Don’t Be a Networking Jerk – Six Rules for True Connections

Posted on August 24th, 2009 by Keith Ferrazzi

Ambition can creep as well as soar. —Edmund Burke

I get e-mails all the time that read, “Dear Keith, I hear you’re a good networker. I am, too. Let’s sit down for fifteen minutes and a cup of coffee.”Why? I ask myself.Why in the world do people expect me to respond to a request like that? Have they appealed to me emotionally? Have they said they could help me? Have they sought some snippet of commonality between us?

Networking isn't a secret society with some encoded handshake practiced for its own virtue. We must bring virtue to it.

Here’s my stab at a code of conduct, to ensure that you never become a Networking Jerk:

  1. Don’t schmooze. Have something to say, and say it with passion. Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity. Most people haven’t figured out that it’s better to spend more time with fewer people at a one-hour get-together, and have one or two meaningful dialogues, than engage in the wandering-eye routine and lose the respect of most of the people you meet.
  2. Don’t rely on the currency of gossip. Of course, using gossip is easier. Most people lap up such information. But it won’t do you any good in the long run. Eventually the information well will run dry as more and more people realize you’re not to be trusted.
  3. Don’t come to the party empty-handed. In connecting, as in blogging, you’re only as good as what you give away. Be prepared to be generous with your time, ideas, and spirit.
  4. Don’t treat those under you poorly. Soon enough, some of them will become “overlings.” In business, the food chain is transient. You must treat people with respect up and down the ladder.
  5. Be transparent. “I am what I am,” the cartoon character Popeye used to say. People respond with trust when they know you’re dealing straight with them.
  6. Don’t be too efficient. Nothing comes off as less sincere than receiving a mass e-mail addressed to a long list of recipients. Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on.

If you’re not making friends while connecting, best to resign yourself to dealing with people who don’t care much about what happens to you. Being disliked will kill your connecting efforts before they begin. Alternatively, being liked can be the most potent, constructive force for getting business done. Better yet, you'll sleep better knowing you’re constantly striving to treat the people cross your path with humanity and respect.

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11 Responses so far | Have Your Say!

  1. Great thoughts Kieth. I look forward to reading more.

    Sam Diener

  2. Keith- wonderful post! Your point "Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on," could not be more timely given today's tough job market. Earlier this summer, Robin and I tackled the subject on our blog as well (http://bit.ly/bJyf8) and I'd like to add one more tip: Lose the monologue and start asking questions. Time and time again, we've found that "curiosity kills the competition" and helps to instantly form connections. After all, there's nothing more seductive that a person who finds you utterly fascinating.

  3. What do you do if you find it difficult to have "meaningful dialogues"? The majority of things that people make small-talk about bore me. I'm not interested in the same TV shows, music, movies, or popular news stories as most other people. And the things I find interesting make people's eyes glaze over too (science, technology, etc).

  4. Scott, you're not alone with that trouble. But my guess is that science and technology are of interest to more people than you think - maybe you just need to "predigest" your science news. Connect to the person and spin the content out from there. Like a journalist, you need the right angle to get people interested.

    Also never forget, "Health, wealth, and children." These are fine subjects to connect with anybody.

    When you make a real internal choice to care about the people you meet, it's much harder to be bored. Make it a personal challenge to find that place where you can connect with a stranger, and the conversation will take on new life.

  5. Chris Capozzi says:
    August 24, 2009 at 1:00 pm
    Reply

    I think all to often "health, wealth and children" are the brunt of small talk as individuals do not understand how to connect with someone and instead head down the wrong path. Using what is normally a small talk topic and turning it into a deep conversation that you care about is an art. People want to talk about their kids so show an interest not the top level stuff but ask about the kids education or athletics and share insight on a tip or something you can do to help. Don't think that you have to have this deep connection for the moment you look at a person but have a deep concern for what is important to them. If we show we care about the person and what is important to them you will in the end get what's important to you but if you turn that around all you will get is boredom becuase you don't care.

  6. these are great tips, my question is what is the recommended time frame to keep in touch with somebody without becoming a pest?

    thanks

    Jay

  7. Love your writing. It's nice to see someone focus on the "how to" and skip the part where they show off all the words they learned in business school. There is so much more to networking than exchanging business cards and sizing people up for what they can do for you. Every time I teach this in workshops I am amazed at how it still seems "new" to lots of people.

  8. Kudos, good post. Every sane human being should read this post.

  9. I think this is one of the most significant info for me. And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things, The web site style is ideal, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers

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