yourself the best shot at getting the meeting or follow up you seek.

1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution that connects you. If you don’t have one – find one!

2) State your value proposition: How will interacting with you help this person?

3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms.

4) Offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum.

Feeling hazy on any one of those points? Then you’re not ready to make the call! Although all the above rules are important, waiting until you’re ready – in particular, until you truly have something of value to offer and know how to articulate it – may trump them all.

33 comments // In Business Networking

The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends is, quite simply, to connect your circle with someone else’s. Politicians, the inveterate masters of networking, have exchanged their networks in this fashion for years. They have what are called “host committees,” groups of people hailing from different social worlds who are loyal to a specific politician and charged with introducing their candidate to their respective circle of friends. To my mind, it offers a great template for people looking to expand their own network.

Are there worlds you want more access to? If so, see if you can find a central figure within that world to act as your own one-person host committee. In a business context, say you plan on selling a new product that your company is introducing several months down the line, and most of your customers will be lawyers. Go to your personal lawyer, tell him about the product, and ask him or her if they’d be willing to come to a dinner with a few of their lawyer friends that you’d like to host. Tell them that not only will they get an early look at this fabulous new product, but they’ll have an opportunity to meet your friends, who could become potential clients. They’ll become responsible for holding events that will usher you into their group of friends. You’ll become responsible for doing the same for them.

This kind of partnering works wonderfully. But the underlying dynamic at work has to be mutual benefit. It should be a win-win for all involved.

If you are sharing someone else’s circle of friends, be sure that you adequately acknowledge the person who ushered you into this new world, and do so in all the subsequent connections that they helped foster. Never forget the person who brought you to the dance. Trust is integral to an exchange of networks that demands treating the other person’s contacts with the utmost respect.

As your community grows, partnering becomes more of a necessity. It becomes a matter of efficiency. One contact holds the key to maintaining all the other relationships in his or her network. He or she is the gatekeeper to a whole new world. You can meet dozens, even hundreds of other people through your relationship with one other key connector.

Two quick rules of thumb for network sharing:

1. You and the person you are sharing contacts with must be equal partners that give as much as they get.

2. You must be able to trust your partners because, after all, you’re vouching for them and their behavior with your network is a reflection on you.

A word of caution—never give any one person complete access to your entire list of contacts. This is not a free-for-all. You should be aware of who in your network is interested in being contacted and how. Exchanging contacts should take place around specific events, functions, or causes. Consider carefully how your partner wants to use your network and how you expect to use his. In this way, you’ll be more helpful to the other person, which is the kind of genuine reciprocity that makes partnering, and the world, work.

0 comments // In Business Networking

The image is one thing and the human being is another. - Elvis Presley

Fame breeds fame. The fact is, all my prowess for reaching out to other people would be far less effective if a few of those people in my Rolodex weren’t well-known names. Problem is, while we’re excited by the idea of meeting “celebrities,” they are often not all that anxious to meet us. So how can we get close to them?

Yes, it helps to be at the right places and invited to the right events. But the fancy weekends and invite-only conferences aren’t the only ways to meet important people. In America, there is an association for everything. If you want to meet the movers and shakers directly, you have to become a joiner. It’s amazing how accessible people are when we meet them at events that speak to their interests.

Here are a few more places that I’ve found particularly rewarding when looking to find people on the rise or who have already risen:

Young Presidents’Organization (YPO)
This organization is for executive managers under the age of forty-four and has regional chapters across the United States. If you’re running a business, or want to, there are plenty of entrepreneurial organizations that will put you in front of the corporate chieftains of tomorrow. Similar professional organizations exist for the entire range of vocational pursuits. When you join such a group, and become a central figure in that group’s activities, you’ll become someone whom other powerful people will seek to deal with.

Political Fundraisers
Politics is the nexus of money, passion, and power. In politics, the unknown person you help today is the political heavy that can help you tomorrow. Join a local campaign. Host a fundraiser, or attend one. Become an outspoken advocate on a particular issue; if it lights your fire, it’s sure to light the fire of others: Find them and work together!

Conferences
When you have something unique to say and become a speaker, you momentarily become a celebrity in your own right. Networking is never easier than when people are coming to you. There are thousands of conferences that indulge any number of interests. If you develop a side expertise or passion, you can find out which well-known people share your interest and attend the conferences that these people will likely attend.

Nonprofit Boards
Start out by finding four or five issues that are important to you and then support them locally. Successful nonprofits seek out a few famous people to sit on their boards to help them get publicity. Eventually, the goal is to become a board member yourself and sit side by side with these people. But be sure you care and indeed want to help the cause.

Sports (Especially Golf)
Sports and exercise are terrific areas where you can meet new, important people. On the field or court, in the gym or on the track, it’s a level playing field. Reputation means little. What does matter is the skill you have and the camaraderie you can create.

There’s nothing wrong with looking for ways to spend time with people who have accomplished more and have more wisdom than you. Once you put yourself in position to connect with the famous and powerful, the key is not to feel as if you’re undeserving or an impostor. You’re a star in your own right, with your own accomplishments, and you have a whole lot to give to the world.

If you pursue celebrities in a sincere manner, with good intentions, you’re not being manipulative. And if you are emboldened by a mission and you’ve put in the time and hard work to establish a web of people that count on you, then the time will come when your growing influence will put you in a place where you’ll be face-to-face with someone who can help you make a difference.

Question: Have you ever truly connected with a celebrity or person of influence? What worked?

24 comments // In Business Networking